Gamophobia- Fear of Marriage

I'll be honest- I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love a person. He's every romantic cliche ever used: my best friend, my soul mate, the person who loves me for exactly who I am (weirdly enough). I can't wait to travel with him, make babies with him and spend our lives together. There is no one else in the world I'd choose to spend my days with (not even Michael Jordan!). 

And yet, the thought of our marriage scares the bejeezus out of me! 

I have always been rather conservative when it comes to romance and relationships. I had my first kiss at 18. My first boyfriend at 20. I lost my virginity at 22...to none other than my fiance. I was never the girl that wanted or needed a boyfriend. I was either going to date someone I could envision a future with, or be single. In fact, I was so steadfast in these beliefs that I had planned my whole life without a leading man. Then Chuck came along and kind of messed up my plans.

Our first date together the topic of marriage came up. Not in a "we've known each other for 5 minutes and it was love at first sight" kind of way. But in a way that we both knew what each other's bottom lines were and if we decided to pursue a relationship it was because this is a person we could see devoting our lives to.

Obviously, we took dating seriously. And we both take marriage seriously. Divorce is not an option. I don't even like couples who joke about divorce because it puts the possibility out there. So as much as I love Chuck and can't wait to produce big-headed ginger babies with him, I'm fearful. I trust in my fiance's ability to be an amazing husband and father. What I doubt, is my own ability to stick it out when the going gets tough.

Having experienced life in an abusive household, my "fight" response is non-existent. My "flight" response, on the other hand, has served me well. My immediate response should any problem arise is to hide or run away from it. There is no conflict, no confrontation, I just ignore it until it goes away. The fact that I'm going to be legally bound to someone for the rest of my life, clearly doesn't fit in with my conflict resolution skills. This scares me.

So as the wedding details come together, and Chuck and I continue to grow in our love for each other, it's my honest and heartfelt prayer that God might teach me what it means to be a wife. What it means to have a marriage. What it means to stay beside someone through good times and bad. I know it will not be easy. There will be hard times, there will be tears. But by saying "I do," I will be telling my husband that despite my fears, despite my shortcomings, you are the person I want to travel through this beautiful, unpredictable and blessed life with.


  1. Someone much older and wiser once told me that divorce cannot be an option in a marriage, because if it is it will happen. You're all ready a step ahead of most people when they get married because you've made it clear to yourself and Chuck that divorce is absolutely not an option! You'll be a great wife! <3

  2. All your fears are actually pretty normal. And if they aren't, then you're definetly not alone! I was so scared of marriage. I knew how hard it would be to give up my selfishness & to this day, a year into it, I still struggle with loving my husband with my actions. But it does get easier, and you'll do great:)