5.21.2012

Afraid

Lately, I've been in a funk. And it seems that slowly, but surely, people in my life are also drifting into a similar funk. Which only serves to make me more...funky. I've tried countless times to pinpoint the root of my funk. Most days, I get no where. Today, I'm making baby steps. 

Today is the day I admit that I'm afraid.

I'm afraid...that I will end up that nasty, jaded wife who sat a table over from us at lunch yesterday chastising her husband for his choice of restaurant. 

I'm afraid...that once Chuck sees me become a grumpy, cranky monster, he won't love me anymore.

I'm afraid...that the money I'm pouring into getting a Masters in Food Studies will only serve to leave me more in debt and with just as few career options as I have now.

I'm afraid...that if I don't get a job writing about food and hunger issues that I'll be utterly hopeless and insignificant.

I'm afraid...to read my Bible. I believe in God, but don't want to become familiar with His Word because I don't know how to reconcile the things written that I don't like.

I'm afraid...of losing the most important people in my life. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares where I've lost my mom, sister, or Chuck. I don't know a life without them and I never want to.

I'm afraid...of change. I can't continue working a minimum-wage paying job forever, but I'm afraid to leave.

I'm afraid...that I'm losing my spirit. The part of me that was so independent and self-sufficient is being stifled. And all that is left is a girl who is...afraid.

5.20.2012

Sunday Blessings XVIII

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone! It certainly is for me!


(Bee)autiful Blessings


home
Yesterday was terrific. The weather was beautiful and we spent the majority of it outside. Our upstairs neighbors Ellen and Jim have been wanting to fix up our backyard and we've been thinking the same thing. So we spent all day weedwacking, shoveling, weeding and all-around beautifying our shared porch. The results? Beautiful. Check out this picture Ellen snapped of Chuck and I enjoying our new space!


To top it all of, we ended the night with wine and great conservation. We're so blessed to have such great neighbors!

church
In the 10 months I've lived in Pittsburgh I have yet to make it to church once. But this morning, that changes! I finally have a Sunday off from work and our Pastor in Ohio connected us with a Presbyterian church about a half hour away that we're going to check out. Yay for God time!

love
My hubby-to-be is hands-down one of the sweetest guys alive. He gets a lot of flack from his brothers and friends for being the baby and being as cute and innocent as he is, but he refuses to change. His positivity and good nature are infectious and he genuinely sees the good in everyone. Just one of the millions of reasons why I am so crazy in love with him.

How has God blessed you this week? Grab a button and link-up below. And have a beautifully blessed Sunday!

5.15.2012

Country Girl

Driving through the cornfields of Southern Ohio a few weekends ago, I was confronted with the realization that I had not been surrounded by miles of growing vegetation and farmland in months. To some this might not seem out of the ordinary. But for much of my life, I've remained in places where I was surrounded by them.

After living in Pittsburgh for the last ten months being surrounded by urban decay, I felt such comfort.

As a part of the Summer Reading Challenge I've committed myself to, I'm currently reading Under the Tuscan Sun by Frances Mayes. The author weaves her story of what it was like restoring an old farm house among olive groves and grape vines in Southern Italy. Thus far, I was having trouble really getting into it, but was struck by a few lines in particular. Mayes writes,

"Southerners have a gene, as yet undetected in the DNA spirals, that causes them to believe that place is fate. Where you are is who you are. The further inside you the place moves, the more your identity is intertwined with it."

via

While I would argue that this "gene" is not specific to Southerners, I absolutely believe in the truth of this statement. Tried as I did, to rebel against my country roots in high school and college, I'm finding it undeniable that the country is who I am.

I am not suited for city living. I can't stand the hectic pace, the noise, the traffic. I crave a home where I am greeted by honks and waves by passing neighbors as I pull into the driveway. Where I am able to escape the busy-ness of humanity and escape to pray amidst the flora and fauna of God's creation. Where I can be at peace.

Pittsburgh, it's been an experience, to say the least. But my heart lies elsewhere. I guess I'm a country girl, after all.

View from my hometown back porch- Cato, NY

5.14.2012

Why I Hate the U.S. Military


I realize I stand to get a lot of flack from people who deem my thoughts harsh and unpatriotic, but this has been weighing on my heart for some time and I finally feel I have the courage to talk about why I hate the U.S. military.

via

John
When I was in high school I had a best friend who I'll call John. He was the big brother I never had and we teased each other mercilessly. We told each other things we had never told anyone else and were two peas in a pod. When I met John he had just arrived home from his deployment in Iraq. His thoughts and feelings toward what he had experienced were never expressed. All I knew was that he was happy to be home.

Over time, John and I continued to be close. At times maybe a little flirtatious, but our relationship was innocent and I continued to support him as he served while he teased me about my lack of a love life. When I was a sophomore in college, John was deployed a second time to Afghanistan. A month before he was expected home, his barracks were bombed. He lost several of his Army brothers, many were injured and John was never the same. I went to his friend's funeral and saw him once after that and we spent the night talking about his experience and I tried to imagine what he had gone through. I couldn't. That was the last time I talked to him. Despite my efforts, John has cut ties with everyone but immediate family, including me. It's as if by erasing the people who were in his life during that time, he can erase the pain of what he endured.

Jeff
Although "Jeff" and I went to the same high school, I didn't really become friends with him until after I went to college. We had many mutual friends and during a summer at home became friendly as well. Jeff was always a little weird, but you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who said a bad thing about him. He was fun, positive and happy-go-lucky. He lacked direction, but was incredibly smart. While I was still in college, he enlisted.

I have always supported my troops and did so by writing him letters and sending care packages. I may not have agreed with his decision, but I was going to love the crap out of him and make sure he knew it. When he came back, he really had nothing bad to say about his time in Afghanistan, in fact he said at times, he missed it. But something was different. Jeff had become mean, cynical and negative. He was not ashamed to admit he was certain he had PTSD. Recently, I unfriended him on Facebook. I was tired of his rude comments, his mean attitude and his snarky outlook on everything and everyone.

Joe
"Joe" was a friend I met after moving to Ohio. He was an integral cog in the friend group I had become immersed in and while he was pretty quiet and reserved toward me, he had a fabulous sense of humor. He loved photography, his friends and his beautiful daughter. Everyone who met him loved him. Joe had served in the Army before I ever met him. It was pretty well-known that his experience had been trying and he had a history of depression.

In September 2011, several months after meeting him, Joe posted a video to his Facebook account saying good-bye to his friends and family. Soon after, Joe went to a range, rented a gun and shot himself in the head. Days later, I sat in a pew as the Priest conducting his service visibly broke down in tears as he tried to reconcile what had driven Joe to the point of suicide.

Please support the Wounded Warrior Project.

Why do I hate the U.S. military? Because it takes promising young men and women and breaks them down. It targets and exploits minorities who feel they have no better options and uses them as drones. It ruins the lives of soldiers and their family and friends. 

Perhaps I'm not the best person to be expressing my views against the military, but in some ways I am. I've lost friends because of war. Because of this barbaric tradition of robbing families of their daughters and sons,  brainwashing them into believing that killing anyone is okay and masking it in patriotism. 

There is so much more I could say on this subject, and maybe, if I'm feeling brave enough some other day, I will. But for now if you'd like to know more about my thoughts on war and the military, read the words of one of my favorite Christian leaders who expresses his concerns much more eloquently than I ever could: Shane Claiborne: The Economic Draft.

And pray for our troops.

5.13.2012

Sunday Blessings: Mother's Day Edition

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful Mommy's out there! There's one in particular that I'd like to recognize today- my own Mommy, of course! So in counting my Sunday Blessings, here are the ways my beautiful Mommy continues to bless me...


(Bee)autiful Blessings


moolah
It always stinks going to your parents when the going is a little rough, but my Mom has miraculously been able to push us toward independence while still being there when we need help. I honestly don't think there's any way we'd be able to have a wedding without her!

support
I've said it once and I'll say it again. My mother is solely to blame for my gypsy spirit. The times when I've wanted to go flitting off to some African country, I've only been met with understanding, support and love.

Christmas 2008

wisdom
I am stubborn. I hate taking advice from anyone and would love to believe I have all the answers. Unfortunately, my Mom's foresight is uncanny and she always knows better than I. (Just don't tell her I said that.) She's the one I continually lean on for advice about my relationship and upcoming nuptials.

faith
I've shared my testimony countless times and said that I didn't really have a foundation for my faith until high school when we started going to Youth Group. But today, I'm here to set the record straight. While I was getting into trouble with my loser friends, my Mom all but dragged me to the Church every Sunday evening. Had she not, who knows if I would not have the relationship with Jesus that I do.

Engagement Weekend 2011

love
Above all else, my Mommy exemplifies what it means to be a mother. She has loved us unconditionally and continues to sacrifice just about everything for us.

I love you Mommy! Happy Mother's Day!

5.06.2012

Sunday Blessings XVI



(Bee)autiful Blessings

 

Today's Sunday Blessings are brought to you from the cornfields of Upstate New York. AKA: My hometown. I'm spending the weekend here while my Mommy is hard at work altering my wedding dress, showering me with fun newlywed kitcken necessities, and solving all the wedding-related questions I have floating around in my head while my younger sister and I giggle and act like we're kids again. Needless to say, I have a lot to be grateful for...
 
family
My Mom and my sister are my best friends. Hands down. It's fun as I get older to realize how similar I am to my Mom. I have her temper and her figure, her shyness and her youthfulness, her sweetness and her love. She's a wonderful lady who continues to bless me. And then there's Kelly, there's not a soul out there more similar to me than she and she's always good for a laugh or two or five.
 
wedding
Dress? Check. Shoes? Check. Plan for my cake? Check. Just being within proximity of my Mom somehow seems to accomplish wedding to-do's. She's so detail oriented (one of the few things I didn't inherit) that it makes my bridal job description a little less overwhelming.
 
love
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I can't wait for my Boo's snuggles on Monday night!

5.03.2012

Birthday(s) Photo Dump

I may be 1+ week late, but better late than never, right?!

Sadly, the only picture I took en route to Ohio for our fun-filled
birthday/end-of-the semester shenanigans!

My birthday: I came home to Cincinnati Chili, ice cold
Coronas and seasons 4 & 5 of Friends! 

All dressed up for Chuck's birthday present:
Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert!

Clearly excited for TSO!

Trans-Siberian Orchestra.
The show was called Beethoven's Last Night- SO GOOD!

I had to document the fact that I'm an 80-year old woman who
sneaks orange slices into a concert to snack on so we don't
have to buy over-priced, greasy food!

In short- my 24th birthday was one of the best because I have the love of the most wonderful man. 23 was such a phenomenal year for me, but something tells me that 24 may just edge it out for the best year ever!
CUSTOM BLOG DESIGN CREATED BY PRETTYWILDTHINGS