The other night I had a dream that scared the bejeezus out of me. It was like an episode of ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ where I realized at 20 weeks that I was with child. I was terrified.
Chuck and I were in Pittsburgh with no family or friends nearby. We could barely make ends meet with just two mouths to feed. I didn't have enough annual or sick leave accumulated at work to even have more than a day of maternity leave. We just plain couldn't afford to make a baby.
When I woke up, I realized that it wasn't a dream. This is our reality. We cannot afford to have a baby.
Reason #1 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?
Memorial Day weekend we spent a few days with Chuck's family in Ohio. And I got to spend some time bonding with my brand new nephew. Let me tell you something: I was the most awkward person you've ever seen hold a baby. I do have a nurturing side, but I am the most non-maternal person there is. I couldn't burp him right, felt like I couldn't feed him right and was just altogether scared shitless at the possibility of breaking him.
I have no idea what to even do with a baby.
Reason #2 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?
Not only did that Memorial Day weekend scare me, but it really allowed me to witness the reality of having a newborn who consumes all of your time. I love being lazy on the weekends. I love being able to watch bad reality TV, make spontaneous plans and hunker down for a few hours to read a good book. A baby changes everything, and I'm not sure I'm ready to give that up just yet.
Reason #3 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?
Hubby and I have begun making plans for our one-year anniversary trip. Given our financial constraints, it will by no means be an extravagant trip, but I'm super excited by the prospect of having four days of just Chuck-and-Kaity. During the work week, I get to see my husband when we wake up and when we go to sleep. I haven't even known him for three years yet. Quite simply, I want more time with him.
Reason #4 Why we won't be making babies anytime soon?
I'm not ready to share.
I pray that one day I'll be as good a mother as I know Chuck is destined to be a father. But until then I'm content to just keep him to myself, to travel, and to enjoy my youth. We only get these years once and I want to take full advantage of them!