I really couldn't think of a better way to title this post, so I thought I'd stick with the truth. My current state of mind?
It's been awhile since anything has drastically changed in my life, which I think for most people, would be a most welcome feeling. For me, I've got ants in my pants. Complacency makes me uneasy. I feel like I need to move, need to find a new job, need to make a trip abroad. None of these things are remotely possible...or sensical...at the moment, so my geographic claustrophobia has me jumping out of my skin.
. . .
I think I've also gotten to that nasty "anger" part of the grief process. You may remember the fact that I lost a good friend last month to a war I don't believe in. For lack of a better term, I feel like the whole ordeal completely mind-fucked me. Yes, I used the "F" word, but it needed to be said.
I don't agree with our reasons for being in Afghanistan. But I don't want to believe that my Frankie G died in vain. He died fighting for what he believed in. He died with honor. So how do you reconcile that?
I'm angry with Frankie, himself. Angry that he was so quick to discard me. Angry that he left before we had a chance to reconnect. Angry that all I can think about is me, me, ME when his family is still reeling over his death.
. . .
I feel angst in my marriage. In the sense that things can't be this perfect. Something has to go wrong. And when things go wrong, I will be the one to blame.
. . .
And yet despite of all this angst, I'm happy (and clearly bi-polar).
I'm not unhappy with my job. Not unhappy with where we're living. And most certainly not unhappy with the best husband a girl could ask for.
Things are just as they're supposed to be. And for whatever reason, it's freaking me out!