Written May 1, 2014
Baby Pep (your new nickname derived from "Baby Peppercorn"),
Oh, baby Pep. I so badly want to be excited for you. I see videos and pictures of Mamas and their babies and I wish I had that same love. That same joy. That same connection. I know it's still early, but I fear that I'll never feel that way. I'm not maternal! And that bothers me. I want to be natural with children, but I'm not.
As I mentioned before, you were a surprise to your Daddy and I. If we had it our way, we probably would have waited a couple more years to bring you into the world. When we felt like we could better provide for your material needs. When we felt more mature, well-traveled and ready for the next phase in our lives.
I'm so scared, Baby Pep. I don't feel ready for you. There is one thing that keeps coming up in the back of my mind when my fear threatens to overtake me. Several months ago, I was talking to your Grandma as she recalled giving birth to me. She said she was so scared after my delivery that when the nurses asked if she wanted to hold me, she repeatedly told them 'no.' Eventually, they forced me upon her and as she sat there cradling my tiny little body, she thought, "Well, this isn't so bad."
You may not know this about your Grandma, but she's about as comfortable around other peoples' kids as your dear Mama is. So this story brings me immense comfort.
I've been thinking, too about who I want you to be. And who your Daddy and I will be as parents. I know you're not supposed to have a preference, and just wish for a healthy baby, but I'm really hoping you're a girl. For a lot of reasons, 1. Because your Grandma gave me four huge storage containers of outfits and things from when your Mommy was just a baby, 2. Because I just feel more comfortable with the idea of being a girl parent, 3. Because the girl name I have wanted forever means the world to me and 4. Because your Daddy would be the world's best girl Daddy.
I think about how I lacked a strong father figure and how much it impacted me. As much as I'm all for feminism and gender equality, I think Daddies teach their baby girls how to love and be loved. They teach them that they are special, worthy and deserving of a man who treats them with respect. While I admit, I'm biased- Your Daddy is the world's best husband. He treats me like a queen and I can't wait for you to learn through his example. I know if you turn out to be a little girl, he'll be wrapped around your tiny little finger.
Well, I guess I should wrap this up. Just know that I am going to be the best darn Mama I can be for you, little one.