Stitch Fix: Round Four

I'd started to lose hope that my StitchFix stylists were ever going to "get me." My first fix was me to a "T" and I hadn't been as excited about one since then...until this month! I specifically requested more Boho-ish style pieces and more dresses since that's primarily what I wear. Here's what I got:

#1

I felt like this dress was a little more "preppy" than I would usually go for, but I was willing to give it a go. As it turned out, it fit perfectly and was an ideal office outfit for me. I paired it with a baggy, white cardigan and a pair of white Toms, but I picture it looking best with a black blazer and flats.

#2

This dress was super cute and so comfy! I strutted my stuff with a pair of black pumps and it looked like a perfect ensemble to wear to work or on a date night. The downside? No boobies to fill it out.

#3

I knew from the get-go there was no way this would fit me, but for the sake of being a good sport I slipped on my favorite pair of skinnies and my white Toms (I wear them with everything; don't judge).

#4

Not much to say about this one...wasn't a fan.

On a side note, I really need to invest in a better camera. 

#5

I loved this crocheted sweater! I felt like I should be wearing bellbottoms and jamming out to some Janis Joplin while I was wearing it. There really wasn't a bad thing about it...except the price :/

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So which did I choose?!

I'm so glad I gave this dress a second chance- it was one of the less expensive options (which is always my primary selling point) and was a fantastic pick for summer days at the office.

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Click here to see Round One and Round Three (never got around to #2!)

Click here to hop aboard the StitchFix train!

On (Not) Talking to God

My hubby and I had a really intense conversation yesterday about faith versus religion. When the red wine starts flowing, Chuck gets really intellectual and philosophical so our conversation drifted to the topic of his faith, or more appropriately, his doubts in his faith.

Chuck grew up with very smart, kind, Biblically-driven parents. He took on their faith as his own for the majority of his life and when he went and got married to some liberal-minded Jesus lover for whom some aspects of her faith were much different than he was used to, it threw him for a loop. While I did much of my faith exploration during my time at my small, liberal Christian college; Chuck never had that opportunity. So for him, moving out of his parents' home and into our little apartment on the North side of Pittsburgh was when he really started grappling with what he believes. I don't want him to continue blindly following what his parents taught him but never understanding why. And I certainly don't want him adopting my beliefs as his own. My husband is really wrestling with what he believes and it's amazing to watch him explore and grow.

So yesterday, when he commented on the fact that many Christians claim to have heard God speak to them he exclaimed with due frustration, "I've never heard God talk to me!"

And this is where I shared my experiences with God's voice.

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God has never directly spoken to me. He has never come down on a winged chariot to direct me one way or another in my life's journey. I have never had a climatic Lieutentant-Dan-aboard-the-Jenny-screaming-at-the-sky-during-a-hurricane kind of revelation.

And yet when I was 16 and did not yet know the love of Christ; when I was depressed, hated life and felt unworthy of love, I picked up a Bible and God "told" me I was loved. I was so loved in fact, that he would die a most painful and excruciating death just so that I could live an unburdened and joyful life; confident in the fact that one day, I would live the most beautiful and harmonious eternal life beside him in Heaven.

For an angsty and unlovable teenager to suddenly realize that she is beautiful and she is adoringly and unconditionally loved is a BIG thing.

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Today, among the hustle and bustle of city life I don't "hear" God. 

When my my mind is completely spinning out of control and I'm angry and restless often times, I'll go for a run or a hike in the woods. My feet clumsily and obliviously find the dirt trails, and in my mind, I scream accusations at God. 

"Why did you lead me to believe I was so special when nothing I do is of significance?!"

"Why did you make me fall in love with a homebody husband when all I want to do is travel the world?!"

"Why can't I find a job I love when all I want to do is help people?!"

And in the midst of the noise, and confusion, and frustration, and anger, I realize there is a fawn and doe standing approximately 10 feet away from me peacefully foraging through the woods. They are oblivious to me, and to my problems, because in the end, those things don't matter.

And in those moments, it is as if God hears all my petulant whining and just whispers, "Shh. I'm here, Kaity. I am here and always will be. And, I have a plan. Have faith in me, because I promise, I have a plan."

Those moments are why I believe in God. 

God never talks to me, and a lot of times, my prayers feel fruitless. I don't know if I believe that God really talks to anyone. But I believe that He does communicate with us in the ways He knows we'll understand. For me, it's through writing and being surrounded by His creation. For others, maybe it really is sitting in a pew week after week. Or maybe it's through the powerful epiphany brought on by the lyrics of a song on the radio.

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So when I told Chuck this last night, I didn't answer any of his questions. I didn't leave him with a profound sense of wonder at my deep, personal theology. But I left him with peace.

Because while he's still working things out, I think he knows that God already has.

I Feel Angsty

I really couldn't think of a better way to title this post, so I thought I'd stick with the truth. My current state of mind? 

Angsty.

It's been awhile since anything has drastically changed in my life, which I think for most people, would be a most welcome feeling. For me, I've got ants in my pants. Complacency makes me uneasy. I feel like I need to move, need to find a new job, need to make a trip abroad. None of these things are remotely possible...or sensical...at the moment, so my geographic claustrophobia has me jumping out of my skin.

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I think I've also gotten to that nasty "anger" part of the grief process. You may remember the fact that I lost a good friend last month to a war I don't believe in. For lack of a better term, I feel like the whole ordeal completely mind-fucked me. Yes, I used the "F" word, but it needed to be said. 

I don't agree with our reasons for being in Afghanistan. But I don't want to believe that my Frankie G died in vain. He died fighting for what he believed in. He died with honor. So how do you reconcile that?

I'm angry with Frankie, himself. Angry that he was so quick to discard me. Angry that he left before we had a chance to reconnect. Angry that all I can think about is me, me, ME when his family is still reeling over his death.

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I feel angst in my marriage. In the sense that things can't be this perfect. Something has to go wrong. And when things go wrong, I will be the one to blame.

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And yet despite of all this angst, I'm happy (and clearly bi-polar).

I'm not unhappy with my job. Not unhappy with where we're living. And most certainly not unhappy with the  best husband a girl could ask for.

Things are just as they're supposed to be. And for whatever reason, it's freaking me out! 

Life with 5 Dads

I originally wrote this post on Father's Day of 2011. It still rings absolutely true today, but there's one Dad that needs to be added to the list. So stay with me, because I'm getting there...

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Father's Day is both simultaneously a holiday that is a little awkward for me, and one that I only truly began to appreciate this year. For anyone who knows me, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that I've struggled with "Daddy issues" in the past. This year, however, I became exceedingly aware of just how blessed I am to have the privilege of experiencing life with more than one Dad. Each one has taught me something so different about what it means to be a father and a husband. Insight, that I imagine, most people may not be able to boast of.

When I was 10, my mom and biological father, Emmett, were divorced. However, there was no real grieving to be had by my sister and I for the end of our parent's marriage because about a month or so later, my Dad suffered from a massive stroke. The stroke paralyzed his right side and his speech took a huge hit. To this day, he must use a motorized scooter when traveling a large distance and walks with a serious limp, his right arm is completely useless and the only words he can clearly state are "I love you" and various obscenities. Perhaps, most upsetting for my sister and I were not the physical repercussions the stroke left in its wake, but the fact that it left him a complete shell of the man we grew up with. It was almost as if the day of the stroke, our Daddy died and a crippled, depressed old man took his place.

Enter Dad #2. About a year after the divorce, my mom was remarried to a 6'5" 300-lb biker by the name of Ed. To sum up, the consequent 6 years were the most terrifying and hellish years of all our lives. Ed suffered from a serious alcohol addiction and was one of the most genuinely mean people I've ever known. If a shirt was cut too low by his standards, I was deemed a slut. If Kelly's laundry wasn't put away when he wanted it done, she would be hit. Heaven forbid, an argument were to arise between he and my mother after he'd been drinking, she'd receive a black eye. We endured more verbal and physical abuse during those years than I think anyone should ever have to experience and I honestly struggle to this day to forgive him for the hurt and hopelessness he inflicted upon the two people I love the most in this world.

When we finally escaped the hell of the House of Pain, we had about a year or two of "just us girls." While we were grateful to have a life again, that time was no less difficult for us. We were incredibly poor, transitioning between homes, and mom was dealing with the inevitable depression that resulted from the dissolution of her abusive marriage. Not long after though, my mom found consolation in a friend she'd known for years. Enter Dad #3, Kenny. Now obviously, after what I'd endured with Ed, I was more than a little skeptical when the new boyfriend started showing up and for lack of a better word, was a lot bitchier than I should have been. But Kenny stuck it out, and eventually proved that there is no way he had it in him to ever hurt my mother or one of us girls. But more so, that he loved my mother with every ounce of his being. This one was here to stay.

My Daddy instilled in me an amazing ear for music. Through his talent as a musician, I've gained such an appreciation for the beauty in every genre of music. I also inherited his goofy, sarcastic sense of humor. There are very few people in the world who actually get my sense of humor, and I absolutely have him to thank for that. I have his eyes, his nose, his big noggin and his intelligence. I am 50% Emmett James Best and proud of it.

Ed helped mold me into an incredibly independent and strong woman. I am fearless, yet appreciative of every blessing I've had bestowed upon me. I am a survivor. He unintentionally taught me about the power of forgiveness and allowed me to have an even closer relationship with my two best friends: my mom and sister. Perhaps most profoundly, however, he led me to Dad #4, Jesus Christ. Because of his involvement with AA, I began attending Church and was saved from my sins, and saved from a violent home by the grace of God alone.

Kenny has illustrated what it means to be a balanced man. Looking at his tattoos, scruffy face and Harley apparrel, it would be easy to assume he was a gruff, stone-cold biker. He is possibly the most sensitive and warm-hearted man I've ever met. He tears up at every birthday card, hugs me the instant he sees me and tells me how beautiful I am when I visit home and seizes every opportunity to let his kids (biological and step) know how much he loves us.

Each one of these men has had such a profound impact on me and I truly am the woman I am today because of them.

To my Daddy, to Ed and to Kenny, I thank you and wish you a Happy Father's Day. I am blessed beyond belief.

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Since writing this post two years ago, I can happily add a new Dad to the list- Chuck's father, Loren. I am so thankful to Loren in so many ways. For the last two and a half years, I have never seen him fail to open the car door for Chuck's mom, Sherry. I have watched him in countless moments of patience when Sherry or one of the kids has been late running out the door (I'm pretty sure he's the only punctual one in the entire family). I've watched him captivate his kids with stories of his youth and political/historical anecdotes.

Basically, every good, chivalrous and wonderful thing that makes Chuck the amazing husband that he is, was learned from watching his father. Happy Father's Day to you too, Loren. Thank you for blessing me with your son.

Love the One You're With

My husband has accused me of being a fair weather fan. I will adamantly defend myself against such accusations. I am not a “fair weather” fan. I am a “love the one you’re with” kind of fan. Growing up in Upstate New York, with the exception of Syracuse University basketball, I never really got on board with NY teams. The Jets were made for New Jersey-ans. The Bills were a joke. And the Giants got good after I left the state.

Pittsburgh Pirates vs. San Francisco Giants: June 11, 2013

When I moved to Philly for college, I was an Eagles fan to the core. If for no other reason than I had a serious crush on Desean Jackson. After I moved to Ohio, I realized that my friends and future family would probably disown me if I said a bad thing about the Bengals, so I uttered a silent “Who Dey” whenever the game blared in Chuck’s parents’ home.

Yesterday, Chuck and I attended our first Pirates game when the Cincinnati Reds weren’t the opponent. Granted, it was because I got a Groupon deal for the tickets. But in our continued campaign to make Pittsburgh home, I’m telling the world- until further notice, I am a Pittsburgh Pirates fan! :)

Clearly, the guy behind us was loving our PDA...and my cheese-tastic grin.

On Procreating

The other night I had a dream that scared the bejeezus out of me. It was like an episode of ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ where I realized at 20 weeks that I was with child. I was terrified.

Chuck and I were in Pittsburgh with no family or friends nearby. We could barely make ends meet with just two mouths to feed. I didn't have enough annual or sick leave accumulated at work to even have more than a day of maternity leave. We just plain couldn't afford to make a baby.

When I woke up, I realized that it wasn't a dream. This is our reality. We cannot afford to have a baby.

Reason #1 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon? 

I'm poor.

Memorial Day weekend we spent a few days with Chuck's family in Ohio. And I got to spend some time bonding with my brand new nephew. Let me tell you something: I was the most awkward person you've ever seen hold a baby. I do have a nurturing side, but I am the most non-maternal person there is. I couldn't burp him right, felt like I couldn't feed him right and was just altogether scared shitless at the possibility of breaking him.

I have no idea what to even do with a baby.

Reason #2 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon? 

I'm scared.

Not only did that Memorial Day weekend scare me, but it really allowed me to witness the reality of having a newborn who consumes all of your time. I love being lazy on the weekends. I love being able to watch bad reality TV, make spontaneous plans and hunker down for a few hours to read a good book. A baby changes everything, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up just yet.

Reason #3 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon? 

I'm selfish.

Hubby and I have begun making plans for our one-year anniversary trip. Given our financial constraints, it will by no means be an extravagant trip, but I'm super excited by the prospect of having four days of just Chuck-and-Kaity. During the work week, I get to see my husband when we wake up and when we go to sleep. I haven't even known him for three years yet. Quite simply, I want more time with him.

Reason #4 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?

I'm not ready to share.

I pray that one day I'll be as good a mother as I know Chuck is destined to be a father. But until then I'm content to just keep him to myself, to travel, and to enjoy my youth. We only get these years once and I want to take full advantage of them!

Stitch Fix: Round Three

Fix #3 arrived on my porch Saturday morning and I could barely contain myself. I dragged it inside and tore through the tissue paper to find an assortment of blouses.

#1

I loved the colors in this top, but collars are just not my thing.

#2

I loved the fitted sleeves on this sweater which set it apart from other similar loose-fitting blouses, but it was just a little too baggy for my taste.

 #3

I do love the color- I've been very partial to red lately. But this is not something I would wear in a million years. It seems too...matronly for me. I didn't even bother trying this one on.

 #4

At first glance, I was not at all interested in this top. But after trying it on, I actually really liked it. Had it not been made for a woman with DD's, I might have considered keeping it.

 #5

Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner folks! I was immediately attracted to this blouse when I sorted through my options, and as it turns out, it fit perfectly!

I paired my new top with a nude bandeau, red skinny jeans from Target and my favorite pair of nude, crocheted Toms.

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Click HERE to see my first fix.

Click HERE to sign up for Stitch Fix for yourself!

Weddings R Da Bomb

Not really sure about the title. It just seemed appropriate given my current state of brainlessness. 

In case you were wondering where I went gallivanting off to this last week, here is my answer in two parts:

1.  Working my patootie off during our busiest time of the year- crop reporting season! (I know that means absolutely nothing to you).

2. My cousin's wedding!

My cousin Chris, married his beautiful bride Lisa in a country-chic wedding in the mountains of Southeast NY, just minutes North of the New Jersey state line. My hubby, sister, Mama and I had a complete blast...as evidenced by the pictures below.

My handsome cousin Chris and some of his guys,

Lisa's dress was to die for! She made such a lovely bride.

Then came the reception...

Believe it or not, none of us were actually inebriated. This is just us in our natural state.

We epitomize class.

My family ♥

...and the lucky man, himself.

Had to interrupt the groom on the dance floor to get this gangsta-licious picture.

And on the 6.5 hour drive home, we celebrated 9 months together. 

Try as we might, none of us could even manage a good buzz. We were too busy breaking it down on the dance floor and loving life. I need more friends and family members to tie the knot, because seriously, WEDDINGS R DA BOMB!

Blog of the Month: A Brew of Blessings

Tara from A Brew of Blessings has been one of those bloggers I feel like I've been following since the dawn of time. She is sweet as can be, a constant ray of light and I'm addicted to hearing about her life abroad after she married her British hubby.

Tara was a recently a BBC celebrity, which if you don't know, garners major admiration in my book. She is so steadfast in her faith which she so beautifully demonstrated in her post about her life as a beautiful masterpiece of the Lord's creating. She also recently provided her readers with some awesome tips on house hunting!

Seriously, how cute are these two?!
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But you want to know the thing I love most about her? She's probably the most genuinely nice person I've "met" through blogging. Every comment I've left on her blog has been received by heartfelt words of thanks and appreciation. And the times that Tara has reflected on my words on this little ol' blog have had me glowing. She is sweeter than sweet, a source of constant positivity and optimism and I could think of no one better to sponsor this month! Be sure to check her out and leave her some love, you'll be so glad you did! :)

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Catch up with my previous BOTM selections here:

May: dinglefest

April: Moments with Love

March: The Wiegands

February: Enjoying the Small Things