I wish the title of this post was just click baiting, but it's not. I'm failing. Hard. Somehow returning to work full-time has made me feel like a half-assed employee, and a half-assed Mommy. I only have one kid and I'm wondering, how do full-time working moms do it?!
I returned back to my job (which I love!) at the beginning of a hectic season. My position involves coordinating a program that provides low-income families with fresh produce, primarily during the summer months. This meant that my maternity leave between December-March could not have been better timed, but since returning my to-do list has been miles long. New clients have gone weeks- weeks! without getting a return phone call, because there simply aren't enough hours in my day. I have called off sick more times than I would like to admit, 1. Because I genuinely haven't felt well, but 2. Because I think my not-feeling-well is a psychosomatic response to the stress and pressure I've been putting on myself.
I have been so fortunate to have someone close to us watching my sweet baby boy, but the future of this arrangement is uncertain and I'm left wondering how does anyone afford childcare in this day and age?! I can't quit and stay home with Charlie, because...student loans. And I have no idea how to continue to work and pay for childcare because...student loans.
On top of this, my daily commute is about an hour which just feels as though I'm adding insult to injury because I generally leave before Charlie is up and at 'em and get home just in time to put him to bed. I struggle to maintain a regular pumping schedule, which has noticeably affected my supply. I just...I'm at a loss.
I know being a Mama is hard regardless of whether you spend your days under the harsh glow of the office industrial lighting, or in the jungle of spit-up rags and teething toys that many SAHMs call home. And I know whining about my own situation doesn't make the situations of other Mommies any less real.
I hate that I'm at a job I love, but am only able to give what feels like 50% of myself.
I hate that I'm not home all day snuggling with my baby, but know that I'd go stir crazy if I actually was a SAHM.
I hate that I'm using the wee morsel of time I've carved out for blogging to complain, rather than wax poetic about how freaking awesome being Charlie's mom really is.
I hate that nearly six months in, I still haven't figured out this Mom gig.