6.25.2015

On Being White and Grieving for Charleston


Last Thursday morning, I awoke to the news that 9 people lost their lives to a terrorist attack within the walls of their own church in Charleston. I was sad to learn that yet again, a mass shooting had destroyed the lives of at least 9 families. America the beautiful. My first reaction, was one of sadness. But my second reaction was something along the lines of, "Here we go again." It was stunning that a public shooting barely garnered a response from me because it has become so commonplace in our country. Something is wrong with that scenario.

I went to bed that night, not feeling wholly affected and awoke the next day conducting business as usual. It wasn't until around 8:30am Friday morning that the reality sunk in. I locked myself within the confines of our small, lactation room at work and clicked on a viral video of Jon Stewart's monologue addressing the shooting at Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church. As I listened to his words, I began to cry. The crying turned to weeping, and the weeping turned to sobbing. I cried as I pumped. I cried as I placed my bottle in the refrigerator and walked out to my car. I cried as I got into the driver's seat. And I cried as I drove to my 9am meeting.



I felt overwhelming sadness at the thought of raising my son in a country that is killing its own people. I felt anger that I shared the same label of "American" as the people who are claiming their lives are worth more than their neighbor's because of something as superficial as skin color. I felt despair that every time it seems like our country might be making progress toward love, kindness and equality, some mass tragedy occurs that drives us two steps back. I felt sick, as a mother, thinking about what it must be like to be raising black daughters and sons in this day and age. Having to teach your beautiful, pure-hearted children to be cautious of law enforcement, to prepare themselves to be hurt, teased, and/or ostracized, not because of who they are, but because of how they look. How do you prepare a beautiful, loving, innocent child for this cruel world?

I felt all these things: sadness, anger, despair. And then I felt something else. I felt guilt. I didn't feel that these thoughts of sadness, anger, despair were justified. Because I have no idea what it's like to be a black person in this country. I felt guilt, because for whatever heartbreak I was experiencing, my black brothers and sisters must have felt that tenfold. And when I thought about feeling guilty, I felt guiltier. Why did I feel guilty? If my brothers and sisters in Christ are being targeted, within their house of worship, nay- within THE BODY OF CHRIST, how was I not justified in feeling sadness? I should be outraged. I should be shocked. I should be heartwrenchingly devastated.

And therein lies the problem. I am white, and I have no idea how to respond to racial conflict. In my heart of hearts, I know that every person on this world, was lovingly and intentionally created by a benevolent God. Every person is equal in the eyes of their Creator. Every person is worthy of love, and life, and kindness. Yet, I have been raised in a generation that blindly proclaims equality and acceptance. We are so focused on these two tenets, that we fail to identify the institutionalized racism that is all around us. We are living in an era in which discrimination is no longer tolerated, and so rather than having segregated schools and drinking fountains and instances of identifiable racism, we have racism that lurks within the deep, dark, depths of people's hearts and is invisible to the naked eye. We have racism that targets people who "fit the description." We have racism in hiring practices. We have racism in school funding. We have racism all around us, yet even the most well-intentioned of us, don't see it. Or if we do see it, we fail to speak up for lack of the right terminology, or political correctness.

Which leaves me here today, in an emotional cocktail of heartbreak, a fear to speak up, a frustration that racist behaviors are not always easy for me to spot, and a complete and utter melancholy for the friends and families of Reverend Clementa Pinckney, Reverend Daniel Simmons, Cynthia Hurd, Sharonda Singleton, Myra Thompson, Tywanza Sanders, Reverend DePayne Middleton-Doctor, Susie Jackson, and Ethel Lance.

I have debated whether or not to publish this post, because the truth is, I don't have the right words. But ultimately, I decided that the harm from not posting it was worse than the harm that comes from posting it. I don't want to continue to sweep the sickening plague that is racial injustice under our nation's collective rug. I don't want to be yet another white "ally" that remains silent, rather than speaking up when I witness the ugly sin of racism. I pray that in writing this, I am conveying a message of humility. I have much to learn, and much to take responsibility for as I acknowledge that I am a part of the problem. I ask for your prayers and I pray that together, we might all join in love to work toward equality, once and for all.


6.23.2015

10 Things I Would Tell My Pre-Pregnant Self


We all know that my transition into a full-bellied pregnant lady was not exactly seamless. I kicked, screamed and resisted the process every step of the way. It was scary, unexpected and as someone who does not do well with change, I was grappling with it the best way I knew how. However, one of my deepest regrets is that I didn't stop to smell the roses, so to speak. It wasn't until after I had Charlie that I realized the crazy, amazing gift that pregnancy is and I wished I hadn't taken it for granted as much as I did. Should I be lucky enough to get a second chance, I fully intend to soak up every swollen, morning sick moment. So although, Round 2 won't be for a good long while (knock on wood!), here are some things I wish I could tell my pre-pregnant self:


10 Things I Would Tell my Pre-Pregnant Self


10. Breastfeed with both boobs. So you know how Charlie has had trouble gaining weight? (Well, maybe you don't, so to catch you up to speed- my baby is in like the 3rd percentile for weight). I think the biggest reason is because I legit wasn't breastfeeding him correctly. One of the nurses instructed me on what to do shortly after he was born and I must have misunderstood because for the first month of his life I only fed him with one boob for each nursing session. The poor kid must have been starving his whole first month! His pediatrician was the one who finally told me to nurse on one side, burp him, then nurse on the other. Totally had no idea up until she told me that. Derp.

9. Start saving, you goon! Everyone talks about how expensive babies are, but I was thinking more about the physical stuff- diapers, formula, etc. Chuck and I were not nearly prepared enough for the financial aspect and blew through what little savings we had so quickly. If you're going on maternity leave, you need to expect to save the income you would normally be making to pay bills, etc. You should also prepare to pay double the amount of insurance when you return to work, to make up for the weeks when you weren't making any income. Not to mention, all of the medical bills and co-pays. I had a normal vaginal birth with no complications, and we wound up owing probably about $2,500 for our hospital stay. We pay a $30 co-pay each doctor visit and let me tell you- babies go to the doctor A LOT. All of these things, I wish I had been better informed about so I would have saved up rather than blowing all our funds on cute baby things!

8. You do not need toys. Or clothes. There are probably at least 10 mamas in your life who have the ability to bless you with hand-me-downs. Don't bother buying toys or clothes. People will give you that stuff fo' free.

7. You'll get more sleep than you think. Dear Pre-Pregnant Kaity, your baby is going to be an awesome sleeper. You can relax now. Love, Post-Pregnant Kaity

6. You're not going to get your period again for a long time. And. It's. Awesome. Fun fact: breastfeeding is nature's birth control. Six months postpartum and no menstrual cycle in sight. #winning

5. Make more freezer meals. I know you've stocked your freezer full of delicious Pinterest-inspired meals, but you're going to blow through those in the first couple weeks. Make more!

4. Take the full 12 weeks. I know you are concerned about looking like a "bad employee" if you take the full amount of maternity leave allowed to you under law. Don't be a dope. Twelve weeks is shorter than virtually every other Mama in the world and your baby is only going to be a baby once. Savor those full 12 weeks- they go quick!

3. Don't go to Target! Two days before my due date, I made an impulsive decision after one of my midwife appointments to do some last-minute Christmas shopping. Right before I reached my destination, I ran straight into the back of the car in front of me and totalled my car. We still haven't bought a second car. Pre-pregnant Kaity, turn around! Don't go to Target! Drive your ass home!!!

2. Have sex. Often. I hate to say it, but both quantity and quality will decrease significantly after baby. I know you feel like a beached whale, but do yourself a favor and enjoy some more adult time with your Hubby before your poor, sweet lady bits are traumatized for life. Post-baby sex hurts. Sorry, but it's true.

1. You're going to be an amazing Mom. I know you have spent every waking second of your pregnancy freaking out about being a huge, fat failure of a parent, but let me let you in on a little secret- You don't have to be good with kids to be a damn good Mama to your own kid.

I asked Chuck what he would tell his pre-Daddy self. His response? "Prepare for your heart to be melted." I think I'll keep him around ♥

> > >

What would you tell your pre-pregnant self?




6.22.2015

Because Two Book Challenges Isn't Enough...


If you follow me with any type of regularity, you may remember that I signed up to participate for my 3rd round of Megan's Semi-Charmed Summer 2015 Book Challenge. (Go here to see my last progress update!)

LITERARY LADIES

  
Well, obviously, committing myself to one book challenge just wasn't enough, so I decided to give Erin's Book Challenge a second go. This is my preliminary list for her challenge:

(July 8, 2015) 5 points // Any book that is at least 200 pages longDown the Rabbit Hole by Holly Madison

(July 22, 2015) 10 points // A book with one of the following words in the title: "girl(s)," "boy(s)," "wo(man)," "wo(men)" | The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins

(July 7, 2015) 10 points // A book with a three word titleLooking for Alaska by John Green 

(July 1, 2015) 15 points // A book with a number in the titleThe No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith

(August 9, 2015) 20 points // A book that begins with the first letter of your last nameSummer Sisters by Judy Blume (416 pages, ) 

20 points // A book set in Latin America | Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

25 points // A book by any of the female authors featured in this Time magazine articleHalf of a Yellow Sun by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

30 points // A book of short stories | When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

30 points // A book that was a Newberry Award winner | The Giver by Lois Lowry

(August 4, 2015) 35 points // A banned/challenged book | The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie  (230 pages, )


However, because I'm a batshit crazy and woefully unrealistic bookworm, when Kristen at See You in a Porridge announced she would be co-hosting her own book challenge, I clearly had no choice but to sign on for a third book challenge. These were the books I chose for Kristen's challenge:


(June 28, 2015) A YA book | We Were Liars by E. Lockhart (227 pages, )

(July 1, 2015) Non-US Author | The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency by Alexander McCall Smith (235 pages, )

(August 2, 2015) A book that was recommended by a blogger (or Instagrammer / YouTuber / Goodreads-er) | Little Bee by Chris Cleave (Amber @ Mr. Thomas and Me(266 pages, )

A book that has been on your TBR list for a year or more | The Garden of Burning Sand by Corban Addison

A book with a kickass female character | Legend by Marie Lu

(August 16, 2015) A book that is or will be a movie (or TV show) | Me Before You by Jojo Moyes (269 pages)

(July 8, 2015) A book written by a comedian or celebrity – or even a memoir if neither of those are your jam | Down the Rabbit Hole by Holly Madison (352 pages, )

(August 7, 2015) A book with a one word title | Undeniable by Bill Nye (309 pages, )

(July 22, 2015) A suspenseful book – a mystery, a thriller, a book about revenge! | The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins (323 pages, )

(August 9, 2015) A book about Summer, with Summer in the title, or in any way related to Summer because this is a Summer challenge! | Summer Sisters by Judy Blume (416 pages, ) 


Clearly, I have issues.

Please send help.


6.21.2015

To my Love, on Father's Day


I wish I could spout cliches about how you're the world's best Dad, the perfect father, but you're probably not. I love you too much to speak in falsities and exaggerations. While you may not be the best father, you are the best father for Charlie. I love how much you love our son. I love that you do and always will love him for exactly who he is and will be. I love that you willingly take on diaper duty. I love that sometimes you give me that extra hour of sleep in the morning so that I can be a better Mommy. I love that my Charlie has you as a Daddy.

But most of all, I love that our son is already showing signs of your temperament. He may look like his Mama, but already he has your propsenity for affection. He has your silliness. He has your easy-going, laidback personality. Even if we royally screw up this parenting gig, if our little boy grows up to be anything like you, he is going to be a remarkable man.



Happy First Father's Day, my love.

6.19.2015

Blogger Love v.9


I'm one of those people who gets super weird whenever anyone in my real life brings up my blog. I know that most of the people who read it are my own friends and family, but I write with an honesty that just isn't really as prevalent in my real life, so I get squirmy whenever anyone mentions it. I like keeping my blogging life separate. I like that the friendships I've made here feel real, even if we've never met in real life. I like that I can talk to people in similar phases of life, that I may not have in real life. I like that I can be friends, without obligation.

All that is to say, I'm so thankful for this weird, little cyberspace of mine and I love sharing it with my fellow bloggers. Here are some that deserve a shout-out.

All the Joys - Blogger Love


The perfect summer reading for every Myers-Briggs personality type by Modern Mrs. Darcy | I swing somewhere between an INFP and an INFJ. Both books for those two categories are my TWO FAVORITE BOOKS. Seriously, her choices are uncannily accurate.

Why we aren't sharing our baby's name by The Florkens | Although, we didn't officially announce Charlie's name until he was born, his name was one of our frontrunners for most of my pregnancy. I really wanted to keep his name a secret, but Chuck and I are both blabber mouths. I don't know why people feel the need to share their opinions of your baby name choices, but if there's a next time for us, I don't want to tell a soul. If someone tells you they want to name their baby Moonshine Dungbeetle- just smile and nod! Seriously! That had little to do with Kate's post, but you should read it, regardless of my neverending rant.

Why Jurassic World's success is actually a bad thing by A Peek at Karen's World | No spoilers here, but both Chuck and I were kind of disappointed when we saw the highly anticipated movie last weekend. The plot just felt so uncreative and cliche. I heard they're continuing the franchise, so I hope they step up their game next time. I'm glad someone else agrees with me!

He Saw Us by The Lady Okie | If you love a good "God moment" story, this is a really, really good one.

What I Read in May by hellorigby! | Not only do I love Jenn's taste in books, but I love the format that she posts her book challenge statuses and reviews. Is bookophilia a thing? Because I totally have it.

The Truth About Labor by Jen+Eric Generation |  I don't want to spoil anything, but there is a Harry Potter reference in this post that is pure gold. I still think this is the best description of labor that I've ever read.

6.16.2015

I'm Failing at this Working Mom Thing


I wish the title of this post was just click baiting, but it's not. I'm failing. Hard. Somehow returning to work full-time has made me feel like a half-assed employee, and a half-assed Mommy. I only have one kid and I'm wondering, how do full-time working moms do it?!



I returned back to my job (which I love!) at the beginning of a hectic season. My position involves coordinating a program that provides low-income families with fresh produce, primarily during the summer months. This meant that my maternity leave between December-March could not have been better timed, but since returning my to-do list has been miles long. New clients have gone weeks- weeks! without getting a return phone call, because there simply aren't enough hours in my day. I have called off sick more times than I would like to admit, 1. Because I genuinely haven't felt well, but 2. Because I think my not-feeling-well is a psychosomatic response to the stress and pressure I've been putting on myself.

I have been so fortunate to have someone close to us watching my sweet baby boy, but the future of this arrangement is uncertain and I'm left wondering how does anyone afford childcare in this day and age?! I can't quit and stay home with Charlie, because...student loans. And I have no idea how to continue to work and pay for childcare because...student loans. 

On top of this, my daily commute is about an hour which just feels as though I'm adding insult to injury because I generally leave before Charlie is up and at 'em and get home just in time to put him to bed. I struggle to maintain a regular pumping schedule, which has noticeably affected my supply. I just...I'm at a loss.

I know being a Mama is hard regardless of whether you spend your days under the harsh glow of the office industrial lighting, or in the jungle of spit-up rags and teething toys that many SAHMs call home. And I know whining about my own situation doesn't make the situations of other Mommies any less real. 

I hate that I'm at a job I love, but am only able to give what feels like 50% of myself.

I hate that I'm not home all day snuggling with my baby, but know that I'd go stir crazy if I actually was a SAHM.

I hate that I'm using the wee morsel of time I've carved out for blogging to complain, rather than wax poetic about how freaking awesome being Charlie's mom really is.

I hate that nearly six months in, I still haven't figured out this Mom gig.


6.04.2015

#tbt: That Time My "Rainbow Farm Wedding" was Featured on Offbeat Bride (November 5, 2012)


Many moons ago, as a young, betrothed woman, I stalked the Offbeat Bride website religiously for ideas and inspiration on how to make my wedding ceremony a true manifestation of our own unique personalities. Needless to say, I was beyond excited when they featured our wedding on their site!

Go here to check it out!


6.02.2015

5 Months as Mommy


WORK
Still loving my job, not loving my commute. I leave for work shortly after Charlie wakes up and make it home just in time to put him to bed. Truth be told, it stinks. However, I'm still only going in 4 days/week which is so freaking fantastic. That third day with my baby boy makes such a difference to me. I'm honestly dreading the day I have to return to a normal 5 day/week schedule.

BREASTFEEDING
I've gotten a little lazy this month in terms of pumping which is not good. I've noticed my supply taking a little hit, so I need to continue to be disciplined in pumping when I'm supposed to. The hardest part is the fact that some days I spend my entire workday on the road. I have a battery pack for my pump, but it's super annoying to try to find a somewhat private parking lot to stop in, keep myself covered up, balance a bottle of milk and keep everything cool and relatively sanitary. I love breastfeeding, but pumping can be a real pain in the butt sometimes.

BABY FAT
I still have not figured out how the heck to stay fit with a baby. Running is my jam, and until I'm able to afford a jogging stroller, there's not much changing in the baby fat department. Lately, I've been contemplating getting a morning run in after Charlie's first wake-up around 4-5 AM rather than going back to bed. Great in theory, but if you know me at all, I am not a morning person. It will be a miracle if I'm able to pull it off.

As for Charlie...



MILESTONES
Every month I continue to be astonished by Charlie's development! His hand-eye coordination is amazing! His favorite things to grab are Mommy and Daddy's face, his toes, and most recently, his globe and bedroom window. He's also become very aware of what bottles are and becomes fixated on every one he sees. Watching him attempt to drink out of my 1 liter Aquafina bottle was the best thing ever. This month, Charlie also started blowing raspberries, sitting up (almost unsupported), and laughing when we tickle his armpits!

He absolutely loves people and got to visit with sooo many loved ones this month. Mommy's college besties and high school best friend all made visits to him and were instantly smitten by his sweet temperament and laid-back personality. Charlie also made his second visit to Mommy's office and won over all her co-workers, as well!

Charlie had his first dip in his baby pool (Yay, for half-nakey babies!) and we attempted his first solid food (homemade applesauce), but he was not impressed, so this will be a work in progress.

In terms of clothing, thank goodness it's summer now and we can get away with just sticking him in a onesie! We're still in Size 2 diapers, and 3-month pants, but he's getting long enough so that his 3-6 month onesies and jammies fit him.

FAMILY
Charlie helped all the ladies in his life celebrate Mother's Day! He was so thoughtful and bought his Mommy and both Grandmas cards with sweet, handwritten notes inside (clearly, he's a very advanced child). We all celebrated the day with a BBQ with Daddy's side of the family and two weeks later, his other Grandma came down to visit on Memorial Day weekend.

STATS
This was the first month where Charlie did not make it into the doctor's office, so Mommy is just going to have to guess in terms of his growth. I'm thinking he's probably about 25 1/2 inches, weighing 13 1/2 lbs and still has a ginormous head. He's still a peanut, so no change there, but those thighs get a little chunkier every day!




After 5 months, I can still confidently say that "Mommy" is the best job title I've ever had.

6.01.2015

Summer 2015 Book Challenge: May Check-In


My expectations for this reading challenge are admittedly low, so I was pretty impressed with myself when I finished two books in the month of May. Usually, that would not be much of an accomplishment, but with being as busy as I've been, I'll take it!



(May 16, 2015) 10 points: Read a book you have never heard of before. (Just go to a shelf and pick a book based on the cover, the title, whatever you want!)I Don't Know What You Know Me From by Judy Greer (256 pages, 
)
The clever title of this book totally fits the mood of Judy Greer's memoir. You've seen her face, but most likely you don't know much about her. At least, I didn't. She is such a likeable person and her writing so down-to-earth and relatable. Her sarcasm, wit and Hollywood insider stories make this a really fun, light-hearted read. 

(May 12, 2015) 15 points: Read a book by an author you have read before. (No re-reads for this one.)Scary Close by Donald Miller (256 pages, ) 
Blue Like Jazz remains one of those books that changed me as a person. I have loved and followed Donald Miller ever since. I have to admit, though, I was a little disappointed in this one. In a book written about dropping the act and being genuine in relationships, Miller was saying all the right things, but they almost felt forced and not totally sincere. Jury's still out on this one.

PREVIOUS POINTS: 0
TOTAL POINTS: 25

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