the job-hunting blues.

Two months. 10 weeks. 72 days. That’s how long I have before I am officially no longer an AmeriCorps VISTA. While I have enjoyed the experience my VISTA term has provided me, I’ve found myself pretty much in the same position I was, one year ago exactly- scrambling to figure out who in this crazy world would ever hire me. I received my rejection letter regarding my grad school application last week, as well as one from a summer job I had made it through two rounds of interviews with and my additional job hunting efforts appear to be fruitless.

Being the control freak that I am, of course, this current climate has found me feeling a lot of pressure. Pressure to find a stable paying job to be able to cover my impending student loan payments. Pressure to dedicate my life to something significant and world-changing. Pressure not to fail. In the midst of the job-hunting chaos, I took a step back and I realized some things.

First, the only person putting pressure on me, is me. My family is not only aware of how sucky the current economic climate is, but they’re incredibly supportive and whole-heartedly believe in my ability to succeed, regardless of the position I find myself in. Not only that, but if I look around at my friends and peers and examine where they find themselves on their career paths, I am by no means a failure. I am experiencing the same woes, disappointments and frustrations as virtually every other post-grad I know.

Second, I continue to catch myself failing to realign my thinking concerning what it means to live a life of significance. I am passionate about ending world hunger. I am passionate about revolutionizing the global food system, to allow for more equal access to nutritious food across the board. I am passionate about sustainable living. These are all things that I will continue to work toward for the rest of my life, but do I honestly expect to single-handedly lead the revolution toward a more proportionate and just global food system? Which is more significant- making it to the top of a corporate hierarchy or to live simply and gracefully, all the while reflecting the love of Jesus?

It is dismaying that this is something I must continually remind myself of. I can choose to ascribe to the world’s definition of success, or I can live in the Light and live successfully as a servant of Christ. While the job-hunting blues may get me down, I’m going to choose the latter of the two.

how to be?

I have a problem. I can’t sit still. No, really. It’s a problem.

I like to think of myself has a highly-driven and ambitious character; constantly working to create a legacy at my current post, regularly researching new articles and findings in food policy and international affairs and seeking out every school, volunteer and job opportunity to advance my career. Thus far, I think this self-motivation has served me well and will continue to do so.

However, I also believe that the constant push to “go” is becoming increasingly problematic for me. I’ve mentioned to a few friends and acquaintances that in the past few months, maybe even years I’ve become increasingly frustrated with Christianity and the Church as a whole and it has ultimately wreaked havoc on my relationship with Jesus. I love Jesus, really, I do. But if being a follower means I’m supposed to disregard the damage we’re continually causing in our environment, to tell my gay friends that who they are is sinful and wrong and ask God to bless my country and mine alone, this is not someone worth following at all.

Thankfully, I’ve only recently come to my senses and asked myself the question: would Jesus do any of the above? I came to the conclusion that, no, He probably wouldn’t. And bringing into question my own flawed character, how can I expect other people to perfectly exemplify the model Christ set out for us. We’re all broken and we’re all going to misinterpret God’s Word simply because it is so beyond our comprehension. But this is a piss-poor excuse to abandon my Savior.

Okay, so back to my point. It’s all well and good that I’m on the path to trying to figure out how to be a “believer” again, but what happens when I sit down to pray and all I can think about is my plans for the weekend? Or when I try to read some of Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne or Ron Sider’s advice for lost and confused souls such as myself and I’m transfixed by the incoming message alert on my cell phone? How can I expect to be present with God when I can’t even be?

I have yet to figure out how to be, but I like to think that acknowledging the fact that it may be time for me to slow down a little bit might be helpful. If anyone has any advice or suggestions I’d be more than appreciative. In the mean time, keep me in your prayers as I try to learn how to “silence my heart and prepare for worship.”

the power of positive thinking :)

About two weeks ago I sat on the couch on what I recall as a Sunday evening talking to my baby sister about absolutely nothing. As the conversation came to a momentary pause she decided to tell me, "So Mommy and I were talking about you the other day." At which point I sarcastically queried, "Okay. Was that the end of the story?" She preceded to tell me that both she and my mother had took note of the fact that I was becoming what could only be described as a "Negative Nelly" or "Debbie Downer." I was horrified as she continued on- not in a vindictive way, but in the honest and concerned way that only someone who has known me for the last 19 years of my life can do. I automatically became really upset, because I realized that what she was saying was absolutely true.

As we hung up the phone several minutes later, I remained on my couch and just wept. How did I let myself become such a miserable, unhappy person? How did I let it get to the point where I was actually affecting the lives of the people whom I love the most? And more importantly, how did it happen without me noticing? I started pondering the things that were making me so unhappy in my life, but realized soon after that my problem was not the fact that I needed to address the negative aspects of my life (I was doing enough of that already), but for whatever reason I had become completely oblivious to all the amazing, wonderful, positive gifts I was receiving.

I began telling my ex-boyfriend and currently one of my closest friends (and an example of one of the many blessings in my life) where I was at, and he shared that he was having similar troubles. I figured he was a good person to utilize in my goal of living more positively so I concocted a plan to make him my accountability partner and each day to share all the amazing things that were happening to me on a daily basis, that I had altogether been disregarding for the past few months. It was honestly, perhaps, one of the smartest things I've ever done. We've been going strong so far and not only is it an absolute pleasure to share the source of my happiness, but to rejoice in his as well.

Two weeks later and I'm high on life. I've begun meeting some fantastic people in Wilmington, and getting closer to existing friends. I'm determined to make the most of the next 6 months at my job and I'm plain and simple, an incredibly happy person. Perhaps the biggest reward has been the fact that my hyper-awareness of the blessings happening all around me has led me closer to God. I've been completely neglecting my spiritual relationship because of a petulant frustration with Christians as a whole. Last night was the first night I've prayed in a much longer time than I'd like to admit and I even began re-reading Blue Like Jazz to gain some more insight into my own faith. It would be an absolute understatement to say that I am incredibly blessed and happier than I've been in a very long time; and all because I decided to believe in the power of positive thinking :)

Choosing to Love

Last night I helped my co-worker organize the annual Oxfam Hunger Banquet for students here on campus. What I was expecting to be an engaging and humbling experience left me angry and disgusted as I sat and watched the bored and apathetic students counting down the minutes until they could be dismissed and grab something deep-fried and artery-clogging as soon as they left the premises. (Disclaimer: As I'm fairly worked up about the situation, expect me to speak in extremes from here on out, but know that there were a small handful of students who did engage).

The premise of a Hunger Banquet is to gather participants for a meal together, simulating real world conditions. At one table, a small handful of people dine on a nutritious meal complete with a tablecloth, silverware and fine china. These people represent the 15% of the world's population who earn more than $9400 a year. A few tables over are a larger group who represent the 30% of the global population who may have a steady job, but no savings or anything to fall back on in case of an emergency such as a natural disaster, war or a family death/illness. These people had a cup of water and a plate full of rice and beans. The remaining participants are seated on the floor where they're given a bucket of drinking water and a large bowl of rice. These people sans bowls, plates and utensils represent the remaining 55% of the world's population- most of whom live on less than a dollar a day and frankly, don't know where their next meal is coming from.

As the evening progressed, the high class and middle class tables dined on their meals and I watched as the lower class stared at the bowl of rice placed in front of them. As the meal drew to a close and the supplementary Oxfam educational video was turned off, we opened up a discussion, hoping to allow the students an opportunity to reflect on what they had just experienced. What we got rather, were the blank aforementioned stares. At one point I was frustrated as the discussion had come to a standstill and I asked the lower class group why their meal remain untouched. I got an assortment of replies, most of which informed me that they didn't want to use their hands for reasons of sanitation. As which point I asked them, but what if you didn't know you had access to food once you left this room? They continued their same path of logic, one student was so bold as to say he would wait up to three days for food if it meant he didn't have to use his hands.

The conversation slowly dragged on as students waited for their que to leave. I was so disheartened by their collective response, that I was incredibly grateful when my supervisor, who is a full-time missionary, shared with the group a story from her year spent in Kyrgyzstan. Her time spent in Central Asia deeply resonated with me as I reflected on my own experiences in Uganda.

Once the group was dismissed, my co-worker and I tore down posters and packed up literature and left. On my way out I was greeted by a familiar face- a girl I had worked with in the summer- who was begging to pawn off cookies left over from a Bake Sale fundraiser. I made a very small contribution to her table and received three platefuls of cookies in return. I got into my car, heading home and I emotionally broke down. I hysterically sobbed as I recalled the bowls of uneaten rice, sure to be thrown away and glanced at the plates of unnecessary calories sitting on my passenger seat. I needed to talk with someone who understood the pain I was going through. I didn't know why I reacted as strongly as I did, but I knew how terribly unfair it was that while raising awareness for families all over the world who would have given anything for that bowl of rice I was greeted by a night full of wastefulness, arrogance and apathy. I remembered sitting in the dining hall at UCU and watching as three small children rifled through the garbage, picking out uneaten rice and putting it in dirty plastic bags to take home with them- the pain was enormous.

I texted my supervisor and asked if I could pay her a visit at her home. The time spent with her was a tremendous relief- it just felt good to be in the company of someone who had witnessed that sort of poverty firsthand and could uplift and encourage me. When I went to bed that night, I was full of hatred and disgust. When I woke up this morning, I had a fresh outlook and came to the stark realization that while I was so quick to judge the ignorance at the banquet the night before- what was I doing to combat poverty?? Now, I realize that serving with AmeriCorps does qualify, but too often I feel I use that as my "Get out of Service Free" card. So with this newfound insight and motivation, I developed a plan to start changing my lifestyle and quit living like a stereotypical American, but living like a thoughtful member of this global community, who just so happens to currently reside in the States.

Allow me to share my newfound goals:
1) I have been given the tremendous blessing of...Food Stamps. This means that every month, because of my lack of income, my government provides me with $176 to use toward the purchase of food so that I don't ever go hungry. Knowing that I have a guaranteed food allowance every month is a tremendous priviledge and so I've made the decision that at the end of every month, whatever is currently residing in my pantry (disregarding spices and baking materials) and has been left unopened will be donated to the local ministry which distributes groceries weekly to about 150 families.
2) All this coincides with the news that as of April, I am obligated to being paying back my private student loans at a rate of $540/month. Considering I live on no income, this thought absolutely terrifies me, so I've contemplated selling my assets. Well...pretty much the one asset I have- my laptop. Currently my PC serves merely as a radio when I'm in the shower or doing dishes. All of my internet surfing, job hunting and research is done on my work computer anyhow and the worth of that computer could be the equivalent of one month's student loan payment.
3) I have also been blessed with a great apartment that coincidentally is located within a 15 minute walking distance of my office. During the summer, I paid daily visits to program participants, but now that the growing season has been over for quite some time- why am I still driving to work? So this morning, I made the conscious desicion to leave my van curbside, don my Chucks and an umbrella and walk myself to work. The result was a refreshing and wonderful wake-up call and the feeling that not only was I taking part in reducing the amount of pollutants released into my environment, but I was saving money on gas that could be used elsewhere in my strict budget.
4) Today, I also made a conscious decision to fast. As a Christian, I've been taught by numerous religious leaders that fasting is a spiritual discipline in order to demonstrate faith and trust in the Lord. While that is all well and good, I'm choosing to fast beginning today on a once a week basis to be in solidarity with my global neighbors who are going days at a time without a meal, as well as saving money as I mentioned before.

This is my four-fold plan to do my part in alleviating hunger and to live more simply and sustainably. I would encourage you to ask yourselves- given my enormous position of power as a wealthy American citizen (and believe me, you ARE wealthy), what am I doing to confront hunger and poverty in this world? It's time to love as we're called to love- let's not sit on our lazy, priviledged asses while commenting on the heartbreak of a malnourished child. Let's put our priviledged asses to work in combatting the enormous disparity in global food distribution! We enter this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing- it's up to each of us individually to decide what we want to do in between- let's choose to love.

*Hope is Not the Belief that Tomorrow Will Be Better...

I'm entirely clueless about the direction this blog is about to take, however, I'm feeling especially inspired and I can't allow these few-and-far-between instances slip away without some sort of commentary. My story starts last night at Wilmington College's 'Goodies for Goblins'. As the little kiddies stumbled into the cafeteria in their array of ladybug, superhero and fairy disguises, I was donning one of my own. Yes, I was Kaity the Carrot (complete with orange felt carrot suit and a green leaf trucker hat to complete the ensemble, no less) contemplating how on earth I got to this point in taking a position with my AmeriCorps service site.

At the conclusion of my undergraduate career, I contemplated a number of AmeriCorps positions (after having given up the job search after 50+ rejections) and ultimately decided to give Wilmington, Ohio a shot. The program was called Grow Food Grow Hope and my future-supervisors sold me on the idea of working on a community-level to promote sustainable agriculture and access to nutritious food in a town where poverty was rampant. Being an advocate of a complete renovation of our country's food system as well as an idealist in the hope of one day having some kind of positive effect on the issues of global food insecurity, this seemed the perfect stepping stone on my way to single-handedly tackling world hunger (Did I mention I'm an idealist?)

Four months later, the growing season has come to a close and my days are subsequently longer and less activity-filled. The disillusionment has also started to set in and there's an evil little voice in the back of my mind uttering "Are you really doing anything at all to combat poverty and hunger?", "Will this program even still exist a couple years from now?" and "Is anyone truly gaining anything out of my work?" Enter Michael Snarr: Professor of Social and Political Studies at Wilmington College While we had never been formally introduced prior to last night, we were both on each other's radars. Me, because I was a political science major at Eastern and he, because well, he was the professor of social and political studies! He approached me (while in my Carrot garb) and invited me to sit in on his class in which Bart Campolo would be speaking regarding sustainable solutions to alleviating poverty in Haiti.

Fast forward to today. I think Snarr's class got a little bit more than they bargained for inviting a Campolo to come speak. I'd like to think I've been slightly conditioned and know how to respond to wacky, radical evangelicals being an Eastern alum, but his message was no less powerful. If I had to pinpoint the overarching theme of his presenation, I honestly don't know that I'd be able to. However, as I approached him after the class to thank him for inadvertantly encouraging me to continue my efforts in creating a local, sustainable system of food production in light of the economic and environmental degradation going on all around us, he spoke the most beautiful and truthful words I've heard in a long time. I told him how much I cared about my project, but was in need of encouragement to help regain sight of why my work was significant. In response, he passed along this little gem- "Hope is not the belief that tomorrow will be better. Hope is the conviction that what you're doing now is of importance."

Thanks to Bart Campolo, I received a much-needed refresher course on why my work with Grow Food Grow Hope is so important and why I need to continue my efforts in promoting and working toward sustainable solutions to the problem of global poverty. My work has only just begun :)