Monday, March 6, 2017

We're Done Having Kids


A few weeks ago, I had a scare. You know, that kind of scare. I was playing around with Charlie in the living room. I had my Spotify dance playlist blasting throughout the house as I did my weekly cleaning spree. I picked him up as we danced, and twirled him around until both of us were wobbly and dizzy. He shook his dizzy spell off, but mine never quite faded away. For the next three days, I felt as though I was completely and utterly morning sick. I was terrified.


I confessed to Chuck that I knew this feeling. This dull, insatiable, inexplicable nausea had to mean I was knocked up. Despite the militant-level of discipline I practiced in taking my birth control pill. Despite the fact that I still wasn't out of my postpartum sex funk. Despite the fact that I was breastfeeding non-stop and my cycle hadn't yet returned. Despite all of these things, I was convinced the worst had happened.

He stopped by our local pharmacy and picked me up a test on his way home from work one evening. I took one, and then later that night, I took the other. Both read NEGATIVE.

And though I hated to admit it, I could not have felt more relieved. My weird dizzy spell came to an end the next day. But the damage was done- Chuck and I were one hundred percent convicted that we did not want another baby. I didn't want to be pregnant and go through labor again. He didn't want me to be pregnant and have to sit by helplessly while I suffered through Round 3. But most of all, neither of us wanted to add another member to our family. I love the children we have. But they're exhausting.

Charlie is the Energizer bunny from the time he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. He is sweet, funny, and adorable- but he's a handful. Crosby, on the other hand, is my snuggler. He's pretty easy during the day, so long as he receives his requisite amount of daily cuddles. At nighttime, however, he has not figured out the sleep thing and I am up every three hours on the dot...lately every two hours as he goes through his 6-month sleep regression. I have never experienced the level of exhaustion I'm experiencing these days with these two ginger babies.

I have no desire to become that frantic and frazzled mom of three who is losing her shit in the grocery store. I'm pretty frantic and frazzled as it is. I love our family dynamic and I don't really want to be outnumbered. I like that we're an even number. I like that our house is the perfect size for our boys to eventually have their own rooms if they'd like. I like that they will grow up as best friends, with no one feeling left out. I like that two is still financially manageable enough to do vacations and fun activities without breaking the bank.

Before those pregnancy tests, my mind remained un-made up about whether we'd eventually have more children. But now? I'm pretty certain this is it for us. We're done having kids, because our family of four is perfect just the way it is.

Of course now having written this, I have sealed our fate as a larger family ;)

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