changes, changes...

I have a paralyzing phobia. Yes, snakes will make me burst into hysterical tears and run like I'm preparing for the Olympic games, but perhaps my biggest fear of all, is my fear of mediocrity. When I was in 9th grade I decided that I wanted to try out for my high school's cheerleading team. I quickly learned that in order to be a cheerleader you should probably be able to yell, jump and touch your toes. I could do none of those things. The good news was that I had found something that I was passionate about and could commit myself to until I was the best I could be. By the time I graduated high school, I was one of the best girls on my team and boasted the title of captain for four consecutive seasons. I saw what I wanted, did everything in my power to achieve it and I refused to fail.

In everything I've done whether it be cheerleading, academia or even travel, I've set my sights high and refused to fail. In the job market however, I feel that I am failing. I feel that my life is destined to be simply mediocre, and this thought terrifies me to my very core.

I have always felt called to greatness. My Grandma was an inspiration to me- she taught me the value of literature and instilled in me a love of learning. She also instilled in me the idea that I was a woman of exceptional skill, moral standing and intellect. When I became a Christian my world was transformed, I knew that life for me was bigger than what Cato, NY had to offer and that I was being called to change the world. When I began attending Eastern, I was immersed in a justice-centered gospel and I knew that I was meant to serve the underserved and be a voice for the voiceless.

With this framework, coupled with my unstoppable ambition I began seeking internships, learning about new cultures and pursuing jobs that would ensure that I was met with success, but more importantly that I was making a difference. As my AmeriCorps* VISTA term with the Grow Food, Grow Hope Garden Initiative comes to a close and as I prepare to begin working a data entry/customer service representative position, I'm finding myself plagued with feelings of failure and unworthiness.

I do believe in paying your dues and I guess, I should've better prepared myself to enter a troubled economy in which I may not be offered my dream job as soon as I graduated college. I suppose my unrest lies in that with my VISTA position, while I was not making a legitimate income to cover the extent of all my financial obligations, I was working directly with people who needed my assistance. I was teaching people lifelong skills. I was making a difference. I was proud to tell people the job that I was devoting my life to. I can't help but feel that by sitting at a desk from 8:30-5, I am no longer someone of great and noble character. Or someone who is touching lives. I am simply an indispensable robot. I am a failure. And I am insignificant.

Now as much as I'd like to end this post on that lovely, uplifting note, I'm not going to. I am not going to be the person who mopes around feeling sorry for themselves. I've tried that, and it's not nearly as fun as it sounds. Rather, I am going to snap myself out of this destructive thinking by:

1. Counting my blessings. I have the love of the most wonderful family and friends. Not to mention a wonderful, generous, too-good-to-be-true man who I fully intend on spending the rest of my life with.

2. By accepting the fact that there are circumstances outside of my control. The economy sucks for EVERYONE right now. Everyone my age is lacking vast experience to attract potential employers. Neither of these things is a reflection on my work ethic, drive or potential.

3. By making a difference, regardless of where I'm at or what I'm doing from 9-5 every day. This job is not permanent, and someday I will be in a career that is rocking the world. Until then I need to find my way to serve as I'm called to serve and love as I'm called to love.

I hope that to anyone who is similarly frustrated with complacency in their life, or is experiencing that reminiscent sense of defeat automatically associated with job-hunting you can be encouraged that as 20-somethings, our lives are simply beginning and only God knows the amazing journey that is in store for us. Until then, our only responsibility should be to enjoy the ride :)


In honor of my last week with Grow Food, Grow Hope. It's been an amazing year!


  1. My dearest Kaitybee - let me assure you of a few things.

    Number one: the fact that you've even landed this job right now is amazing. I have been job searching for six months and have not even gotten so much as a call back for an interview. I am beyond frustrated, broken and overwhelmed with a feeling of worthlessness. I haven't been jobless since I was 17. I haven't had to rely on anyone else to provide for me since I was 17. And now I have no sense of ownership or worth and it's terrible. I guess I have to learn to see this as a test of faith, but I'm getting extremely frustrated and feel helpless to do anything about it. So I guess what I'm saying is that while the actual job may seem mediocre, the fact that you have a simple nine to five job is actually quite enviable to a lot of us!

    Number two: the fact that you are so incredibly driven and desire so much to make a difference means you will never, ever be mediocre. You have such a good heart, full of Christ's love for people that others don't look twice at. I firmly believe you can be in a completely ordinary place doing extraordinary things. While it's not the large-scale world changing I know you desire, make the people you work with your project for the time being. Find a way to volunteer doing something you're passionate about. As long as you find some way to do what you love, you can endure the nine to five, at least for awhile!

  2. PS - did you see my picture on facebook of the rattle snake I saw?!

  3. I feel your pain!!! I also feel like my current job is not where I want to be, but maybe the economy will eventually get better and we can get jobs we love! Also just because your job is lame that has no affect on your character because that is part of you no matter what you do (unless of course your job is immoral and goes against what u believe which would be a problem). Even while doing a boring job, you can still do it to glorify God!

    On a completely unrelated note...I gotta say I am not a fan of this new font you have on here...it's annoying to read...just my opinion.