2.15.2011

how to be?

I have a problem. I can’t sit still. No, really. It’s a problem.

I like to think of myself has a highly-driven and ambitious character; constantly working to create a legacy at my current post, regularly researching new articles and findings in food policy and international affairs and seeking out every school, volunteer and job opportunity to advance my career. Thus far, I think this self-motivation has served me well and will continue to do so.

However, I also believe that the constant push to “go” is becoming increasingly problematic for me. I’ve mentioned to a few friends and acquaintances that in the past few months, maybe even years I’ve become increasingly frustrated with Christianity and the Church as a whole and it has ultimately wreaked havoc on my relationship with Jesus. I love Jesus, really, I do. But if being a follower means I’m supposed to disregard the damage we’re continually causing in our environment, to tell my gay friends that who they are is sinful and wrong and ask God to bless my country and mine alone, this is not someone worth following at all.

Thankfully, I’ve only recently come to my senses and asked myself the question: would Jesus do any of the above? I came to the conclusion that, no, He probably wouldn’t. And bringing into question my own flawed character, how can I expect other people to perfectly exemplify the model Christ set out for us. We’re all broken and we’re all going to misinterpret God’s Word simply because it is so beyond our comprehension. But this is a piss-poor excuse to abandon my Savior.

Okay, so back to my point. It’s all well and good that I’m on the path to trying to figure out how to be a “believer” again, but what happens when I sit down to pray and all I can think about is my plans for the weekend? Or when I try to read some of Donald Miller, Shane Claiborne or Ron Sider’s advice for lost and confused souls such as myself and I’m transfixed by the incoming message alert on my cell phone? How can I expect to be present with God when I can’t even be?

I have yet to figure out how to be, but I like to think that acknowledging the fact that it may be time for me to slow down a little bit might be helpful. If anyone has any advice or suggestions I’d be more than appreciative. In the mean time, keep me in your prayers as I try to learn how to “silence my heart and prepare for worship.”
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