Ahhh...returning to this blinking cursor is the emotional equivalent of sticking my toes in the sand. It feels good to be back. I need some rejuvenation and to process some of the things that have been going on in my head. I returned to work, nearly a month ago and I've written one quality post since then. I never wanted to become the Mom that deserted her passion when the demands of parenthood kicked in, but alas, here I am, in all of my spit-up covered Mommy glory.
Life has been challenging lately. I've always done the work of two people at my job, so it would be challenging to get caught up if I was in the office 5 days a week, but I'm not. My employer is allowing me to come in 4 days a week as I acclimate to this Mom gig, and I don't for a second feel guilty about seizing that opportunity.
My house is a mess. And I don't say that in a fake-modest kind of way. It's legitimately disgusting. The floors haven't been vacuumed in about a month, dirty dishes sit in my sink and there is stuff.everywhere. A chaotic house makes for a chaotic mind and that's kind of where I'm at right now. But I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm busy, damnit. Do I like living in a pigsty? Hell no. Do I acknowledge that I have a new person to take care of, a job to do well, and a need for some occasional me time after a long day? You bet.
Since becoming a Mom I have become acutely aware of this culture of Mom guilt. I'm not even allowing myself to go there. A couple months ago I read Bringing Up Bebe and it totally set the foundation for my evolving parenting philosophy. I will not make myself feel guilty. I will not be a martyr. My husband and baby come first. But I deserve time for myself too. It doesn't make me a bad mom to crave some time to relax and unwind. In fact, it might just make me a better one. I am not going to be the Mom that caters to my child's every whim and loses myself in the process. I am still a person and I deserve happiness, as well.
This idea of giving myself grace is kind of new to me. I've always been suuuuuper good at dwelling in guilt. But seriously- I am too tired to keep it up. Grace and coffee are all that sustains me during this season of my life. So yeah, do I wish I was able to bounce back to my pre-pregnancy weight? A little. But right now, my body is still being leased out by a little growing boy who needs it more than I do. Breastfeeding is my current focus so I'm really not in a huge hurry to get back to where I was. The time will come when Charlie starts to wean himself, and I will get serious about an intense exercise regime. Until then, I'm going to love my squishy body the way it is and thank God that I have been blessed enough to use it for the nourishment of my baby. There are no self-deprecating remarks to be had here. My body is a temple both at 125 lbs and at 140.
I guess that's all that I wanted to say. Or all that I could muster up during nap time (while I should probably be picking up the living room- but like I said, no guilt here). I'm thankful to always have this space to come back to, and even more thankful to have a weird little cyber community of friends and supporters who keep coming back to it while I'm just a tad bit flighty.
Thanks for the grace, my friends. And if I may say so- try giving yourself some more of it. It's incredibly liberating.