Lately, I've been in a funk. And it seems that slowly, but surely, people in my life are also drifting into a similar funk. Which only serves to make me more...funky. I've tried countless times to pinpoint the root of my funk. Most days, I get no where. Today, I'm making baby steps. 

Today is the day I admit that I'm afraid.

I'm afraid...that I will end up that nasty, jaded wife who sat a table over from us at lunch yesterday chastising her husband for his choice of restaurant. 

I'm afraid...that once Chuck sees me become a grumpy, cranky monster, he won't love me anymore.

I'm afraid...that the money I'm pouring into getting a Masters in Food Studies will only serve to leave me more in debt and with just as few career options as I have now.

I'm afraid...that if I don't get a job writing about food and hunger issues that I'll be utterly hopeless and insignificant.

I'm afraid...to read my Bible. I believe in God, but don't want to become familiar with His Word because I don't know how to reconcile the things written that I don't like.

I'm afraid...of losing the most important people in my life. Sometimes I wake up from nightmares where I've lost my mom, sister, or Chuck. I don't know a life without them and I never want to.

I'm afraid...of change. I can't continue working a minimum-wage paying job forever, but I'm afraid to leave.

I'm afraid...that I'm losing my spirit. The part of me that was so independent and self-sufficient is being stifled. And all that is left is a girl who is...afraid.


  1. I am sorry to hear about your funk and your fears. The thing about fears like these is that they can't really be combated effectively by well meaning people telling you to look on the brightside or appealing to reason (of COURSE he will still love you!).

    That was a nice lead-up like I was going to have the answer to what does work against those fears. I really don't. I've dealt with many similar in the past and I think each fear needs to be addressed in it's own individual way, but I think the fact that you can see those fears is a massive huge step. A whole lot of people can't even get that far.

    I DO want to weigh in on two things, though: If you have issues with the Bible and worrying about disagreeing with some of the writings, remember that there are many religions that are able to espouse love, condemn hate, and still hold the Bible up. I'm a Unitarian Universalist, I've read the Bible and revere Jesus, and I have no issues with the conflict, and there are many religions that might work for you UCC, maybe? If you're open to exploration, this might be the perfect time!

    I also found that religious exploration and finding a religion that truly spoke to me helped with a lot of those other fears.

    And education is always worth it in my opinion (and my student loan debt is more than my mortgage).

  2. Very honest post. I think we all feel these things at times. You can only do your best to combat the things you fear, and have faith that things will be alright with all the rest.

  3. "I'm afraid...to read my Bible. I believe in God, but don't want to become familiar with His Word because I don't know how to reconcile the things written that I don't like."

    I can relate to so many of the things you said today but this one more so because i struggle with it.

    i was raised as a christian but no longer lead a "christian life" or follow the religion at all. i have a lot of issues with religion and things written in the bible. i pray often and always feel as if there is a god and always feel a love in my heart for said god but im just.. in a weird place i guess.

    im on a spiritual journey but i don't know if i will ever be able to be religious. i dont know if you have ever seen the "why i hate religion but love jesus" on youtube but its amazing and really struck a chord with me.

    someday i'll figure it all out, aha.


  4. I think being in a funk is really normal- especially while in grad school. All of these fears are normal and I can totally relate. Change is scary, but it can also be really worth facing the fears.

  5. I can relate in so many ways! But just as everyone else, I guess I'll focus on the fear of reading the Bible. I think that if you can belong to a religion and absolutely agree with every single aspect of it, it's pointless. That simply means you've sought out a system of beliefs that support your existing ones. It's not seeking truth. You don't learn from it, it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't cause you to grow, it doesn't require faith. There are certainly things in the Bible that I am uncomfortable with, things I don't understand, things I don't like. But as Revelations tells us, we cannot add or subtract from God's word. It's an all-or-nothing deal. We don't have to like everything it says, but that's where faith comes in. For me, while I know others find it an incredibly unsatisfying answer, I simply press the "I believe button" (Faith like a child! Matthew 18:4--"Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."). If we as humans understood absolutely everything God did, said, and desired why would we need him? There would be nothing that separates us from Him, and further more, it wouldn't require faith. We don't have to have faith to believe that the sky is blue, or the grass green, or that we have 10 toes. But we do need faith to believe that God is in his very unchanging nature good, just, and worthy of our worship. From my perspective, if we can believe that God truly is those things (and he has to be because he claims to be and if there is one thing we can be certain God is not it's a liar) then we don't need to be concerned with all of the things we can't or don't want to comprehend. Perhaps in the things you may read that you don't like God may be challenging you to trust him, or to question your beliefs, or inviting you to question and search out things in his Word. I think so often we think that doubt and questioning are bad things, when in reality they're not. Those things are absolutely essential to growing in our faith and our relationship with Jesus Christ. But I'm right there with you in just not wanting to face it, just not wanting to even go there. My pastor is known for saying over and over that we make Christianity, God, and the Bible so complicated. In reality all we need to know is that He loves us, his son was sacrificed for us, and to accept him as the Savior that he is. We get so caught up in all the other small, insignificant details that we become divided, when we should be focused on just coming together in unity to show God's love to others.

    I am by NO means an expert and I'm 'preaching' to you just as much as I am to myself. But I hope you find some encouragement in knowing that you're not alone, not only in this fear, but in so many others.

  6. Very real post. Change is hard, but it is good. Thinking of you girl

  7. I am in a really similar place right now, I get this. Living with so much fear and anxiety is HARD. It's hard to explain to others and hard to cope with. But you aren't alone! Knowing that is the only thing that helps me with these funks.

  8. thanks for the book suggestion!