Baby Pep,
It all just seems so foreign. I've never been a "kid" person. It's like I'm missing that instinctual good-with-kids gene that I've seen in so many of my friends and family. The one who derives joy from pushing them on a swing for hours on end. Or rushes to their aid when they fall down and scrape a knee. Usually in these situations, I look around panicked, for someone more qualified than myself to calm this upset child and squelch their hurts.
Even your kicks seem like a physical manifestation and reminder of my inadequacy. Sure, there's a small part of me that derives reassurance from those little bumps inside my belly. The reminder being that you are still alive and developing. But more often then not, I find myself thinking, "Cut it out, kid! I'm trying to fall asleep, here." This can't be a normal reaction!
I'm concerned that by writing this, one day you will read this and feel like you were unwanted. And I wonder if it's appropriate of me to reveal these thoughts. But I guess I'm hoping that if I talk to you like I would a friend, or confidante, that maybe I can overcome this disconnect. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe another Mama or future Mama can relate to these words and I'll feel not so alone. I'm hoping that by writing this today, I will look back months from now in all of my new Mom glory and smile knowingly at my Pre-Mom self and think, "Sweetie, you have no idea how good it's about to get."
Love,
I think it's really, really normal to feel this way during your first pregnancy! You want the baby, but the unknown is unsettling, and there is NOTHING WRONG with that!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are completely normal, Mama! :) You look absolutely beautiful - I am so excited for you! I love following along :) I will be 31 weeks on Sunday, so we aren't too far apart! :)
ReplyDeleteBreanna
www.morethanloveblog.com
I read the post you linked to, and it made me cry to. I'm 15 weeks, but I too feel very scared and unsettled at times. Like, am I ready for this?! You aren't alone :)
ReplyDelete