A Letter To Me

On May 3rd, 2009, 4 days before I departed Uganda, while participating in a day of fasting and silence, I wrote a letter to myself, which I just now received. In that moment of immense clarity, I perfectly summed up everything that Uganda was for me. So for those of you who've asked me to describe my experience, I apologize for my complete inability to put together my thoughts and emotions and let you in. But I'm hoping, finally, by reading this you'll be able to see just how profound my time there was, and how I've changed since then.

A Letter to Me,
Right now I'm participating in USP's Debrief Solitude & Fasting and trying to reflect back on my semester in Uganda. Ha- remember way back then?? I'll admit- my feelings now can pretty much be summed up in one word: fearful. I'm afraid. Afraid to leave Uganda. Afraid to leave the friends I've made here. But mostly just afraid to return home where I'm likely to fall into old habits and be surrounded by people who want to hear all about my time here, but will never truly understand what I've experienced and how it's changed me. I'm altogether dreading it to be honest. 

I feel as though I've experienced a lot of changes in my beliefs and behaviors that I hope to remember and stick to. For starters, running daily has brought me immense joy. It's given me time to let go of all my stress, to stop thinking and just spend time with God in the beauty of His creation. I don't know how I would've managed this semester without it and I really want to continue it when I get home. 

Something I spent a lot of time thinking about in Faith & Action and ATR were the ideas of how accepting we in the West are of our own sins of greed and materialism, but how quick we are to judge the unfamiliar sins of polygamy or what-have-you. It's added another dimension to my beliefs about homosexuality and the fact that it is no worse than any other sin. It's only reinforced my belief that the ay community deserves the same rights as everyone else. Ironic that I made this discovery within a country that sentences homosexuals to life in prison simply because they're gay. 

I also fell in love with the idea of religious pluralism. I've spent an awfully long time struggling with the idea that my religion is the "right" religion and if my God is a just and loving God, why would He choose me to save while leaving many of His children who've never even been exposed to Christ, to burn in hell?? To put terminology to the idea that there is truth in all religions and Christ can be found outside Christianity has provided me with immeasurable comfort and reassurance. More than that, however, it's renewed my faith in God's love, grace and justice. 

On a smaller note, I cannot forget my time spent in Creative Writing. It completely revived my love for writing and literature, as well as providing an opportunity to receive some much-needed therapy to get out a lot of the angst I had about Ed, Josh, Daddy and Frankie. I'll never forger the one-on-one time spent with Jason. He asked me if I considered myself a happy person. I told him, I'd like to think I am, but for the most part I think I tend to be more negative and pessimistic. He disagreed, telling me that he does think I'm a happy person and that I need to use those past struggles to relate to those who've been through what I've been through and to help those who haven't to understand. This, along with the struggle I'd been having in how depressed and negative I'd become and how to get back to the happy Kaity I used to be, eventually led me to the realization that to remain negative and pessimistic is to completely discredit the amazing blessings and works God is actively doing in my life. 

We devoted so much time to experiencing and talking about simple living throughout the semester, it'd be impossible to leave without it having some kind of impact on me. It's really made me aware of how much I DO have and how frivolous I am with it all. I really hope to become much more conscious about how I'm spending my money, but more than that, I want to abandon the diea that because I "earned" it, that it rightfully belongs to me. I now know that if I'd been born into a family in Mukono or Serere, there's no way I'd be able to have all the wealth and opportunity I have now. With that in mind, I need to give credit where it's due and acknowledge that all I have is property of God alone, and I need to treat is as such. 

The possible highlight of the semester (apart from Debrief, because so far, it's been incredible) was Rwanda. I may have learned more about the world, God, and myself in that one week than I learned in the entire semester. For starters, just seeing the difference between Rwanda and Uganda made me realize there's sooo much in the world I still need to see and experience. It certainly won't help my restless spirit, but I know the extent of what the world has to offer and I'm prepare to seize it. I also obviously have to address what we witnessed concerning the genocide. I honestly am still having trouble trying to fathom the brutality of it all. I just couldn't understand how much you would have to dehumanize a person or group of people in order to commit such unthinkable crimes. I'd spend a large majority of my time in Uganda feeling utterly depressed with the abundance of corruption in African governments and with no hope in sight, seriously contemplated a future in the military as an easy solution to a deep-rooted problem. Seeing what I saw in Rwanda served to make me realize and drive the point home that 1)there is no just war. The way the Hutus dehumanized the Tutsis is exactly what the U.S. is doing to people in the Middle East and 2)it is a lot easier to hate someone than it is to love them, but it is, after all, what Jesus calls us to do to bring His kingdom to earth. 

What we saw in Rwanda absolutely broke our hearts. But as I gave my testimony to that rural Church, I summarized the entire theme of the trip. Although everyone needs to remember what happened in April of 1994 and keep those who were lost in our memories, Rwanda should not (and hopefully, will not) be defined by the genocide. Rather, the faith, perseverence and hope we witnessed there will serve as how Rwanda will be defined for years to come. I recited for the Rwandan congregation my favorite verse" Isaiah 40:31, and I still hold it to be true. Especially in light of the genocide survivors AND killers. The whole experience inspired my tattoo idea, which I will hopefully have the next time I read this! On a more personal note, meeting some of the survivors who've completely forgiven the killers who massacred their families and ruined their lives has made me see how petty my grudges are and how much I need to actually forgive Ed. I've experienced nothing compared to some of those people, so who am I to refuse forgiveness?? 

I guess this is long enough, so I'll end here. Good luck over the summer and in your senior year! But mostly, don't ever forget what you learned in Uganda. 

-Kaity

Living in the Here and Now

It's been awhile. But better late than never, right? As it is currently after 4 am and I really should be trying to sleep for work tomorrow, let me start by saying I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet. Secondly, given the time, I also apologize if this is completely incoherent.

I've had past issues with depression, and lately it's been rearing it's ugly head once again. I think a lot of it just has to do with the fact that I'm all by myself in Philly and feeling pretty lonesome most of the time. Anyway, tonight I was thinking about two things: 1. About how many acquaintances I have, in comparison to how few friends I have and 2. About how much I move around and rarely stay in one place for long. Needless to say, I also thought about the fact that I think #1 is primarily caused by #2. This was quite a revelation for me, in and of itself, but then I got to thinking that although I love a change of scenery and want to experience as much of the world as I can, I am constantly thinking of my life in terms of the future.

Stay with me while I try to explain. While I was in Uganda, my focus was on future travels, future career goals and internships for the summer. Since I've been in Philly, my focus has been on the process of entering Law School, going back to school and preparing for IJM and trying to find a part-time job for the fall. During both these times, I've been in the midst of an absolutely amazing place that a lot of people would love to have the opportunity to experience for themselves, and I was completely distracted. Realizing this has made me realize, that for once, I need to stop focusing on the future and just live and be happy in the here and now.

While I admit that it is a definite flaw in my character, I also believe that I've been socially trained to think in terms of the future rather than actually enjoying the present. As a college student especially, I feel like society is telling us that the reason you go to college in the first place is just to take that first step towards getting a job that you'll be working the rest of your life. There's very little emphasis put on the actual experience of college itself. Sure the academic piece is to be admired, but what about all the learning taking place that won't be on a mid-term? And what about all the amazing people you have the privilege of getting to know? There's so much there that's looked past because we're so accustomed to living for the future rather than 'seizing the day'!

Just some food for thought. I encourage everyone to start being happy in exactly where they are right now. And I promise, I'll be trying extra hard to practice what I preach. Because honestly, there's no point in living a life full of regrets.

Blind-Sided

So completely out of nowhere I decided to get horribly Uganda-sick today. I honestly wasn't expecting to miss it as much as I do, and I'm a little bit blind-sided. I thought the best thing for me to do would be just to compile a little list of my favorite memories and just general things that I miss. So, in no particular order:

1. TALA! (This was a girl who lived on my hall, and I don't think it's too far fetched to say that she totally became my adopted Ugandan little sister. Half the time she drove me crazy, but I totally miss her crazy screaming down the halls and her general tomboyish personality. She was probably one of my best friends on the trip, if not the best and I love her dearly.)
2. Ugandans loved the song "Live Your Life" with Rihanna and T.I. and it was playing on repeat all throughout the semester. One of the other USP girls made the mistake of showing one of the Honors College students, Eddie, the Numa Numa kid video and he played it consecutively EVERY night. It drove me nuts!
3. The night of my rural homestay when I had to bathe after dinner in complete darkness. I was basically just standing there naked in the middle of an African plain under the most brilliant and breathtaking starry sky I've ever seen. There are no words to express the feeling that night.
4. Another similar experience happened in Rwanda. As we were leaving the Christian Hope Village where the children of genocide victims are given housing (which was amazing enough as it was), but it started to rain and we just watched this gorgeous powerful rainstorm come over the mountain and through the valley we were in until I just stood and let it soak me. It was like the most amazing high I've ever felt.
5. Teaching Isaac and my other little Ugandan nieces and nephews how to play "Patty Cake". Every time I'd get to the end Issac would scream "FOR ISAAC AND ME!" He was my favorite child in the world, and it breaks my heart thinking about him now.
6. Sitting on the edge of the window of our matatu on our safari trip speeding through the plains at like 90 miles an hour with the wind whipping through my hair, elephants walking by in the distance and the gorgeous orange sun setting over the horizon.
7. The night I had dinner with Walter and he shared his story with me about his life, his involvement with IJM and his future career aspirations. We were one of the last groups of people to leave the Dining Hall, and then he walked me back to my dorm holding my hand and completely just blessing me with his presence.
8. The rush of running on the red dirt track to the setting sun every night and following it up with a delicious dinner of cow peas and rice.
9. *sigh* I MISS THE FOOD! I ate cow peas and rice nearly every night and never really got sick of it. Cabbage was also always a treat, as was pineapple. And if I ever needed a break, I just walked across the street from campus to get a chapati or a hamburger and chips (fries) from Sam's stand.
10. Creative writing! I may have lost my sanity without this class as an outlet for all the stress and stuff I was going through. My teacher was probably my favorite teacher of all time, and I truly hope he gets published soon, because he deserves it more than anyone I know.

So yeah, those are definitely the top 10. I have to say- this didn't help my nostalgia in the least. Man, do I miss this stuff. I can't wait to go back someday!

She's Baack!

I have no idea if anyone still reads this thing, but I continue to rediscover my love for writing (even if it does happen to be in the embarrassing form of blogging), so I'm going to try and keep it going the very best I can.

I'll admit, I'm a little disappointed in how I left my last blog post kind of hanging there. My last two weeks in Uganda and Rwanda left me a bit frazzled, and then there was the whole readjusting to life in America. So by the time I got myself together, I kind of felt like it was too late to re-cap that lost time. Which is disappointing because honestly, out of my whole four months there, our one-week stay in Rwanda was not only the most memorable part of the trip, but the most life-changing as well. I apologize for the tease, because I feel as though too much time has elapsed to do my stories any justice. But for anyone who's curious, I'd LOVE to talk about my time there because, like I said, it changed my life!

Anyhow, fast forward to present day: Here I am, sitting in my lovely room in my Chinatown apartment, seriously procrastinating writing a bogus paper for my required class through my internship program. That being said, I do love city living. Philadelphia is spectacular. I can most definitely see myself living here post-graduation. Although it rains a bit too much for my liking, I love every aspect of it. The funny thing is, I was totally expecting a bunch of city snobs to greet me when I moved here for the summer, but in reality, I was greeted by an almost small-town vibe displaced in the birthplace of the United States.

My internship is at Philadelphia FIGHT, a local HIV/AIDS organization. My job is working in the public AIDS Library where I spend some time working the front desk which mostly entails getting people signed onto our computers for 30-minute slots of free internet access. Mostly though, I spend a lot of time in the back conference room "collating," which seems to me, a much fancier word than the actual task at hand. Since June is AIDS Education Month, there are all kinds of community events and presentations being hosted by FIGHT, and I'm doing the grunt work to make these events happen. Babysitting the copiers as they produce mass quantities of event programs, making copies of information pamphlets and other resources, and mostly, stuffing lots of papers into folders that more than likely, people won't give a second glance.

My time there has definitely been a learning experience. I love the people I work with, but it's definitely made me aware that the field of HIV/AIDS is not something I'll be actively pursuing in the future. It's an important fight, it's just not mine.

Love and such,

My Very Last Ugandan Blog

Alright folks, this is a short one.

It's finally sunk in that I'm actually leaving this place, and it's not going to be easy. I've established so many amazing relationships with Ugandans and Americans alike, and I'm not at all prepared to abandon them. Tonight was our Farewell Dinner and our Mukono host families, service project leaders and Honors College students were all invited. It was pretty nice, but just another reminder of the fact that my time is nearing it's end.

Tomorrow is our last day on campus. I've already done the majority of my packing, but have one more 5-page paper to write and I'm finally done with work for the semester. I probably won't sleep tomorrow night because we leave 5:00 am Thursday morning for Rwanda. We'll be there until the 1st, we'll return to campus for a night, then leave the following morning for a Debrief/Retreat in Entebbe until we leave on the 5th for the States!

Therefore, just a little note, I won't have internet again until I'm back in the U.S. So I guess this is good-bye and thanks for following my adventures, everyone! It's been an experience, to say the least.

Peace and love.