Confessions of a Boring Almost-Wife

Since the beginning of the semester I've had my mind made up about my summer plans. I found a program that focused on sustainable agriculture, nutrition and HIV/AIDS education in...Tanzania! Umm hello...perfect much?! Ever since I got back from Uganda I've been dying to return to Africa. In what capacity I wasn't sure, I just knew I wanted to return to a life of simplicity and significance.

So far, it's been a battle working with my academic adviser and program director to figure out logistically how this would work. Last night I got the good news- assuming I fill out a billion internship, study abroad and financial aid forms for my school, this trip should go off without a hitch! This is where the panic and dread set in...

This whole time I was half-expecting not to be able to go. So when the reality set in that I might be spending two months away from my beloved, my enthusiasm quickly evaporated. I'll be the first to admit that I tend to romanticize my time in Uganda. Yes, it was life-changing. Yes, it gave me a greater perspective on the world. Yes, it made me realize how incredibly blessed I am. 

But the truth is I spent most of my four months being some combination of overwhelmed, sick and/or depressed. Life in sub-Saharan Africa (from my experience) is hard. It is physically demanding, emotionally exhausting, spiritually draining and sometimes, downright scary.  The thought of an African adventure doesn't appeal to me the same way it did to naive Kaity circa 2008. 

Exhibit A: Infected mosquito bites & malaria pills.

I want to travel and see the world; always have, always will. But I'm beginning to realize that the Bohemian gypsy I like to think of myself as has been traded in for a future-Mommy, almost-wife. I always talk about the fact that I never saw myself getting married. I thought sure I was going to pour all of myself into a jet-setting career, maybe adopt some African babies as I matured, but ultimately I had no expectations of falling in love or getting hitched.

Then I met Chuck and things changed. Chuck opened up the possibility of love in my life. He made me see that all the things I never thought I would have weren't due to a lack of desire, but due to a fear of failure. By setting myself up for a loveless life I was eliminating the possibility of a broken heart when it didn't happen. Chuck has given me the greatest gift of all: hope and belief that not only does love exist, but I'm someone who deserves it. 

The anxiety that I've been experiencing in light of two months abroad may be an overreaction. Or it may be a realization that my days of flying solo and traveling as a means of feeling significant are behind me. This isn't to say that I'm done with adventure in my life. But I'm beginning to feel much more content with the idea of settling into a life with my one true love, and maybe even popping out some big-headed ginger babies along the way. 

I don't need a gypsy spirit to be significant, because Chuck proves my significance every day.

The boy sure can make me smile...

I Blog For Me

With giveaways, memes and link-ups abundant, it becomes easier and easier to lose sight of why this blog exists. When I created it three years ago it was merely a place for me to share my travel stories with friends and family stateside. I was not thinking about who would guest post in my absence or what my stats would be. I was in the midst of a cross-cultural adventure and wanted to have a means of remembering every moment of it.

My fellow Americans and I praying on the success of the Ugandan internet. (I'm in the middle on the couch)

As time elapsed and Uganda was something of a distant memory, my blog became the place for me to rant & rave, to share my joys and triumphs but mostly just to record this crazy, beautiful roller-coaster of a life I lead. 

I've been writing for as long as I can remember. My Grandma would give us "assignments" that we would half-grumble about because you're not supposed to have homework in the summertime! But the truth was, I lived for the poems about Cape May, the things I loved about my family and the everyday musings of a prepubescent child. 

There's something about writing that has always made me feel significant; like my life was worth documenting. Blogging was the means by which I could share my significance with those who could relate to it, or who could maybe even be inspired by it.

Although this blog is anything but consistent and my posts can range in topic from recipes, relationship tales and bucket list accomplishments, at the end of the day there is one thing that can be said about my blog.

I blog for me.

Let's Talk about Sex

It has come to my attention as of late that there are people in Chuck and my life who hold the belief that because we are not yet married and living under the same roof, that we are "living in sin". I can't judge them or look down upon them, because honestly, before I met Chuck, I held the same belief. But when Chuck came into my life, a lot of things changed...

It's my impression that the reason for this belief is an understanding that those who live together and haven't yet been married are engaging in pre-marital sex. And although it is nobody's business but my own, I admit that Chuck and I have engaged in activities usually left to married couples. I am not apologetic. 

Before meeting Chuck, I was completely mistrusting of men. I'd been misused and abused by men I called "father," "friend" and "boyfriend." 50% of the reason behind my abstention from sex was because of moral values and 50% was because of fear and mistrust. I never saw myself making love or getting married because I never believed I would find a man who was trustworthy, selfless and kind. A man who wouldn't wind up hurting me. The night Chuck and I first met, before the attraction even set in, it took me all of 30 seconds to realize that Chuck was that kind of man. 

And so, eventually, we did it. Although I did not wait to have sex until marriage, I waited to find my husband. When I confided in one of my best friends that Chuck had stolen my V-card, her Christian faith did not leave her to judge or chastise me, rather, she congratulated me. She knew of my fears and trust issues, and believed that the fact that I was able to give myself to Chuck was a testament to the level of faith I had in him, and a milestone for me, that I had allowed myself to be vulnerable with the man who would wind up being my husband.

I recently renewed my Netflix subscription and have been re-watching all of my favorite episodes from Glee. The episode "Sexy" is perhaps one of my favorites because of the sex talk Kurt and his father share. It goes a little something like this:

Burt Hummel: Now for most guys sex is, just, ya know this thing we always want to do. Ya know, its fun, feels great, but we're not really thinking too much about, ya know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or ya know, how the other person feels about it.

Kurt Hummel: Women are different?

Burt Hummel: Only because they get that its about something more than just the physical. Ya know, when you're intimate with somebody, in that way, you're exposing yourself, ya know, you're never gonna be more vulnerable, and that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can't tell you how many buddies I've got who have gotten way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up. 

Kurt Hummel: But that's not going to happen to me, Dad.

Burt Hummel: No, it's gonna be worse. Because its two guys. With two guys you got two people who think that sex is just sex. Its gonna be easier to come by. And once you start doing this stuff you're not going to want to stop. Yah just...you gotta know that it means something. You know, its doing something...to you, to your heart, to your self-esteem, even though it feels like...you're just having fun.

Kurt Hummel: So you're say I shouldn't have sex?

Burt Hummel: I think on your 30th birthday it is a great gift to yourself...Kurt, when you're ready, I want you to be able to ...do everything. But when you're ready I want you to use it as a way to connect to another person. Don't throw yourself around, like you don't matter. 'Cause you matter, Kurt.

This scene made me question what I'll say to my kids when it's time for "the talk." Will I preach abstinence-only? Will I tell them to wait for "The One"? Will I tell them my own story and pray that they'll wait until they're ready? I don't know yet. But I do hope that I'm able to reflect the same love, grace and compassion that Burt Hummel conveyed to his gay son. 

I do know that for me, sex was a way to emotionally, physically and spiritually connect to the man that I'm going to be spending the rest of my life with. It was a way to be vulnerable and trust that I was giving everything I had to this man and he would give me his everything in return. I did not wait until my honeymoon, but I waited until I knew with no uncertainty that I had fallen in love and found my soulmate.

Guest Blog: Whitney's Tips for Nuptial Bliss

In honor of this oh-so-magical holiday, I asked one of my best friends and blossoming bloggers to share with me her tips for married life. If you're new to my blog, suffice it to say that before I met Chuck I had no plans to get married and as we prepare for our nuptials, I can use all the help I can get! 

The beautiful bride Whitney and her handsome hubby!

When asked to write this post I had no idea what to write. Having only been married for just over a year I am by no means an expert on love and being happily married. So bare with me as I do my best!

                

My husband and I have known each other since we were 14. After the four year long roller coaster ride that was our teen years we finally began dating when we were 18. We dated for four years. Four years of stomachs filled with butterflies, eyes filled with tears, moments filled with heartaches, and, more than anything, hearts destined to be together. It was definitely not an easy courtship, but we made it through.

                

The first year of marriage hasn’t been a smooth ride. Having dated for four years before saying ‘I do’ we were long passed the ‘Honeymoon Stage’. We were faced with many rather uncommon challenges. I have never been someone who easily opens up to people. I don’t like to share my feelings and I don’t like to tell people what I want. My husband is in the Marine Corps, doing intensive training to become a pilot and we were together for about three days in our new home before he was gone all day and studied all night. I knew no one. I had no car. I had no job. And I had a husband who was barely around. I was extremely unhappy during this time and I began to think that I could not live this life. There was just no way I could continue on the way we had been living and feel happy and fulfilled. I felt discouraged and defeated and had no idea what to do. We fought all the time, at times very intensely. We hurt each other and drove a wedge deeper and deeper between us. I thought ‘We’ve only been married four months and we’re already like this. This is going to be a disaster.’

                

It was around this time that we decided to try some marital counseling. While it was a big, humbling step to admit we needed some guidance, that we couldn’t figure this out ourselves, it was the best thing we could have done for our relationship. From those few months we spent in counseling we truly grew as a couple and I grew as an individual. The most important thing I have learned so far is that if you want something from your spouse you have to ask for it. I would always get mad when my husband wouldn’t tell me about his day, or wouldn’t take me on dates, or wouldn’t help me with the housework. I figured they were just basic things that he should know I want. Regardless of what I thought was common sense or thought he should do, he honestly didn’t know that I wanted and needed some of the things that I longed for. People always say communication is the most important part of a marriage and it’s so true.

                

So here’s some of the things that have helped my marriage:

1. Ask your spouse for what you want and need. No matter how commonsensical it may seem, it may not be to them!
2. Don’t be too proud to seek and accept help from others more experienced than you. Those with long, successful marriages are your greatest resource. 
3. Put God first, your spouse second, and yourself last. God knows what is best for both of you. If you put your relationship in God’s hands, the rest will come together. Seek to meet the needs of your spouse and your own will not seem so important.
4. Some of the best advice about marriage I’ve ever heard was from my dad while he was performing a wedding. He said that historically most covenants or agreements were bilateral covenants. That is, it was a ‘I’ll keep up my end of the deal as long as you keep up yours’ kind of thing. This is how our world has come to see marriage. If our spouse doesn’t make us happy, if they don’t always treat us with respect, if they don’t always speak to us in love, then we rationalize that it’s ok to back out because they’re not holding up their end of the deal. The sacred covenant of marriage is not to be this way. It is to be two unilateral covenants, meaning that when you say ‘I do’ you’re not saying ‘I’ll do it as long as they do it’. You’re saying I promise to love, cherish, respect, and care for this person until death separates us, regardless of how many times they mess up.
5. My husband and I budget a specific amount of money each month designated for us to go on dates. This was super helpful for me because I’m the kind of person that always wants to be doing something and I love spending time doing things with my hubby! We found that we spent so much time and money on other things that we had little time and funds to enjoy activities together! Budgeting money for dates has really helped us make ‘us time’ a priority, as it should be!
6.  Probably the most valuable things I’ve learned is the importance of compromise. With my hubby’s demanding schedule we don’t often spend much time together other than Friday nights and Saturdays. As you can imagine, that got old after awhile. It wasn’t really possible for him to make more free time or to make more hours in a day. So we decided to step a little out of our comfort zones. I began going to the gym with him! While I’m sure I’m not the best spotter for his bench press and I definitely don’t love the gym, it enables to do something together that is good for us and gives us time to talk together. Plus, working toward a common goal (losing that newlywed 15) really helped strengthen our relationship.

So there it is. Perhaps not the most insightful of advice, but this is what I’ve found has helped my husband and I have a better relationship. All relationships are different, with different strengths and weaknesses. What we’ve found to make our relationship closer to bliss may not be what others need. But I think all marriages have a common need for love, excitement, trust, friendship, and forgiveness. Pretty simple concepts really, achieving and keeping these themes is another story! May all of you find what keeps your relationship strong, happy and full of love not only February 14^th, but every day!

If that's not love I don't know what is...

My BFNSCF (Best Friend and Neighbor in our Senior Community Forever) is my first close friend to tie the knot and I've continued to look up to her as a model for a beautiful and Godly marriage. If you'd like to know about her visit her blog here. Love you, Whitney!

Be My Valentine

So as I've mentioned at least 80 times in the last few days, Chuck and I celebrated Valentine's Day early last night and let me say that IT. WAS. AWESOME. I randomly found out that the Pittsburgh Zoo was having a V-Day dinner special that included a yummy looking menu, open bar, presentation on *Love in the Animal Kingdom* and possums, sea otters and sharks. Oh my! 

Here's a walk-through of our night...

Another amazing Plato's Closet find!

I had no idea but Chuck had never been to an aquarium before! I couldn't keep him away from the shark tank!

Yeah, that's a shark swimming behind us.

So excited about animals!!!

Mandatory kissy pic.

There was also a caricature artist. I look like a babe!

Cute conversation heart centerpieces.

One last picture before ripping off our fancy frocks :)

The Frugal Fashionista

I have never written a fashion blog because, quite simply, I'm not very fashionable. However, I do believe that there is something to be said for looking cute on a budget. I am someone who cannot justify spending $40 on a blouse. First of all, I'm not a big fan of child labor. Secondly, to spend that much money on clothing seems frivolous and wasteful if you ask me. I am not too proud to wear secondhand clothing which is why I love Plato's Closet.

Unfortunately, no, I am not receiving any compensation for this post, but that won't stop me from promoting it! Plato's Closet could easily be described as a "classier" Goodwill. You can sell your gently used brand name items in return for cash or store credit and then customers such as myself get to buy them for at least half the price they originally cost in the store! Take a look at my most recent PC-inspired ensemble:

Granted, the pictures are not great. I was balancing my little Nikon on a Yankee Candle! The dress ($14), sweater (Express, $10) and boots ($12) were all from Plato's Closet! Does this outfit make me the next Vera Wang? Not so much. But for about $40 I pulled off a pretty cute look if I do say so myself. If your inner fashionista is crying out against your student, post-grad or new Mommy budget, I highly recommend Plato's Closet and the good news is, they're everywhere!

An Engagement Story

Chuck and I had only been dating for about four months when we realized we wanted to marry each other. If I had to place the pinnacle moment that our mutual epiphanies struck it was walking hand-in-hand through the berry fields of our friend’s farm being hopelessly in love and having our first discussion of a future together.

A couple weeks later we decided to take advantage of the Memorial Day weekend by paying a visit to my friends and family in New Jersey. We spent our nights with my Grandma whom I hadn’t seen in over a year and then spent the day with my two best friends from college in Ocean City. After a fun filled day with my besties enjoying Mac & Manco’s pizza, soaking up some sun and splashing around in the ocean I mentioned to him that my favorite place in the world, Cape May, was only about 20 minutes away. He insisted that we visit, even if just to have dinner and stick our toes in the sand before returning to my Grandma’s house.

He fell in love with the place. Everything that I adored about Cape May: the beautiful beaches, the Victorian architecture, all the fun shops lining the boardwalk, he instantly picked up on. Upon our departure, he insisted that we return again as soon as possible.

After some planning we made the decision to return to Cape May (for more than a few hours) Labor Day weekend. For weeks, Chuck could not stop talking about our planned trip. I loved his enthusiasm but as someone terrible at surprises and being discreet I thought his excitement was a little overboard.

One day, as we were sitting in my apartment being lovey-dovey as usual, he blissfully sighed, “I can’t wait for Labor Day weekend.” To which I replied, “Why, because of Cape May?” Fumbling over his words he awkwardly responded, “Oh…umm…yeah, because of Cape May.”

The instant he left the room, I texted my sister, “The proposal in Cape May is a sure thing!” The next morning, needing to get a hold of his Mom, Chuck borrowed my phone. Later that night, having seen the message I sent to my sister, he asked me, “So…do you know how I’m going to propose to you?” “Umm…yeah.” “How did you know?! Did Joni [his sister] tell you?” Of course Joni never would have spilled the beans- he was just so obvious!

So for the next several weeks, I anticipated my engagement. Leading up to Labor Day weekend, I really had no feelings at all about it. It was strange. No excitement, no nervousness, just a sense of calm and contentment.

The day of, my mom and sister met up with us at our hotel in Cape May and shortly after, my two best friends met up with us again for a day filled with delicious seafood, walks along the boardwalk and lots of fun in the sun! By sunset, I was exhausted. Chuck had mentioned walking to the lighthouse after dinner, but I kept trying to talk him out of it because it was about a 3-mile walk and I was pooped! He kept insisting and I kept resisting until my mom and sister finally pushed me to go.

We got back to our hotel to regroup after dinner and I was still trying to talk him out of it. He gave me a compromise and asked if we could just walk along the beach for a little bit. All the while I kept thinking, “Doesn’t he realize how tired I am? Why can’t he just propose tomorrow?” Yeah, I know. I’m ridiculous. But I eventually conceded.

We walked a short distance to a line of Adirondack chairs overlooking the ocean. As I sat taking in the view of the lighthouse, full moon and ocean waves, Chuck spoke. “So, there’s a reason I brought you out here…” and proceeded to kneel down in front of me. I have very little recollection of anything he said after that as my heart beat faster than I ever thought possible and tears sprung to my eyes. What was I doing? I knew this was going to happen, so why was I reacting like this?

I sat there, a blubbering idiot as Chuck waited for what probably seemed like an eternity for me to get my act together. All I could do was keep apologizing for being a complete mess and hugging his neck. Finally, after about 5 minutes of a complete emotional breakdown I responded, “Oh! Yes!”

The night was chilly and we only stayed on the beach long enough for me to admire the new addition to my ring finger before knocking on my Mom and sister’s hotel room door and sharing the news. I discovered then that not only had Chuck engraved the day’s date in the silver ring box (he had to propose on that day!), but being as nerve wracked as he was, completely forgot to pack the celebratory wine he had planned. My sister, who had packed for her return to college following the trip, however, had brought with her a bottle of “Orange Dream” mixer.

So we toasted our engagement with shots of vodka-y, liquid Dreamsicle. It was a ridiculous, hilarious and absolutely perfect drink for our ridiculous, hilarious and absolutely perfect engagement. 

Granny Lovin'

Despite my good intentions, this blog is arriving a little later than anticipated due to the sheer craziness of my course load this semester. But I couldn't let this adorable moment slip away...

*Written January 28*

I arrived home last night, a little bit perplexed as to why there was a package perched atop my mailbox. I had already received the books I ordered online and wasn't expecting anything from my Mom. When I looked at the return address label, I noticed it was from my Grandma. To provide a bit of background, my "Grandma" is not really my Grandma. She's the mother of my mom's mean ex-husband who was our saving grace during the times when his abuse took its toll. She provided us a safe haven when we needed it and now, seven years after the dissolution of my mom's second marriage, this amazing, kind and Godly woman will always be my Grandma.

I busted inside my apartment, searching for anything in the kitchen sharp enough to puncture the stellar tape job she had done to this mystery package. Having attacked it with a random steak knife, I opened it to find a stack of cookbooks and cooking magazines with an envelope lain across. Inside the envelope was a note that read, 

Dear Kaity,

Upon cleaning up after the holidays I came across these cooking books and I thought of you. Seeing your getting ready to be a future wife and homemaker, I hope they will be of some use for you and Chuck. Meantime I pray that thing are going well for you both and you become a terrific cook. Keep in touch.

Love, Gram

And there you have it: sweetest woman alive. Although my inner-feminist slightly cringed at the thought of being looked at as a "homemaker," I was so deeply touched by this small gesture. With a handful of cookbooks, my Grandma managed to convey to me the support of my blossoming relationship, hope for my future and her love for me as her "unofficial" grandchild.

Me, Grandma and Kelly circa 2006

Honeymoon Plans!

Can you guess where? Well, if you can't- two nights ago we put down a deposit for our honeymoon in...Jamaica! 

I'd seen Ocho Rios featured in a Travel Channel special on Jamaica. After seeing the birthplace of Bob Marley, bobsledding through the jungle, Dunn's River Falls- I was sold! It didn't take much convincing to get Chuck on board as well.

Since we're working on a very small budget, we're forgoing the traditional gift registry and asking that our friends and family help us have the honeymoon of our dreams through a honeymoon registry on Sandals.com. See it here.

And in other news...my Mom finally received my wedding dress in the mail on Monday! She bought it and had it sent to her house so the groom couldn't sneak a peek! I ordered it off of Etsy from a woman in Mexico and after a lack of communication and a long delivery wait, we weren't sure we'd get it at all. But it came, it came! Mommy says it's beautiful. 

I'm so thrilled wedding plans are oh-so-slowly coming together. I'm about as disorganized and indecisive as they come, so to know that we're making progress is a huge relief. Stay tuned for more to come in the next 7 months!