Typically, Belatedly Thankful

Woo! A week has come and gone and the holidays have left me utterly neglectful!

My Thanksgiving break was much needed in more ways than one. So in typically belated fashion, these are the reasons I was so incredibly blessed and thankful for my holiday vacation...

[One] After a month apart, I got a whole week with the hubs!

[Two] Though short-lived, my Mommy and sister got to spend some time with my in-laws and see why I've fallen so in love with that small, Ohio town.

[Three] Friend dates! Time spent with friends I hadn't seen in months was glorious.

[Four] Breaking Dawn: Part 1. My hubs indulged my inner teenie bopper and took me to see it. He's so good to me :)

[Five] Engagement/Christmas pictures! We killed two birds with one stone and a family friend was kind enough to take us around Wilmington for what are sure to be beautiful pictures.

[Six] Both our parents divulged that they were planning to help us pay for our big day. We are so blessed!

[Seven] Music. Open Mic & Saturday Night Live. Two reasons I love the music-oriented community of my hometown.

[Eight] Time spent bonding with my future family. I'm getting a whole host of brothers and sisters in the near future and I'm so ecstatic! They're an amazing group of people.

[Nine] Food. 90% of the time I'm a good little vegetarian. But when I'm immersed in my carnivorous future family, I indulge...a lot. And I don't regret it for a second!

[Ten] CHRISTMAS PRE-GAMING. Christmas decorating, Christmas music, Christmas movies...I love it all!

I am Woman; Hear me Roar!

I'm not sure why, but for whatever reason, lately I've been confronted with the evil of sexism. At my place of work, I am often looked down upon, treated as incompetent, as a sex object or just plain subordinate. Today, after a very silly mistake was made by an instructor where I work that I corrected, he proceeded to claim that it was a result of "the world turning to shit" after "they learned to drive and started to vote." They, as in women. I had never before been so insulted and so enraged by someones's ignorance.

I believe in the equality of all people. Regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. God lovingly created every person on this earth and delights in our individual uniqueness and diversity. So it comes as a shock to me when others have the audacity to say that anyone should be treated as inferior.

I love men. I do. I love their strength. Their intellect. Their ambition. But would I ever want to be one? Heck no! There is something so beautiful and sacred about women and their unique femininity. Regardless of how the message has been perverted, women are universally seen as a source of beauty. We are the voice of compassion and sacrificial love in the world. We were intentionally created to stand beside men and to be their source of strength when all had been drained by the evils of the world.

One of my favorite books is Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by Stasi Eldredge. In it, she writes, 

"You see, women have been essential to every great move of God. Yes, Moses led the Isaelites out of Egypt, but only after his mother risked her life to save him! ...Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin put fire into people's heart to end slavery in the United States...Mother Teresa inspired the world by bringing love to countless thought unlovable. And millions of other women quietly change the world every day by bringing the love of God to those around them.”

As women, we are called to be the voice of God. In a world of hurt and brokenness, we are called to repair, restore and radiate the love of Jesus. Our compassion, our nurturing nature and our emotions are not a sign of weakness. They are a gift from God. And as a recipient of this tremendous and wonderful gift, 

Ladies, it's up to us to change the world!

My Twisted Thoughts

I'm willing to bet most people don't know the story behind the name of my blog. And I'm honestly ashamed that it's taken me this long to open up about it, so here goes...

When I was about 10 years old, my Mommy re-married a very mean man. He drank too much, yelled too loud, and hit too hard. He made life as a blossoming young girl very dark and difficult. He was much of the reason I became depressed, self-medicated and self-harmed. He led me to believe that I was ugly, dumb and worthless. He hurt me, broke me and scarred me. For  a very long time, I hated my life, hated the world and hated myself.

Then, around 15, a new man entered my life. He radiated love and showed me the beauty within myself I had never known. He allowed me to be joyful and allowed me to be free from my hurt and brokenness. He earned the trust that I never thought I could give to a man. He was perfect. He was Jesus Christ.

Since meeting him, I have grown to truly see how beautiful the world is. He's shown me the extent of his love for me, and my Brothers and Sisters. He's allowed me to see my own capacity to love. I have never felt such hope, peace and joy than when I allowed Jesus Christ to enter my heart.

There are two songs that align so perfectly with the way I feel about my faith. There's a song by Todd Agnew called Something Beautiful. The lyrics that speaks to me goes,

"It's funny how all I can be, is someone completely ugly, but then when you look at me, you don't see a wretch, you see a reflection of something beautiful."

Sometimes I can be such an awful person. I get pleasure out of gossiping about others' misfortunes. I scream and cuss when someone cuts me off while driving. I go about my everyday life thinking 99% about myself and claim to be compassionate. There are times when I am quite simply, an ugly person. But then I'm reminded of the beauty of God. The God who created me in His image. The God who sees the beauty I possess because I was lovingly and intentionally created by He who created the heavens and the earth. And I am humbled.

The second song is a song by Flyleaf called So I Thought. The song in and of itself is so beautifully poetic and then at the very end, there's a line that says,

"And all these twisted thoughts I see, Jesus there in between."

A perfect name for a blog devoted to all my crazy, confuzzled and sometimes nonsensical thoughts. Nevertheless, in all I do Jesus is there with me. He is guiding me, teaching me, but most importantly loving me. He is the reason I hope. He is the reason I write. And He is the reason I love.

So i thought(live) -Flyleaf by n0vule

Anything but Love

Last night I had a long overdue conversation with one of my best friends. I went on about work, grad school, and of course, wedding planning. I caught myself gushing about my hubs and just sat there smiling at how much I've changed in the last year. We both remarked that if someone had told me a year ago I'd be where I am now, I probably would've told them to shut up.

On the one hand, I can't believe I've turned into the girl my cynical self used to mock and berate. On the other, I don't care in the least because 1) I'm happier than I've ever been and 2) I fell in love with my soulmate when I never thought I would. Those who know us together have attested to witnessing our compatiblity and the love we have for each other. I've found that those who don't however, seem skeptical and attribute our relationship to young, recklessness.

While her statement was not at all ill-intentioned, my friend commented that she and another friend had placed bets that I would be pregnant right after we were married or even before. She had every reason to say this: Chuck and I have been talking about our inevitable big-headed, ginger babies for months. But I was kind of hurt when I detected that her statement may have been made out of a belief that I was going into this commitment recklessly with no sort of rationale or regard to things outside my relationship.

I am, without a doubt, spontaneous and free-spirited. I'm indecisive and change my life's plan every week. I can see why anyone might assume that I'm rushing into this union. Maybe they're right. But I am not apologetic. I spent my entire life believing that I was unworthy and undeserving of love. When I found someone whose love for me was so great that it left me with a better understanding of God's unconditional love- there was no way I was letting it go.

I have no plans to get preggo any time soon. I am ambitious, intelligent and determined to succeed. I don't want to do anything that might jeopardize my career or the stability of my family. However, if we were to have an unexpected pregnancy, we would joyously welcome that baby into our lives. Whenever we decide to make little day-walkers, those babies will be the most blessed bundles of joy. They will know of the love of God, the love their parents have for each other and the love their Mommy and Daddy have for them.

Life is too short to do anything but love.

Sunday Blessings IV

I'm not going to lie. This week has not been an easy one. The distance between Chuck and I has really taken a toll on me. I went for two days, ignoring his phone calls because I got to the point where if I had to have one more conversation over the phone I was going to have a conniption. Probably not logical to most people, but it made sense at the time.

So despite the drama, despite the stress and despite the crummy weather, I will continue to thank God for all the silver linings. There are far worse things I could be complaining about and I'm so humbled that I've been been the recipient of God's grace and mercy when I've done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

So here goes...

holidays

I am that obnoxious person that starts blasting "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" on November 1st. There's something about the magic of Christmas that I just can't get enough of. It's that time of year when the whole family does absolutely nothing but be together. When Kelly and I get all bundled up and spend hours playing in the snow. When everyone is fully aware of God's unconditional love in their lives. Christmas is like crack to me.

wedding

I remain completely indecisive and clueless about putting together this wedding, but I know one thing: I have my wedding shoes! I ordered them about two weeks ago and they finally came! Trying them on helped to reignite my excitement about our nuptials and feel like I've done something to begin preparations.

friends

I had the most hilarious conversation last night with a friend in Ohio. It was much needed as I've missed her, and Wilmington in general, tremendously. I have this weird complex where I still view myself as an outsider within my Ohio group of friends so to be missed is an awesome feeling. I can't frickin' wait to go back for Turkey Day!

love

I had a conversation with my Mommy the other day about Chuck and my relationship. It so helped to put things in perspective for me. I told her that if God forbid, things were to ever end between us, I honestly believe that there's no chance I'd ever be able to find someone who loves me as much and treats me as well as he does. He is patient. He is understanding. He is, without a doubt, my biggest blessing.

Being a Long Distance Lover

Current state: Frustrated. Deprived. Lonely. Exhausted.

I believe in using my blog for the sake of thinking about the positives and sharing my joys with those who may be just bored enough to read it. Just kidding! Today though, I'm being cranky for a cause. Consider this my plea to my fellow bloggers: How did/do you handle long distance?!

I've been dating my love for almost a year. Six of those months we've been separated. That's over half of our relationship. Until now, I'd say I've handled it rather well. I'm a very independent person and I can handle living by myself, being in a new city with no acquaintances. As Month 6 shows it's ugly face, however, it's admittedly taking it's toll. I want my fiance to live in the same city. I want to share the same bed. I want to have a face-to-face conversation. I know that 6 months isn't that long, and we do talk on a daily basis. My hubby's life is not in peril. I know I have it good in comparison to many wifeys out there. But the truth is...I'm exhausted.

I just want my love!

My intention in writing this wasn't to whine (well, maybe a little), but honestly, I'm begging for any advice.

If you've dealt with a long-distance relationship, how did you cope?

Gamophobia- Fear of Marriage

I'll be honest- I love my fiance more than I ever thought I could love a person. He's every romantic cliche ever used: my best friend, my soul mate, the person who loves me for exactly who I am (weirdly enough). I can't wait to travel with him, make babies with him and spend our lives together. There is no one else in the world I'd choose to spend my days with (not even Michael Jordan!). 

And yet, the thought of our marriage scares the bejeezus out of me! 

I have always been rather conservative when it comes to romance and relationships. I had my first kiss at 18. My first boyfriend at 20. I lost my virginity at 22...to none other than my fiance. I was never the girl that wanted or needed a boyfriend. I was either going to date someone I could envision a future with, or be single. In fact, I was so steadfast in these beliefs that I had planned my whole life without a leading man. Then Chuck came along and kind of messed up my plans.

Our first date together the topic of marriage came up. Not in a "we've known each other for 5 minutes and it was love at first sight" kind of way. But in a way that we both knew what each other's bottom lines were and if we decided to pursue a relationship it was because this is a person we could see devoting our lives to.

Obviously, we took dating seriously. And we both take marriage seriously. Divorce is not an option. I don't even like couples who joke about divorce because it puts the possibility out there. So as much as I love Chuck and can't wait to produce big-headed ginger babies with him, I'm fearful. I trust in my fiance's ability to be an amazing husband and father. What I doubt, is my own ability to stick it out when the going gets tough.

Having experienced life in an abusive household, my "fight" response is non-existent. My "flight" response, on the other hand, has served me well. My immediate response should any problem arise is to hide or run away from it. There is no conflict, no confrontation, I just ignore it until it goes away. The fact that I'm going to be legally bound to someone for the rest of my life, clearly doesn't fit in with my conflict resolution skills. This scares me.

So as the wedding details come together, and Chuck and I continue to grow in our love for each other, it's my honest and heartfelt prayer that God might teach me what it means to be a wife. What it means to have a marriage. What it means to stay beside someone through good times and bad. I know it will not be easy. There will be hard times, there will be tears. But by saying "I do," I will be telling my husband that despite my fears, despite my shortcomings, you are the person I want to travel through this beautiful, unpredictable and blessed life with.

Another Spoonful of Sunday Blessings

It's 11:00 AM and I've already finished and submitted a research project outline due tomorrow (I'm wayy ahead of the game!). It's a blessing in and of itself! So I thought I would continue on with this train of consciousness and take some time to count my...Sunday Blessings!

school

Unsurprisingly, the job vs. school dilemma rages on. There's solid reasons on both sides and I'm completely split and undecided as to what my future holds. But you know what? That's okay. Through this indecision, God continues to teach me about faith & trust. I don't know what God's plan for my life is. Try as I might to control my fate, I fail. When I attempt to imagine my life 5, 10, 20 years from now, I honestly can't. 90% of the time, it drives me nuts. But praise Jesus, that I'm not in charge of my destiny. For if He wasn't, what a boring and predictable life I'd have!

home

I HAVE HOT WATER! Is there really more that needs to be said? It's funny how it took giving myself a bath in my kitchen sink for me to realize how much I take this convenience for granted.

wedding

I feel as though as huge weight has been lifted in regards to our nuptials. Relieving ourselves of expectations has been so liberating and I can't wait to commit myself to my wonderful fiance...however we decide to do it!

love

This is more of a blessing wrapped around a prayer. Hubby has been going back and forth about his current position. He loves his job, he's damn good at it and we both love the financial security it's provided us. But as we embark on this new journey as man & wife, this long-distance relationship needs to end...ASAP! I know tons of wives of military and businessmen deal with much more extreme separation than we've been faced with. But that's not me. And it's certainly not us. I don't think it's too much to desire to wake up with my husband.

My prayer is that hubby might secure a job here with me so we could actually start our life together. The blessing is that I'm so excited for it to happen! I've been waiting for this moment for a long time and the thought that we may begin the new year sharing a home is enough to make me positively twitterpated!

I Don't Want a Wedding: Part 2

Shame on me! Two days and no blog? I can't believe I let it come to this, but I feel I have a good excuse. Firstly, I'm a grad student. Meaning, I'm in a constant state of stress and unpreparedness. Secondly, as my last post was a little...disgruntled, to say the least. I wanted to make sure my successive post had a little bit more resolution to it.

Needless to say, I'm no less frustrated with the extravagant and over-indulgent wedding industry. However, after talking to hubby and once again eerily reading each other's minds, we've come up with the following remedies:

1. Having a private ceremony. To me, the ceremony is an incredibly personal and intimate moment in both our lives. To share that with strangers just doesn't seem right to me. So as of this moment we're planning to have a ceremony for our families to take part in and an open reception to celebrate with everyone! This also give us more freedom as to when both are held. We can marry whenever. And we can have our reception when we're financially able to do so. It's incredibly liberating.

2. Scrapping the idea that I need a brand new dress. Two words: Recycled Bride. I buy all my clothes second-hand, it makes complete sense that I would buy a pre-owned dress! It's less costly, more eco-friendly and rids me of some of the guilt of spending an exorbitant amount of money on an article of clothing I'll wear one time.

3. Doing US. I actively started thinking about what matters to me and what matters to us. I would love to be the reason that our friends and family support an amazing cause. I decided that I love the idea of having a table at our reception with pictures of children in need of sponsorship through an amazing organization like Compassion International.

4. Giving up the wedding porn! I love Offbeat Bride, Green Wedding Shoes, Etsy, Pinterest, etc. But by looking at visions of other girls' dream weddings, it's only served to distract me from what I  want and who I am.

Those are my four steps thus far in the healing process. How have you remedied your wedding stress??



I Don't Want a Wedding!

Is it possible to throw a wedding that isn't...superficial?! 

That's what I'm trying to find out. As everyone knows I spent four months in Uganda. Not a jaw-dropping, earth-shattering, impressive amount of time. But enough for me to gain a sense of the plight of the world's poor in stark contrast to my own vast wealth and affluence. So in planning my wedding and looking at bridal gowns that cost the equivalent of my host Papa's yearly salary-I'm really struggling.

Neither the hubby or I are particularly keen on being the center of attention. Nor are we exactly "high maintenance" people. I never grew up picturing what my wedding dress would look like. I never even pictured who my groom would be. I honestly didn't really picture a wedding at all until Chuck entered my life. And even then, it wasn't the wedding I was thinking about, it was the marriage.

It's so easy to become swept up into the details of what our consumerist culture suggests a wedding should be. I seriously dislike wedding planning. I've tried to get in the spirit by becoming a Pinterest troll, but the truth of the matter is, I don't want a "wedding" as I believe our society defines it. I want to be outside, surrounded by the beauty of God's creation and testify to the love God has blessed me with. But most importantly, I want to be united with my future husband and my soul mate under my Holy Father. 

I don't want floral arrangements. I don't want Save-the-Dates. I certainly don't want to be in a crowd of people I've never met. I want a marriage. 

Fortunately for me, my hubby-to-be wants all those same things. Which is just one of the million reasons why I am so crazy in love with him. My prayer now is that as future man-and-wife, Chuck and I might stay true to this vision; that our union might represent who we are as a couple. That we wouldn't be swayed to cater to those around us and that above all else, our irrevocable love will continue to glorify God for the rest of our days.