Thursday, October 16, 2014

Pregnancy Fears


From the beginning of my pregnancy, I've been a pretty open book. I haven't exactly hidden the fact that the "future mom" role is not one that fits me. And I haven't once pretended that I'm not scared shitless about this entire process.

Through every stage of disbelief, doubt and anxiety, I've been honest. I derive comfort from laying it all out there. Despite the fact that these things are rarely verbalized, I know I can't be the only woman who feels this way. Not only that, but vocalizing my concerns, helps them to appear less like the scary monsters in my head that I make them out to be. 

So, if I'm being honest, these are some of the things I'm afraid of...

I'm afraid I won't be able to withstand the pain of labor. The best I can explain my desire to have a natural birth, is that the realities of unnecessary medical interventions, and surgery, and needles in my spine frightens me much more than a natural pain. But what if I just can't do it?

I'm afraid I won't love my baby right away. I don't love my baby. There, I said it. I don't have feelings of love yet. My relationship with my future child is that of a parasite and host. I have hope that when I finally do meet him, these feelings will change. But I'm scared it will take awhile to reach that point.

I'm afraid my relationship with my husband will change. Chuck is my best friend. We are young, silly, and totally in love. I'm scared that the stress of parenthood will change what a great relationship we have.

I'm afraid I will never sleep again. Okay, I acknowledge that this one is seemingly trivial, But seriously, I require a lot of sleep. 9-10 hours is sufficient for me and I am seriously concerned that I will cease functioning when subjected to the new Mommy sleep regimen. 

I'm afraid that working full-time will create a distance between my baby and me. If I had a choice, I would probably choose to stay home longer with my baby, but it's just not financially feasible for us. Even so, I know that I could never do the stay-at-home-mom gig. My career is too important to me and I don't think I would be the best mom I could be if I gave up a job I loved. All that being said, I do worry that my working will somehow negatively impact my relationship with my son.

I'm afraid my baby will love someone more than me. This is a consequence of me working full-time. Because Baby Pep will be spending most of his time with someone other than his Mama, I'm really scared that he'll grow to love someone else as the maternal figure he lacks in me.

I'm afraid my sex life will never be the same. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I would like for my lady bits to stay intact. 

I'm afraid I won't recognize my baby. I can't picture what my baby will look like. And I wonder if when I finally do lay eyes on him for the first time, whether something will finally click, or if he'll still just look like a stranger to me.

> > >

Do you have pregnancy fears of your own?
If you're a Mama, what were your fears prior to giving birth (or adopting)?


5 comments:

  1. We have/had some identical fears! I hadn't planned to get the epidural at all, but getting it was not bad at all. You read my birth story so you know having to be immobile did me in, but I hope you'll be able to labor without any constraints!

    I think the fact that you and Chuck are silly is going to be what keeps your relationship from not changing. I'm only a week into motherhood, and the first couple of nights were hard, but keeping levity and communicating with each other will keep you two just as strong if not stronger in your relationship than you are now. Just make sure you both still take time together, and for yourselves, when you need it.

    I'm going to have three months off and had a hard time during pregnancy thinking about having to send her away at such a young age for someone else to take care of. It still bothers me, I wish there were another way, but like you, it just isn't financially possible. I'm sure that is going to be a rough transition for me. BUT, there's no way baby will love someone more than us, we have biology on our side lol

    Sleep. I'm sorry, I have no encouraging words on that one lol.

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  2. You are so not alone! I am 17 weeks and I am petrified! I wrote about it here if you care to read it: http://dontcallmekate.blogspot.com/2014/10/4-down-5-to-go.html I know that seems like a shameless plug for my blog, but really that is much easier than retyping it all here.

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  3. Oh, my dear Kaity...I read your blog and your honesty and expression brings it ALL back home to me. I feared EVERY ONE OF YOUR FEARS...and you know what? It's all good....they were all dispelled, but, by the Grace of God. 1) I feared the pain, but also didn't want DRUGS, and you know what? We are MADE to have babies. Our bodies respond. And if you need "help" - just take it honey. The goal is, "I want to see the baby!" 2) You will KNOW your baby's face. It will have the face of you and Chuck. It will be a sweet-faced baby Best/Stuckert. You will know him right away - I promise! 3) Your relationship with Chuck WILL change, but only for the good. He will rise up to be the man that God called him to bed (he is trying to buy you a new home, as I type these words, because he wants the BEST for you and his new son. It will be OK. You two will grow as a family - it is ONLY good! 4) You WILL sleep again. I can remember rocking little Robbie in our bedroom and b/c I was nursing, I was the only one who could feed him. Loren would wake up and say, "I wish I could help." I'd say, "I just don't think I'll ever get to sleep again - I'm so tired! You know what, almost 34 years later, 40 years of marriage, what I'm saying today is, "I'm so tired! I need to sleep." You will. I did and do. When you are awake in the wee hours of the night, thank God that you have a little baby to sustain. He meets your needs. And sleep is one of them! 5/6) Working WILL create a distance from your baby, but again, God will provide. When I had Taylor, I also received my BEST, full time job at the YMCA. There he had "Grandmas from the Y," who loved him, nurtured him and held him until I could return. It allowed me to help sustain our family financially and yet know in the depths of my heart, that my wee one was loved. This I can tell you - he only had eyes for me. No matter what time of day, or how late it was at night, when I came into the room, my baby's eyes lit up. Still happens to this day. Whether he'll admit it or not...he knows that my love for him surpasses everything: job, distance (he's in JAPAN, for God's sake), independence financially (a blessing - but not the have all to end all). My point is: yes - others will care for you baby, but try to trust God that the BEST person is the one caring for him when needed, because you are doing your BEST. God will do the rest.

    I know you are a private person. I'm married to one of those. However, I SO wanted to have my Mid-Wife training by the time you and Chuck had your baby. I would love to be there to support, to help you (I know you can do this, Kaity; you are so much stronger than you think). If you would not consider it an intrusion, I will SO BE THERE for you & Chuck at Miami Valley and help you deliver this baby. I would consider it a privilege. Just give me the word...I'll be there, with bells on (abstaining from anything 'else' - just there for you). I love you and I thank God that my son knew your goodness/greatness from Day 1!!
    MS

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  4. These are basically a lot of mine as well. I AM afraid I won't be able to do the labor thing, but Jordan keeps telling me I'm stronger than I think I am... I would like to do it unmedicated as well for similar reasons as you. And I am definitely worried about going back to work!

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  5. Yeah, childbirth sucks- no way around that. Haha But to me, pain is like 90% mental so I just tried to remain as calm as possible and tell myself that I could ask for the epidural at any point. I think giving myself that freedom was huge for me and made me much more...relaxed? It also helped that I was surrounded by people who were supportive of my desire to do the whole natural thing which I also think is a really big deal. I know I keep saying the same thing over and over again, but pregnancy is one big test in faith. The only thing you can control is your mindset about being totally not in control. Lol Just believe you can do it, (women have somehow been doing this forever!), but give yourself grace if you just don't feel like you can handle it. No one who has ever gone through labor would judge you!


    The work thing, well, I've got no tips. It's a work in progress for me. Half the week I spend loving my job and the other half I spend weeping and trying to figure out how to become a stay-at-home mom. At the very least, you can rest assured that there is one working mom out there who is probably less functional than you're going to be ;)

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