4.17.2017

It's Time I Tell You About my Church


There was a time when this blog was incredibly faith-centric. I pondered "who is God?" and published my prayer for 'labor day'. For the last two years, there has been radio silence on the whole religious front. There was not one, big catastrophic event that led to my "break up" with the Church. Nor do I harbor ill feelings toward Christianity. I wanted to disassociate myself from Christians who I felt were perverting the message of Jesus. I read books and articles about science and climate change and wondered whether a higher power really does exist. I stepped away from the Bible because I don't like much of what it says and I'm too lazy to grapple with the many contradictions.

So, over time I just kind of took a step away from Christianity. I haven't found answers to any of my questions or doubts and there is a large part of me that I would describe as agnostic, but in the last few months, I have found a church family and I love it.



If that is confusing, just imagine what it's like to be in my head! Here's the thing- I like Jesus. I like Jesus a lot. I love that he called out the arrogant and raised up the meek and downtrodden. I love that he cherished children and their innocence and unsullied wisdom. I love that his entire life was a demonstration in sacrificial and unconditional love. He is a man I want to model in my own life and someone I want my boys to grow up with as an example.

Before we started attending regularly in November, I had been to my church once or twice for Christmas Eve services. However, there were a series of events that led me to give Chuck a harder nudge (he's more devout than I am, but just hates the socially awkward weirdness of Church) to attend. In September, Crosby was born. My Pastor (who I didn't know well at the time) had two pizzas delivered to our door the week we came home from the hospital. We had family members who live in the same town and did not once attempt to meet Crosby or stop by to see how we were adjusting. So the fact that this woman whom I barely knew went out of her way to make such a thoughtful gesture spoke volumes.

Not long after, the 2016 election happened. I felt like I was swimming in a sea of hatred, cruelty, and vitriol. It was becoming overwhelming and I despaired at the thought of raising my boys in such a hurt and hate-filled world. It became clear to me that I needed to be intentional about ensuring that they were surrounded by a community that modeled those same things that Jesus did- love, peace, compassion, humility, and kindness. I looked around to the people in our life who I felt were perfect examples and I was pleasantly surprised to find that they all had one thing in common- they were Quakers.



I wasn't very familiar with the Quaker tradition until I began attending our Friends Meeting. Perhaps the greatest source of my uncomfortability was with "waiting worship," in which Friends sit in silence until the Spirit leads someone to speak, It's weird to sit silently in Church for half an hour if you've only experienced very programmatic worship. But as I've grown more accustomed, I've also grown to love it. I remember reading in Eat Pray Love, that Liz Gilbert equated prayer with talking to God and meditation with listening to God. That really resonated with me the first time I read her book and I love that I've found a faith tradition that similarly values the beauty in waiting and listening for God's voice.

While Quaker theology can differ greatly from meeting to meeting, some of the things I love most about our church are their commitment to nonviolence, simple living, and their belief in the inherent equality and dignity of all human beings. Our meeting is not big, nor contemporary. But its members have been more kind and welcoming than we could have ever hoped for (which is especially meaningful when you feel entirely self-conscious about the two year-old who refuses to sit still in the back pew).

I still don't know what or even if I believe. But I'm happy to have found a spiritual landing place where I feel safe to explore the answers to all the questions in my mind. More than anything though, I'm happy to have found a church family for my boys to call their own. The fact that Charlie and Crosby will grow up surrounded by a group of peace-seeking, equality-promoting, simple-living Friends is almost too much for my Mama Bear heart to bear.

8 comments:

  1. Back when you were talking about church more often were you of the Quaker faith? Or is this a new denomination for you?
    I think this is fascinating. I JUST read a book about Quakers (in Ohio) and their role in slavery/The Underground Railroad. It was historical fiction, but it definitely peaked my interest in Quakers and their beliefs.

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    1. No, the Quaker faith is pretty much entirely new to me. The town where I live (in Ohio) has a Quaker-affiliated college so it's kind of a hotbed of (F)riends. Haha

      May I ask what book you read? I read The Invention of Wings last year which was fiction based on the true story of Sarah Grimke who was a Quaker abolitionist in the South. Super interesting!

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  2. On a superficial note, I love the new look of your blog. Anyway, I grapple with the same issues regarding church. I want my daughter to have some spiritual underpinning but not necessarily the one I was raised with (Church of Christ in the deep south). Once I became an adult, that level of dogma made me RUN from any church affiliation. I now attend a Universalist Unitarian church when I do attend because it has a little bit of something for everyone and the people are SO welcoming. They do a lot in our community regarding awareness of ecological issues and they serve a lot of marginalized groups with various outreach programs. I'm kind of an agnostic hippie so it suits my family. It sounds like you have found a wonderful church family. Please write about it more often!

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    1. Thank you! I do, too! There are still a few quirks to work out, but it's pretty much perfect <3

      I don't know much about the Universalist Unitarian tradition, but I do know that they're probably the most inclusive denomination which I obviously appreciate. I'm so glad to hear you've found a community that fits :)

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  3. Thanks for sharing :) I have way more thoughts about this, but I will keep it to two things here (because, hi, don't want to be a crazy person!): 1. I hope you know that God is not confused or angered or insulted by your questions and doubts, and you can feel free to talk to him about those things. Even the disciples questioned and doubted, and we are going to as well. I have questions and doubts myself and it's hard to know what to do with them, but we can't learn more about God if we don't talk to God and read his word. If God were small enough to understand by our simple human minds, he can't be big enough to be worshiped. 2. The Bible does seem to be full of contradictions, but the more I study and read it, the more I see that it is actually very constant, and when read withing context (and not just taking bits and pieces here and there like so many do but really considering the writer and audience it was written for depending on book of the bible, etc.) it does not contradict itself.

    Blog design looks great, btw! Super colorful and fun!

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    1. Thanks for the encouragement <3 I was really hesitant to share because I didn't want my weirdo brand of Christinity to be offensive to someone who is a "real" believer. The funny thing is, even in this strange season of absent faith, I do still pray on occassion. Not because I even feel like I'm connecting with God, but because I feel like there's something to be said for putting positive vibes into the universe when someone you know or love is struggling. I also find comfort in prayer because it feels like something I can tangibly do to help when I otherwise might be completely useless to someone in need.

      I know that you're totally right about spending time with the Word if I ever hope to make some kind of sense of it, and I was really encouraged to read that you think the Bible needs to be taken in context because I feel the same way. My Pastor sent me a list of Bible studies that she recommends. I need to bite the bullet and dive in, already.

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  4. Kaity, I can totally relate to your feelings about church. I've felt the same way and it has kept me from finding a new church to join in our new community. While I don't think there are Quakers around here, there are plenty of choices. But I'm dragging my feet due to past experiences. I do a lot of bible study on my own in the mornings - it's my special time with God. My daughter will be attending the Lutheran school in the fall and I'm considering joining that one. But we will see.

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  5. The deepest gym activity of faith is doubt- breaking it down and allowing whatever it is you believe in (or arent sure you believe in) to become more alive. (Jesus never busted Thomas' balls for being a doubter. In fact, he answered...) I am glad you guys found a space to be.

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