Written May 6, 2014.
I owe you an apology. I've been so distracted by my physical symptoms and by the pragmatic realities of what you are going to mean for our family, that I've refused to acknowledge you as a person. As a little being growing inside of me. I watched a movie a couple night's ago called What to Expect When You're Expecting. It's a movie I really enjoy and have seen countless times previously. This time, it was the first time I've watched it since you were a reality in my life. And I cried. Throughout the entire movie. I cried especially, as Elizabeth Banks' character broke down and talked about the difficulties associated with making a human. I'm only 7 weeks in, and I have to say, I'm not particularly enjoying this process. I don't blame you. I know that this is just what happens. But honestly, I feel like I a hostage.
I am a hostage to my fears, to my physiological changes and a hostage to my emotions. I've always been a sensitive person, but I cannot seem to tone down the waterworks. I don't feel normal. I am sick, tired, and ready to weep at the drop of a hat. I am not one of those ladies with the magic pregnancy glow. In truth, I'm kind of miserable.
So I want to apologize, Baby Pep. One of these days, maybe once my belly starts to grow, it's all going to click. I'm going to realize that you are a person. You are a result of your Daddy and my crazy, over-the-moon love for each other, and when it clicks, I will rejoice. You are going to change our lives. You didn't come when we expected you to, but one of these days, it will click. And your Daddy and I are going to be so blessed by your presence in our life.
I'm not quite there, baby. But I will be.