The State of the Family Address

Disclaimer: Before I dive into the topic at hand, there is a LOT I have to catch up on. Today's post is not that. Catch-up post is coming soon!

A couple of days ago I posted a picture on my Instagram "oversharing" that after months, nay years, of conversation, Chuck and I had finally reached a decision on the current state (and future) of our family. However, my lack of pronouncement about what that decision actually was led to quite a few people scratching their heads and privately messaging me along the lines of, "Umm...care to elaborate?" To all the people I left utterly confused, my apologies. I was reluctant to come right out and say it because up until now it feels like we've gone back and forth and changed our mind no less than a hundred times.

However, I feel okay sharing here and now because this time feels different. Without getting into some heavy theological tangent, this past year has been a big one for my faith. I've been praying more and listening more. And not too long ago, I prayed and God listened. I prayed for clarity and my prayer was answered. I texted Chuck the next morning and he was on the complete same page.

You see, for the last couple years we've been really torn about adding more children to our family. Once we had Crosby, we declared We're Done Having Kids. And we meant it. I gave away all of our baby clothes to some fellow boy Mamas and made mental pro and con lists about the perks of keeping our family limited to two miniature Stuckerts. We didn't feel like our financial footing was solid enough to bring another baby into the family. We didn't want to go through another round of pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. And quite frankly, we were scared to sacrifice our mental sanity because the first two years after Crosby was born were a complete shit show. 

We had a million reasons why it made sense to remain a family of four. And yet, there was this tugging at my heartstrings. My head made peace with the current makeup of our family, but my heart stubbornly refused to get on board. Not to mention, the sheer volume of testosterone in our house was making me desperately yearn for a baby girl. 

So, for the last year or so we've gone back and forth- do we follow our heads or follow our hearts? One day we would be responsible grown-ups and decide we were content with being a two-child family. And then the next day, I'd be overcome by a vision of Christmases down the road where three or more Stuckerts came home to spend the holidays together- and suddenly we were planning to try for another baby. This was our pattern for months.

Until I prayed, and God answered. 

Before I ever gave birth. Before I got married. Before I even met Chuck, I wanted to pursue international adoption. At the height of our financial despair it seemed completely out of reach and unrealistic for us. But we've been incredibly diligent in the last year and have made some serious momentum with our Debt Snowball. We feel like a debt-free life could actually be within reach for us within the next 3-5 years. And we really don't want to put that on hold and take on the additional expenses that a third child would entail. 

So, what's the plan?

Finally, the part where I tell you our life's plan! I feel silly even posting this because putting a plan in print is a foolproof way to make sure it never comes to fruition. However, Chuck and I have decided that while we don't think our family is "complete" we feel very confident that we're done with the baby-making stage. 

What does this look like? It means that for the next 3-5 years we'll continue to be serious about becoming debt-free and getting rid of all my outstanding student loans for good. Once we're debt-free, we can start applying all that freed up income toward saving for adoption expenses. We're well aware of how costly international adoption can be. Thankfully, my employer is one of the best in the nation in terms of supporting working families and they offer a sizable adoption reimbursement program. It could potentially cut our expenses in half! 

Obviously, we don't know who our future children will be, but we have a good idea of what area of the world they'll be born into. And we also still haven't given up hope of a Girl Stuckert joining the family.

So, there you have it- the Stuckert Family Plan. We know what they say about, "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans," but we feel a deep and abiding peace about this path and will be working our tails off to make it happen!

The Loneliness of "Boy Mom" Life

Growing up, my younger sister and I would spend our summer breaks living with my Grandma in New Jersey for three months. We’d help out around her family business, take frequent trips to the library, and eat out for nearly every meal. For one weekend of that summer, our aunt (who had two boys of her own) would scoop us up for some girl time. Our days were spent swimming and doing arts and crafts. She would spoil us with whatever junk food we wanted, drive-in movies and back-to-school shopping.

We lived for those weekends and in retrospect, I can’t believe how lucky we were to have an aunt who just genuinely loved hanging out with “the girls.” In hindsight I also see the situation differently as a mom of two boys myself. I think my aunt needed that time with the girls just as much as we did. Because I’ve been finding something as of late- #BoyMom life carries with it a unique sort of loneliness.

For months (maybe even years now?), Chuck and I have frequently gone back and forth about whether we want to have a third child. The window of time for us to decide is growing smaller and smaller if we don’t want an awkwardly large age gap between our hypothetical middle and youngest children. And yet, we legitimately cannot figure out what our family should look like. I’ve found myself frustrated by the conventional wisdom that says if you’re meant to have another child “you just know.” Or the cliche that asks you to picture what you want your family to look like in 5, 10, 20 years…The truth is, I have no idea!

We love the idea of Chuck being a “girl Daddy.” (He would be the best). However, it’s vastly outweighed by the cons of four more years of childcare expenses, the agony of pregnancy and childbirth, and pushing back the timeline on our career and financial goals. Not to mention, we feel like we’re barely keeping our heads above water with these two insane children- I can’t even imagine the stress of trying to juggle three!

Chuck and I were in tears discussing it for the zillionth time a couple evenings ago, because we’re so dang burnt out and exhausted right now. And I came to realize something. I don’t know that I actually want a third child. I think I just want a daughter.

Only having ever had a sister, boys are basically a new species. Everything about boys is new to me and I have found so much joy in the journey. My boys are the most kind, silly, tender-hearted, smart, inquisitive, and hilarious beings I’ve ever had the privilege to know and love. But some days the endless litany of wrestling and poop jokes overwhelms me and I question whether I’m cut out for this. "Tom boy” is not a term anyone has ever used to describe me. My childhood was spent playing Barbies with my sister or with my nose in a book. The sheer physicality of boyhood feels like too much sometimes and I wish I had a female in the house to balance out all of the testosterone.

I want a girl.

But I don’t know if I want a girl enough to take the chance of a house filled with three boys. International adoption is something I always thought I would do someday, and Chuck and I are leaving that door open for the future. But right now, I'm just trying to find peace in the occasional loneliness of being a boy Mama.

Charlie's First Day of Pre-K (and Other Mommy Blogger Musings)

A little bit of real talk before I launch into an ode to how adorable my child is. Since I went back to work full-time last June, it would be an understatement to say I've let this blog become a little neglected. It wasn't an intentional choice; just something that had to slide off my plate to make room for everything else going on in life.

I don't know if you know this or not, but toddlers are a lot. Chuck and I have been feeling a little burnt out lately. They say that comparison is the thief of joy, so I try to find contentedness and gratitude in what truly and genuinely is a very fortunate and happy life. However, in my less "Pollyanna" moments I look to my friends who have children around the same age whose parents are able help with childcare and the little green monster of envy gets stirred up in me. That's not a slight toward our boys' grandparents because I know if they could, they would. It just wears on you to be in parenting mode all the time (and the cost of childcare can be tough pill to swallow!)

All of that to say, that blogging has moved down my list of priorities and I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I don't want to let this space go, even if it's rarely used these days. I think I've narrowed it down to two things: 1. I suck at scrapbooking, so this weird little online space is essentially my kids' baby book, and 2. Writing is just a part of my genetic makeup. I feel like I simply don't know how to exist in this world without it.

So, if you like to follow along with my pretty mundane little life- I've got good news for you, I'm not going anywhere. Whether you'll be receiving more regular content any time soon is probably a crap shoot. I'm not in a season where that feels doable yet, but who knows- I may get there soon.

But I digress...my firstborn started Pre-K! Last year, Charlie attended a 2-day/week preschool at the local Methodist church. It was a sweet little program, but it required a lot of coordinating transportation logistics which was an annoying stressor in our life that I was all too ready to give up. Our local school district has a Pre-K program in which kids can ride the bus with school-aged kids, so that was really all I needed to know.

The program is made up of 2/3 students with special needs and 1/3 typically developing students. On top of the provided transportation, I really liked the idea of Charlie attending school with some of his special needs peers. On top of having a Grandpa who was disabled for twenty years, our boys' also have two sweet cousins on the autism spectrum. I want my boys' to be surrounded by other kids who are differently abled. I never thought much about my Dad's disability while he was alive because he was just my Dad. I didn't think of him as "a disabled person." However, since his death I've spent some time meditating on ways in which I can be a better advocate for children and adults with special needs and/or disabilities. I don't have any real answers yet, but this feels like a start.

His first day was last Wednesday and after a couple days of transportation issues, I think we finally got him on a bus schedule that works for him and his sitter. He hasn't told me nearly anything about how he spends his days, but I know that he loves riding the bus with the big kids! And Mommy loves that his school has an app where his teacher sends pictures and classroom updates so I have some semblance of knowledge of what he's doing four mornings per week!

Once we've gotten these first couple weeks under our collective family belt, we're also going to be enrolling him in a boys' tumbling class. This kid never stops moving and loves to do flips so it seems like the perfect fit. Mommy is excited for him to burn off some of that energy and learn a fun new skill!

On top of that, our Crosby Loren turns 3 in less than three weeks! It may take me another month to draft a post, but definitely stay tuned for my little Ninja Turtle's birthday celebration!

Life Lately v9 (Or, Anything to Distract Myself from the Fact that my Family has Lice)

This post has been brewing for a few weeks now, but honestly it's been so long since I last hit "publish," that I've really struggled with where to begin. I feel like there's so much ground to cover that I haven't even known where to start. Well, who woulda thunk that it would be a case of head lice that brought me back to my blogging roots?

That's right- my parenting nightmare became a reality when I realized yesterday evening that there were in fact tiny little creatures skittering through Crosby's and my hair. *shudders* I spent upwards of four hours scrubbing, shampooing, and combing through all our hair. I managed to go through the entirety of my childhood without getting it, but ah yes, the joys of motherhood. I promise, I'm really trying not to be overly negative or dramatic about this- but head lice is one of my biggest irrational fears and I cannot even tell you how much I'm freaking out right now. So much so, that I used a sick day (that I do not have to spare because it seems like my children are literally always sick) to stay home and wash every last linen and article of clothing in our house.

So, while I sit here in my freshly laundered bed suffering from phantom itches all over my body, I figured I'd do something relatively productive with my downtime (anything to distract myself!) and publish the post that has been a long time coming.

LIFE LATELY (v9)

When last I left off at the beginning of the year, I was spending my cold, winter months trapped inside organizing my house and attempting to upgrade my wardrobe. I shared that I was still in full-on study mode at work and that Chuck and I were going back and forth on whether we wanted to have another child. In March, Crosby celebrated his half birthday so I threw together a quick 2.5-year interview post. And then I checked in on some bucket list goals.

Now here we are, over two months later and my blog is like a desolate, Mommy blogger wasteland. Allow me to catch you up to speed...

HEALTH & FITNESS

I felt like we spent so much of our Spring just battling sickness. We had two bouts of strep, a couple ear infections and other assorted ailments. It's remarkable how you can be the healthiest person in the world and as soon as kids enter the picture, it's game over.

On a more positive note though, I'm back at it with half marathon training (Version 2.0). You may remember that I trained last year and at the last minute wasn't able to run due to some unfortunate circumstances outside of my control. Thankfully, I was able to defer my race registration until the following year. Which sounded like a great idea at the time, but now it means I actually have to be able to run 13+ miles NEXT WEEKEND. Eek! I'll be honest, I haven't been as motivated as I was last year, BUT I've managed a couple 8-mile runs which gives me hope that I might actually be able to pull this off. Now, I'm just praying that this Ohio humidity takes a hike!

STAY-CATION: 2019

Since I've been actively saving up to buy a minivan in cash, we knew there was no way we could swing a vacation this year. Instead, I made my birthday week in April a Staycation week. While I devoted my week to studying for my professional exam, scrubbing every square inch of our home, and all the other house projects I haven't had time for, our handyman friend Dale spent the week installing a window in our upstairs spare room that will eventually become Charlie's big boy bedroom. It's been a really slow process because working full-time with two toddlers doesn't lend itself well to getting projects accomplished, but as we're currently in a season of bed-sharing right now, I honestly don't think the boys are ready to sleep in their own rooms anyway. I'm hopeful that the timing will fall right into place. (This picture doesn't look like anything special, but just try to imagine what the side of our house looked like prior without the second story window):

WORK

I think I've only mentioned it a few thousand times, but I spent basically all of the past year studying for two professional exams. I passed the first in December, and then sat for the second in May. I am so happy that I passed because let me tell you- all that cramming was brutal. This is the first summer since becoming a Mom in which I haven't had a job that requires me to work on Saturdays, so I have been relishing all of this free time to spend with my kiddos. I've been doing a lot more reading, trips to the farmers' market and church on Sundays these last few months. I will probably study to obtain a professional designation at the end of the year/beginning of next year. But for now, I'm giving myself a much-needed break!

THE FAM
I am absolutely delighting in my boys these days. While their physical energy leaves me in a perpetual state of exhaustion, they are still so much darn fun. Charlie is 4.5 and Crosby will be three in less than 2 months! Crosby is talking more and more and is honing his sense of humor. He is silly, still affectionate as ever, and copies every little thing his big brother does. Charlie is becoming a big boy before our eyes- he went to summer day camp for the first time this year and loved it. Although it rained the entire week, he didn't know the difference and was completely reluctant to leave every evening at pick-up. He starts Pre-K next year and is bursting to be able to ride the school bus and points out his new school every time we pass it. I adore his personality and just love spending time with him. They're both the very best and I couldn't possibly love them more.

SUMMER

Our summer has been so much fun. It's been very laidback, but we've managed to fit in some stellar friend and family time. Chuck's brother was remarried in June and it was the boys' first wedding. They TORE UP the dance floor and we all had the time of our lives. The weekend of July 4th, my Mom came to visit on her three-wheeler. We had to be on "back door watch" because all these little toddlers wanted to do was go outside and sit on Grandma's motorcycle! We also took them to a friend's house for a July 4th party where Charlie proceeded to take up residence in the pond and basically had to be dragged out. He was a little wary last year, so I was so impressed by my eager little fishy! We don't have too much else planned for the summer except a Labor Day trip up to NY. Chuck and I will be attending a friend's wedding while the boys go camping with Grandma and Grandpa.

I think that about gets us up to speed on life with the Stuckerts! I haven't had much desire to blog lately because I was so burnt out from studying and wanted no part in anything that felt remotely like "work." But I have missed it. And even if it is a dying art, this blog has been with me for over a decade now and bears witness to the best moments of my life. I am in no hurry to say goodbye. So stay tuned, hopefully I'll be back with some more regular content- including some updates on our finances, the books I've been reading and loving and other beeautiful, mundane stuff!

Since it's been awhile, I'd love to know who (if anyone) is still reading this blog. Leave a comment and tell me all about your summer!

The Beauty of Co-Sleeping

Last night, Charlie was wired before bedtime (not unusual). We did our nightly routine of jammies, vitamin, teeth-brushing, a sippy cup of water, and three books. Chuck and I took our turn kissing him on the forehead and bidding him “sweet dreams.” However, several minutes after we had left the room, I could still hear Charlie whimpering and crying in his room.

I asked him what was wrong, knowing the answer. What kid likes to be left alone by Mom and Dad in the dark? So I laid down next to him in his snuggly twin-sized bed. As we lay, noses just inches apart, he told me about his day, and the games he played with his cousin Lucie that evening at the playground. He threw his little arm around my neck and commanded me, “Hey, come here. Get closer.” And who was I to deny him?

I have always been a diva when it comes to sleep. Whereas most people need 7-8 hours per night to function, I’ve always been more in the 8-9 hour range. In my teens, I could literally sleep until 4 PM. (Obviously, my 30-year old self cannot even fathom this. Think of all I could get accomplished in that time now!) So, as most expecting parents are apt to do, I conjured up in my brain the kind of strict, sleep-Nazi authoritarian Mom I would be. My children would sleep in their own beds, in their own rooms from a young age because Mommy needs her sleep. And also like many expecting parents, the reality of actual parenthood settled in and I was shocked to find that the whole co-sleeping thing is kind of glorious.

Charlie slept through the night in his own crib form the time he was 8 weeks old. Thank goodness too, because I don’t know how I would’ve managed going back to work when he was 10 weeks old, otherwise. He’s always been independent and a good sleeper. But right around the time he turned three, he started developing a fear of the dark. The first few times it became an issue, we tried persuading and encouraging him to go back to his own bed. But it didn’t last long. Not only was I too tired in the middle of the night to fight with him, but I also remembered just how scary nighttime can be as a little person and I hated the thought of leaving him alone and scared all by himself. I wanted him to experience the security and reassurance in knowing that he would always be protected if he chose to climb into Mommy and Daddy’s bed. So that’s where we’ve been for the past year. Sometimes he does well and sleeps like a log in his own big boy bed. And sometimes he wakes in the wee hours of the morning and quietly curls up between our feet.

Crosby is going on two and though he is also a really good sleeper, he wasn’t always that way. It took him over a year to begin sleeping through the night and his 18-month sleep regression was rough. Thankfully, his nursery doubles as our guest bedroom and there have been many a night when rather than opting to let him “cry it out” alone in his crib, I held him to my chest and lay with him as the warmth of my body slowly lulled him to sleep. Sometimes, all a little boy needs is the embrace of his Mama.

Now that I’m working full-time again, I treasure the nights when I get to snuggle these little boys of mine. During the week, I have a few hours with them to tackle dinner and bedtime and then our weekends are always jam-packed with my part-time job at the Farmers’ Market, studying for my professional exams, and swimming lessons. Sometimes we get caught up in all of the activity and it feels like I haven’t actually seen and spent time with them in ages. These are the times when I’m so thankful that Mama cuddles are the best cure for restless nights. These are the times when I’m reminded of just how fleeting time is and these precious little souls won’t want to sleep alongside their parents for much longer. These are the times that make me believe in the beauty of co-sleeping. 

CHARLIE | 3.5

Although it feels a little silly to do a half-birthday interview, it's also absolutely crazy how much these little ones grow in just 6 months. I just adore three and love the funny conversations that happen as Charlie begins to make sense of the world.

I can't remember who it was, but one of my Mom friends told me that there was a huge difference between age 3 and age 3.5. Whoever it was, you were right! This age is so much fun and I adore watching my first baby become an articulate, silly, energetic little person. I asked him a few questions below and highlighted his responses in orange. Also, please know that I totally missed the huge stain on his shirt until after I'd taken his pictures. However, it was such an effort just to get him to cooperate for one round, that I was not going to attempt them again. Plus, this is pretty true to our real life, anyway!

Charlie's 3.5-Year Interview

Favorite TV Show: Blippi. He also likes Paw Patrol which is the cutest show ever, so I may or may not nudge him in that direction.

Favorite pastime(s): Running around with his cousin Lucie, mowing the lawn, playing with cars, and pretending to be a ninja

Favorite color: Pink

Favorite toy: Crane- I don't think he actually has a crane, so I'm not sure what this is about

Favorite food: Apples and grapes- This kid rarely eats fruit, so I'm not sure where this comes from. He loves burgers, so we've been grilling out a lot this summer.

Favorite book: My potty book- He has a Daniel Tiger potty book that makes a flushing noise. He loves the Little Critter books so we read those almost every night.

Favorite animal: Elephant

Favorite sport: Basketball

Favorite movie: "Brat"- This is what he calls Despicable Me 3. He still loves the Despicable Me series and identifies them each by their respective villains.

Nickname(s): Char, Char Bar
Best friend(s): Lucie (His cousin- I don't see this changing any time soon!)

When I grow up, I want to be: A school bus- He knows that he'll get to ride a school bus when he's bigger so I think this is what prompted this

What I sleep with at night: Mommy and Daddy (this hasn't changed since his 3-year interview. He ends up in our bed almost every night. Thank goodness we upgraded to a king-sized mattress!)

This month, the boys started going to their in-home daycare 5 days per week. By Friday, Charlie has seemed a little sleepy and worn out, but overall he's handled the transition like a champ with few shed tears in the process. I can tell the change to Mommy working full-time has been better for everyone.

This kid never stops. From morning until night, if he's not running, he's ninja-kicking, hopping, or driving his cars off his make-believe Monster Mountain. I have high hopes of making him my little running buddy in the years to come. He goes to the park with his Daddy, Uncle Lonnie, and cousin Lucie 4-5 nights a week, weather permitting. So he gets a lot of his physical energy out during those park trips, but he also loves wrestling and chasing Mommy around the house when we get home in the evenings.

Despite his small stature, this kid is tough. Nothing phases him and I admit, Mommy gets accidentally beat up a lot. Just a couple months ago, I had to have two root canals done because I've been headbutt and/or kicked in the face so many times that two of my teeth actually died due to trauma to the area. Boy mom life is definitely not for the faint of heart!

Right now, he goes to swimming lessons once per week and he'll start preschool in the fall. I'm also thinking about enrolling him in gymnastics because he already loves to do somersaults and flips around the house. I think he'll love all the tumbling and bouncing around.

I wish I did a better day of documenting all the funny things he says and does- he cracks me up daily. He is my little spirit animal and mini-me. We have so much in common and it's so fun to see my little behaviors, mannerisms, and expressions come out in him.

Charlie Davis, I simply adore you and look forward to the next six months of fun. You make your Mommy so ridiculously happy and I hope you never forget that. I love you.

On Bittersweet Changes (Round 2)

A year and a half ago, I published a post entitled On Bittersweet Changes about my decision to leave the nonprofit job I had loved for three years to become a stay-at-home Mom to Charlie and newborn baby Crosby. In the last 1.5 years, I've side hustled and tried to make this blog profitable, I went back to my former employer in a seasonal, part-time position, I started working part-time managing my local farmers' market, and I took on another part-time job working with one of my best friends doing marketing for a small, local nonprofit. Three weeks ago, I bid adieu to the side hustling, stay-at-home Mom season and said hello again to the full-time working Mom season.

I am once again a full-time working Mama and I couldn't be happier about the change. Although leaving my good friend behind was definitely bitter, it was a necessary evil for this sweet new season we've ushered in.

So, what is the new job? Before I share about my new role, I want to explain a little bit about the journey that brought me to here.

Before I became a stay-at-home Mom, I diligently and relentlessly worked on our budget down to the last cent to make sure we could feasibly afford to become a one-income family. We knew it would be tight, but nothing could have prepared us for the financial hit we would take just a month or two after I quit my job. Unfortunately, I can't share more than that, but suffice it to say that the income we were counting on was suddenly not there and we were completely screwed.

I started taking on sponsored blog opportunities, Chuck started washing dishes in the evenings at a local restaurant, I started working part-time gigs, and we even applied for food assistance through the WIC program to make sure we had groceries on our shelves (and I'll be honest, there were months where I don't know what we would have done without WIC). Even with all of that part-time supplemental income, we still weren't doing well. We fell behind on bills and loans. We had debt collectors calling us non-stop, and at our lowest point, Chuck's car was repossessed (we got it back).

Obviously, it's not easy to admit any of these things. It fills me with a deep sense of shame that things got as bad as they did for us financially. But if there's one thing you know about me from this blog, it's that I'm an open book. It doesn't occur to me to be dishonest or blatantly omit certain truths. I am sharing the painful, vulnerable, real truth about how messed up our financial situation has been since I became a stay-at-home Mom. And if you're wondering to yourself about why I didn't just go back to work full-time before now, I'm getting to that.

Needless to say, being this vulnerable and out of control of our finances was just about the shittiest feeling in the world. It was making us anxious, and angry, and upset (and definitely didn't help the difficult season of marriage we had found ourselves in). I started reading more about personal finance, I religiously planned our grocery list to save as much money as possible, I budgeted like crazy. Not only out of necessity, but because I was finding myself genuinely enjoying it. I hated feeling like I wasn't in control of our family's financial situation and I wanted to feel more knowledgeable of the financial industry in order to set our family on a path to security and stability.

As I was browsing job boards for new full-time opportunities, I stumbled upon a listing for a Financial Advisor Training program. Despite the fact that I had absolutely no experience in the finance industry, I had nothing to lose by applying, so I gave it a shot. To my surprise, my application made it through the first hurdle, I took some tests of my basic math and logic skills (which I still have no idea how I passed), I went through a phone interview with a recruiter which I nailed, and she then set me up with an in-person interview at the company's Cincinnati office.

I sat down at a table across from two managers in the training program and within about 60 seconds, it was obvious that this position would not be a good fit for me. However, I interviewed well and they really liked me so they referred me to another department for an entirely different position that was a perfect fit, given my professional experience. A few days later, I interviewed with another two managers and it was the best interview I've ever had. I had a natural rapport and chemistry with the managers, I truly felt I could do this job well and I could tell they loved me and would have hired me on the spot if they could. Unfortunately, the position for which I interviewed was filled by someone who already had the necessary licenses and I didn't get that job. But they informed me that as soon as a new position opened up, I could expect to receive a call.

For the next nine-ish months, they would call periodically to give me a status update or just to make sure I hadn't given up hope and was still interested. And for those nine months I didn't apply to a single other full-time job because I was so sure that this was the path I was meant to take. Finally in May, I went to another in-person interview and the next week, I got the call that they were offering me the position. It was heartbreaking to tell my friend that I was leaving my job in our two-person office and I fretted about when and how I would deliver the sad news. Despite the fact that she hated to lose me, she could not have been more supportive and I will be forever grateful to her for that.

I submitted my resignation and informed our Board of the news. Two weeks later, I arrived for my first day on the job. It's now been three weeks and I know undoubtedly that this job was worth the wait. I'm working with an amazingly kind and family-oriented team. I have amazing benefits (including a small childcare reimbursement!), a solid salary, and the opportunity to grow and increase my compensation. In addition to that, I'm learning a new language- finance and investment. I feel so empowered that the knowledge I'll gain from this new role will enable me to dig our family out of our crater of debt, start saving for our future, and give our kids opportunities that they wouldn't have otherwise.

From the outside looking in, it might seem confusing to a lot of people who know me that I completely switched industries- from nonprofit to finance. It's why I felt the need to explain our journey and why this job means so much to me because of what our family has been through together. So now, when people ask me about myself, I can happily say, "My name is Kaity and I work in finance" with the deepest of pride.

Have you ever changed industries before? What was it like for you?

Let's Talk about Mommy/Marriage Burnout

I'm assuming anyone reading this likely hasn't noticed, but I've been rather absent from my blog as of late. It's kind of a seasonal thing for me. My writing motivation ebbs and flows. I mentioned in the post about my Dad that I don't do well in the latter winter months. Being cooped up inside and not getting enough sunshine are not good for me. Seasonal depression aside, I haven't been writing because truthfully? I am so freaking burnt out.

I've been at this Mom thing for over three years now and in that time I've had few breaks. My family is two states away and Chuck's parents are working and/or have physical limitations. I'll be honest I get real salty and resentful of parents of young children whose family are readily available to watch their kids. It's an ugly and unproductive way of thinking, but I can't help it.

I am running on fumes. I drink three cups of coffee per day (A LOT for me) and I still can't function like a normal human being. Mothering two toddler boys is absolutely insane. It is just non-stop all the time and I'm constantly seeking just 10 minutes of reprieve from the incessant noise and chaos.

In the time since Crosby's birth, my marriage has been especially neglected. Without going into specifics, and with the disclaimer that if asked, my husband would say the same thing- the last year has been really hard on Chuck and me. We've been so out of sync and disconnected as we try to just manage the day-to-day responsibilities of parenthood without any kind of outside help. We get snippier with each other more often than we ever have. We misread each other as being mean or snarky, when we're honestly just tired. We get frustrated with life and lash out at each other. We haven't been ourselves and it hasn't been pretty.

And what we want more than anything is just a break. We constantly daydream of taking a week-long Caribbean vacation together to just relax and enjoy each other. Of course, that's not even a remote possibility right now as we're still living off of Chuck's income while my part-time income is enough to cover our daycare and grocery expenses.

I love my husband and I love our boys. They are the joys of my life. I do feel like we're making our way back out of the valley. But seriously, parenting without a village feels impossible some days.

And that's all I have to say about that.
(10 points to Gryffindor is you read that as Forrest Gump)

Coffee Date v.2

Whenever there is an extended absence on my blog it is usually not because I have nothing to write about. On the contrary, it's generally during periods of my life where I have a million blog-worthy things happening, but can't share for whatever reason. Before you jump the gun, rest assured that I am not with child. I do, however, have a lot of other stuff happening and my creative juices have just been zapped.

So although I haven't been writing, I kind of miss you all. I feel like I have a lot to say, and if you don't mind, I'd love to share a few things over coffee...

If we were on a coffee date...I'd probably order a soy latte with a shot of peppermint. I will never get over peppermint in coffee. Ever.

If we were on a coffee date...I'd tell you that I quit writing for Dayton Moms Blog and Cincinnati Moms Blog last week. I'm proud of the content I contributed and I'm so thankful for the experience. I genuinely feel like it made me a better writer. Not to mention, I came out of it with the most beautiful friendships with some Moms in my area. However, something had to give. I have had too much on my plate and I was getting to a place where it just wasn't a source of joy for me anymore.

If we were on a coffee date...I'd probably jot down reminders in my phone as we spoke. My Farmers' Market is back! This is my second year co-managing, and yet I still somehow forgot how much work goes into making it all happen. It's a job that sometimes leaves me frazzled as I try to tie up loose ends in between wrangling toddlers. But our little community of farmers, artisans, and patrons is just so dang wonderful. It's a blessing to be a part of it.

If we were on a coffee date...I might get real with you about how I haven't been 100% loving motherhood lately. Charlie is three. And while three is filled with loads of laughs and sweet conversations, it's also filled with attitude, tantrums, and testing boundaries. I thought I could at least count on my sweet Crosby to take it easy on me, but he's been even worse! The tantrums, whining, and crying that have erupted from him just in the last week have me wondering if he's been possessed!

If we were on a coffee date...I'd admit that I broke down crying on the phone with my sister last week. After I met up with an old college friend for dinner, I was reminded of who I was pre-babies. It kind of shocked me into realizing how much I've sacrificed the last three years. I've been a great Mom and I feel confident in saying that my boys know how loved they are, but I've also lost my sense of self. I want to unearth that college girl and start doing more to make me happy.

If we were on a coffee date...I'd say that the first step I took in regaining my pre-baby self was running again. I went for two runs last week expecting to not make it more than a mile. I was completely shocked when I ran around two miles (I didn't track it) the first day and three miles the second day. And my pace wasn't even that bad! I'm not sure how I managed to so seamlessly transition back into running again, but it was blatantly clear how much I've truly missed it and how gosh-darn great it made me feel!

If we were on a coffee date...I'd apologize for rambling and monopolizing your time. I'd ask you about your life, your career, and your family. I might even go up for a second round of coffee so I could cozy up and listen to you (and not just because I'm not ready to go back to my house of crazies!)

I hope you're doing well friends (I really have missed you). Tell me, what's something you'd share with me on a coffee date?

A Saturday in the Life | February 2018

Back in July of last year, I did a Photo Every Hour post to show what a typical day in our life looked like. I think this is such a fun way to capture the changing seasons of motherhood. Over the last couple months, our family has developed a little weekend ritual of sorts.

We wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, get everyone dressed and then we head out the door to the boys' swimming lessons at Goldfish Swim School. You may remember that last month, the boys graduated to new swim levels. So these days, Chuck drops Charlie off at his end of the pool and monitors him, while I hop into the pool on the other end with Crosby for his lesson.

This past weekend, Chuck was unfortunately not able to come with us because of a family funeral. So, I sat in the lobby with Crosby while Charlie did his lesson. After he was all dried off and dressed, we continued our weekly tradition and headed to Costco for lunch and shopping. I've been comparing Costco prices to my usual spots- Kroger and Aldi to see which is most affordable. It can be hit or miss, but I'll say this- where else can you get lunch for a family of four for $10.00?! It's amazing!

After the boys and I ate our hot dogs and pizza, we strolled around the store. I picked up a few must-have grocery items on our list, as well as some wine for my upcoming Galentine's Day Pajama Party. I also got shirts for both Chuck and myself.

Charlie was long overdue for a haircut, so since we were already in the Dayton area, we headed to Cookie Cutters Haircuts for Kids. This was our second time going there, and I love it soooo much. The kids get to choose their own little vehicle to sit in, the show they want to watch on Netflix, and the prize they want when their haircut is done. It's just a plain fun experience and Charlie looooves going to get his haircut now.

After Charlie got his haircut (which turned out super cute BTW!), we headed to At Home. It's a new home decor chain store and I'd heard enough good things that I wanted to check it out for myself. Honestly, I was kind of disappointed. It could have just been that it was soooo crowded so I couldn't really leisurely explore everything like I wanted to. But it kind of felt like the Hobby Lobby home decor section on steroids. It felt cheap, inauthentic, and overpriced. I think I'd like to give it another chance before I write it off entirely (during the week when it's not teeming with shoppers), but as of now, I'm pretty meh about it.

We were all getting tired when we left to return home. Once we got back, Crosby went down for a late nap (and so did I!). I had stayed out late the night before watching the 2 Dope Queens special on HBO with a friend and I was sooo exhausted from staying up past my bedtime. Charlie puttered around the house and then when everyone was awake again I got started on a quick dinner from The Whole30 Fast & Easy Cookbook (I know I'm a broken record, but guys, I loooove this cookbook!).

After dinner, we put the boys down for bed. Chuck left to hangout with his brother and I drank some wine and caught up on my shows (anyone else as obsessed with The Good Place as I am?!).

I'm just smitten with our wonderful life right now, and wouldn't trade it for anything.

Brothers

Growing up, my sister and I were two peas in a pod. Perhaps, it was an indicator of Kelly's maturity (or my immaturity) that despite our 3.5 year age difference, we were besties from Day One.

When Chuck and I found out we were pregnant for the second time, and then learned Crosby's gender, it was my most heartfelt wish that my boys would know a bond like the one my sister and I shared. There is just nothing in the world like the love between siblings.

Crosby was born just 20 months after Charlie. With Charlie being so young when Cros arrived on the scene, there wasn't really any sweet, sentimental bonding moment. Charlie was too young to grasp what was going on, so for the first months of Crosby's life, the two of them just kind of coexisted.

Once Crosby hit a year old and became more mobile, the boys slowly started playing together. Though it was more just playing in the same room, not necessarily together. I hadn't really realized the bond that was beginning to form between them until our house got hit by the flu the week before Christmas. While Crosby slept his days away upstairs in his crib, Charlie laid on the couch by himself miserably watching movies and telling me how much he missed Crosby.

Last week, I scrambled to pack prior to visiting family in Upstate New York. I stripped all of our beds, and Charlie finally got to test out the new flannel sheets he received for Christmas. I had just finished making the bed when he asked if he could get under the covers. (Sigh.) Of course, I couldn't say no. So I let him crawl in and get nice and cozy when he asked if Crosby could lay in bed with him.

I had just gotten Crosby up from his nap and he was crawling around the house. I plucked him up, laid him on his big brother's pillow and proceeded to have my heart completely melted.

As the two of them begin to giggle uncontrollably at each other (over absolutely nothing), I sprinted to my bedroom to grab my new camera. I leapt up onto Charlie's bed and began firing away. I watched through my small lens, as these boys shared this beautiful, silly moment between siblings and prayed that I would get at least one photo that captured it.

When all was said and done, I flipped back through my pictures and it took everything in me not to sob. This completely spontaneous moment between my boys was everything my Mama heart could have hoped for when I found out I was about to become a boy Mama for the second time. It is so amazing to watch my boys begin to forge this relationship independently of their parents and become deeply in love with each other. They are each other's best friends and it is the greatest blessing of my life that I get to be the lucky one to witness it.

3 Ways I'm Avoiding Cabin Fever this Winter!

I don't know about all you other toddler parents, but Charlie has energy for daysssssss. I'm so thankful that I get to be home with my boys 3-4 days/week. Those days are not always easy though with my little Energizer bunny. Charlie is such a sweet, fun kid. But if he doesn't get out of the house he gets a little stir crazy. And by a little stir crazy, I mean just plain crazy.

He has so much energy to burn, and frankly, I hate the days when I just plant him in front of the TV all day. I know it's not good for him, and it makes me feel like a terrible parent.

We live in a really small town. The closest city to us is Dayton which is 40 minutes away. There aren't a lot of options for outdoor or physical activities for my kiddos in our little podunk town. Thankfully, we do have a couple resources at our disposal...

Here's how we're avoiding cabin fever this winter:

1. Our local library

Unfortunately, their baby and toddler story times usually fall right around when Crosby goes down for a nap. I rarely make it to story time, but our small little library is still such a fantastic option for us. There's usually at least one other kid around Charlie's age that he can interact with which is so good for him. Plus, I don't know what it is about milk cartons wrapped in contact paper, but Charlie loves their kids' toys!

2. Shopping! 

We go three places in town: Aldi, Kroger, and if I'm desperate, Walmart. Though not super exciting by any means, little trips here and there allow me to get some walking in, Charlie has a blast driving the little car on the front of our shopping cart, and the car ride makes them sleepy, just in time for naps!

3. Swimming lessons

We are so blessed to have Charlie and Crosby enrolled in swimming lessons at Goldfish Swim School- Dayton. The boys are doing so well and learning so much! (You can read about their very first lesson here). Recently, both of them started going underwater (can you believe that my 15 month old knows how to hold his breath under water?!). The best part about swimming lessons is that we can make it a fun outing for the whole family! Since Chuck works full-time, he misses out on a lot of fun time spent with the kids. The fact that all four of us get to do an activity together is so special.

And Chuck isn't the only one! When my mom was in town for Thanksgiving, I rescheduled our weekly lesson so she could swim with the boys. It was a fun bonding experience for Grandma since she doesn't get to see them on a regular basis.

If you're worried about cabin fever and thinking about enrolling your child in swim lessons, I can't recommend Goldfish enough. Everyone there is always so kind and helpful. They're in the business of catering to children which is so refreshing as a parent, because obviously not all businesses are kid-friendly. (Example: They could not have been more sweet and understanding when a hypothetical, un-potty trained toddler hypothetically peed on their bathroom floor while changing out of his swim diaper).

Right now, Goldfish is offering a holiday gift package. If you're stumped on what to get your friend or family member with little ones, get them the gift of water safety! The holiday package includes:

- 2 months of swim lessons
- A Goldfish blanket, ornament, winter hat, and canvas tote
- A packet of coupons to local businesses

For $175 ($250 value), Moms and Dads can have the peace of knowing their little one is safe in the water. Grandparents can have an awesome, unique activity to do with their grandbabies. Aunts and uncles can give an amazing gift to the family member that already owns a billion toys.

If you'd like to know more about Goldfish or infant swim lessons in general, please reach out to me. We have genuinely loved our experience at Goldfish and have nothing but wonderful things to say about them!

This post is brought to you by Goldfish Swim School.

CROSBY | 15 Months

My Crosby Loren is a toddler, folks. And damn, I just love this age. He's pretty much smiling 24/7, he's learning to communicate, and figuring out how things work. He's just an all-around blast and I adore watching the relationship between Charlie and him blossom. My sister is still my best friend in the world and it is my most heartfelt prayer that my boys will have that same close relationship.

CROSBY'S 15-MONTH UPDATE

WORKING MOTHERHOOD
I started writing about my current work/life balance and what I'm doing to supplement our family's income. It got so long that I decided it garnered its own post. In case you missed it, read about working motherhood and where I'm at now.

BREASTFEEDING
We are officially done!

I started by weaning him to just bedtime and first thing in the morning. Then after I'd been sick for awhile, I decided one night around the 14.5-month mark that I just didn't feel like it and it was time. That sounds selfish and horrible, but his sitter and Daddy had been putting him down for naps and bedtime without nursing, so I knew he'd be fine. I'm thankful not to have the pressure of nursing anymore and having some of my freedom back. A couple weekends ago, my friend held a weekend-long Harry Potter marathon and I was able to attend most of it flying solo while Daddy graciously watched our little monsters. It was soooo amazing and I felt completely rested and rejuvenated having some extended kid-free time.

As for Crosby...

LIFE
Life is just the best with this sweet little man. He and Charlie are now able to play together more and more which is so nice for my tired Mama self. He loves to drum (like his Daddy!) and is happy just to participate in whatever Charlie happens to be playing with. He's still a great eater. Eggs are pretty much the only thing he isn't crazy about. He loves people, but Mama is his favorite. He's started to get a little more clingy now that he knows when Mom is leaving him.

He becomes more and more like his Dad, both in looks and in personality, the older he gets and we're starting to see just what a smart cookie he is! He's very observant and just loves to be affectionate. He has the best temperament and everyone who's around him comments on how "chill" he is. He's just a happy little guy!

MILESTONES
He's chatting like crazy and has developed more of a vocabulary in the last 3 months. He now says "yeah," "uh oh" any time he drops something, "Mama," and just some general babbling. As of now he still isn't walking, but he's getting really close. He gets around well holding onto furniture and has successfully tried out his brother's hand-me-down walker! Truthfully, I'm in no hurry. I can barely keep up with these boys as it is!

He's gotten quite a few more teeth and his hair is finally coming in.

STATS
Crosby's 15-month doctor's appointment isn't until the end of month so that I could line it up with Charlie's 3-year appointment. Our bathroom scale says he weights 20 lbs. He's still wearing size 4 diapers and is in primarily 18-month clothing.

(What it's actually like photographing a 15-month old):

> > >

It's so exciting to watch his progress every day. I can't wait to hear this little one continue to develop his vocabulary. As for the walking, I can wait a little longer for that. I can't imagine what life will be like when I have TWO toddlers to run after in the parking lot! (See Crosby's Birth Story, 1 Month, and 12 Months posts).

Working Motherhood and Where I Am Now

When I started drafting Crosby's 15-month update, my commentary on working motherhood was so long that I felt like it needed its own dedicated post. In case you're unfamiliar with my family's current situation, here's the background:

For three years, I worked full-time for a nonprofit located an hour away. In that time, I got pregnant with Charlie, took a 12-week (unpaid) maternity leave and returned to work full-time when he was just shy of three months old. Fortunately, my sister-in-law who had just had a baby, as well, watched him during most of this time.

As a full-time working Mom, I spent 10 hours away from my baby five days per week (with my commute). I basically got him ready, dropped him off, raced to work, and then got home in the evening just in time to put him to bed. I pumped and struggled to keep up my supply for 11 months, until I got pregnant with my youngest, Crosby. It was emotionally taxing, but financially necessary.

When I left for maternity leave with Crosby, the intention was always to return to work after 12 weeks again. But around the eight-week mark, I realized I couldn't do it. (Read more about my decision to become a stay-at-home Mom here).

Shortly after becoming a stay-at-home Mom, we hit a major financial speed bump. For reasons I won't go into, income we were counting on suddenly wasn't there. I knew I had to figure out some way to supplement what Chuck was bringing in.

A friend asked if I would like to co-manage our local Farmers' Market for a small stipend. It wasn't going to help much financially, but it was an opportunity that was too perfect for me to turn down. I also returned to my former employer on a seasonal, part-time basis. I more actively sought out opportunities in which I could use my blog for some cash. Then, in June a friend reached out to tell me that a part-time marketing position had opened up in her two-person office. It was the perfect scenario.

Not only do I get to work in my own community, but I genuinely like the work that I'm doing. My friend's daughter was born on the same day as Crosby, so she clearly gets the working Mom thing and gives me so much grace when things come up with the boys. My schedule is flexible, I get to flex my writing muscle, and I get to work alongside a really good friend. I knew when I signed up that this job could be a really good opportunity for our family, but I didn't anticipate just how much I would grow to love it.

Which brings me to today.

My professional life looks nothing like I thought it would at this point in our lives. I had assumed when I resigned from my full-time job last November that it would be for a year or so. Mostly, I wanted to take the first year of Crosby's life to breastfeed, to get him sleeping through the night, and to just nurture him during the most vulnerable time in his life. I figured that once we hit the one-year mark, I'd return to full-time work.

As it happens, my current situation is kind of ideal for us right now. Recently, I was offered a second, part-time position. The job was perfect in so many ways, but in the end, I had to turn it down. After weighing the pros and cons, factoring in childcare expenses, gas and wear-and-tear on my vehicle, and taxes, I would be bringing in very little. Plus, I'd only have 2 days/week with my boys which is what I hated the most about working full-time.

Not to mention, despite the fact that Chuck and I swore up and down that we were done having kids, we've both come down with a minor case of baby fever. At this point, we honestly don't know whether we'll remain a family of four, or if maybe there's another Stuckert destined to join our little clan. And if that's the case, I don't know how much sense it makes to go back to a full-time position and be faced with the impossible decision of "do I or don't I go back to work after the baby's born?!".

Working part-time is just what works best for us right now. Maybe if we had family who was able to watch our boys during the week and relieve the burden of childcare costs, or maybe if I had a car with less mileage on it, or maybe if my Dad wasn't experiencing serious medical issues that necessitated me being available at a moment's notice, or maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe...

The "what if's" are endless. But right now, Chuck and I are just trying to do "the next right thing." And the right thing for us is me being home with these crazy kids of mine. 

The Things I Want to Remember v.2

Back in March, when Charlie was newly two and Crosby was six months, I wrote about a post about the things I wanted to remember about their current age. It's been awhile and these sweet boys of mine are no less delightful, so I decided it was time to do it again: to document this wonderful, hilarious and messy season of our lives.

These are the things I want to remember:

CHARLIE

I want to remember...how he loves to sing. Old MacDonald, 10 Little Monkeys, and Twinkle Little Star are his current favorites.

I want to remember...what a good helper he is. He's so eager to contribute when we ask him to throw something in the trash, or when we need to wipe up a mess.

I want to remember...how good he is with Crosby. There are times he does play too rough, but it's never ill-intentioned. He's just an Energizer bunny. When we ask him to be "gentle" or "careful" with Crosby he listens and (mostly) understands the importance of protecting his baby brother.

I want to remember...how friendly he is when we're out in public. He has to say "Hi!" to every single person we pass. One of his favorites, is his friend Jill. She works at our local Aldi and as soon as they see each other he exclaims, "Hi Jill!" Precious, simply precious.

I want to remember...how well-mannered he is. He gets away with a lot at our house, but when we're around other people, he actually minds us pretty well. He always says "please" and "no, thank you" when appropriate. It's so encouraging to see that some of our parenting is actually sticking.

I want to remember...how well-spoken he is. I mean, I know every Mom thinks their kid is a genius, but we've had multiple people tell us how well he communicates for his age. There are only a few words that trip him up, like "tonkaks" instead of "contacts" and "poo-taste" instead of "toothpaste." I rarely correct him because it's just so amusing.

CROSBY

I want to remember...the way he lights up when he grabs his mini-djembe and starts drumming, just like his Daddy.

I want to remember...the way he lights up when he hears music in general. I have high hopes for our littlest virtuoso.

I want to remember...his fits of giggles when you tickle or "nom nom" his naked tummy.

I want to remember...the way he rocks on my lap if we're sitting still in his rocking chair.

I want to remember...how he and Charlie have started to play together. How resilient he is when Charlie plays just a little too rough. How much he just loves to observe his crazy big brother in action.

I want to remember...how he leans his head into me when he's tired or when I ask for a "hug." Or how he knows to "lay back" when I need to change his diaper.

I want to remember...the hilarious way he furrows his brow and gives people the stinkeye when he's not sure what's going on.

What things do you want to remember about your children's (or niece/nephews) current age?