Let's Talk about Sex

It has come to my attention as of late that there are people in Chuck and my life who hold the belief that because we are not yet married and living under the same roof, that we are "living in sin". I can't judge them or look down upon them, because honestly, before I met Chuck, I held the same belief. But when Chuck came into my life, a lot of things changed...

It's my impression that the reason for this belief is an understanding that those who live together and haven't yet been married are engaging in pre-marital sex. And although it is nobody's business but my own, I admit that Chuck and I have engaged in activities usually left to married couples. I am not apologetic

Before meeting Chuck, I was completely mistrusting of men. I'd been misused and abused by men I called "father," "friend" and "boyfriend." 50% of the reason behind my abstention from sex was because of moral values and 50% was because of fear and mistrust. I never saw myself making love or getting married because I never believed I would find a man who was trustworthy, selfless and kind. A man who wouldn't wind up hurting me. The night Chuck and I first met, before the attraction even set in, it took me all of 30 seconds to realize that Chuck was that kind of man. 

And so, eventually, we did it. Although I did not wait to have sex until marriage, I waited to find my husband. When I confided in one of my best friends that Chuck had stolen my V-card, her Christian faith did not leave her to judge or chastise me, rather, she congratulated me. She knew of my fears and trust issues, and believed that the fact that I was able to give myself to Chuck was a testament to the level of faith I had in him, and a milestone for me, that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with the man who would wind up being my husband.

I recently renewed my Netflix subscription and have been re-watching all of my favorite episodes from Glee. The episode "Sexy" is perhaps one of my favorites because of the sex talk Kurt and his father share. It goes a little something like this:

Burt Hummel: Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know this thing we always want to do. Ya know, its fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or ya know, how the other person feels about it.
Kurt Hummel: Women are different?
Burt Hummel: Only because they get that its about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up. 
Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.
Burt Hummel: No, it's gonna be worse. Because its two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. Its gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just...you gotta know that it means something. You know, its doing something...to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though it feels like...you're just having fun.
Kurt Hummel: So you're say I shouldn't have sex?
Burt Hummel: I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself...Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to ...do everything. But when you're ready I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.

This scene made me question what I'll say to my kids when it's time for "the talk." Will I preach abstinence-only? Will I tell them to wait for "The One"? Will I tell them my own story and pray that they'll wait until they're ready? I don't know yet. But I do hope that I'm able to reflect the same love, grace and compassion that Burt Hummel conveyed to his gay son. 

I do know that for me, sex was a way to emotionally, physically and spiritually connect to the man that I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with. It was a way to be vulnerable and trust that I was giving everything I had to this man and he would give me his everything in return. I did not wait until my honeymoon, but I waited until I knew with no uncertainty that I had fallen in love and found my soulmate.


  1. This is a really great post. While I love Glee, I almost never watch it - or any TV for that matter (which makes me happy and sad at the same time). I hadn't seen that scene, but I do love Kurt's dad. I think that's a great sex talk.

    And I think this is a very brave post. I was all "abstinance until marriage" until I swore off marriage... I, also, am not ashamed.

    We've already had to broach the topic with Punky because she asked. I got her an excellent book that completely fulfills her curiosity without being titillating and without going too far - in my opinion. I did a post about it on the Reading blog (http://reading-cheapwineandcookies.blogspot.com).

    When it comes to the emotional part, though, I'm going to be so out of my league.

  2. This is a very good post!

  3. You saved yourself for your husband, that's something to be proud of. God knows the commitment in both of your hearts.

  4. I love this post!
    My husband and I didn't wait till we were married, either, and I don't think that's a bad thing. I think once you and your soul mate have found each other, in a very real way you ARE married already!

  5. Thumbs up to you for writing this post! I feel the same way with J and I. We get judged a lot because we live together and have lived together for 3 years. The way we see it, is that we needed to figure out if this relationship was really going somewhere or not.