Who is God?

We've all heard it said- "When it rains, it pours" and although currently the weather here is dreary with a chance of bleh, yesterday was a downpour in my personal life. Thankfully, I've been given the opportunity on multiple occasions to witness people who have (and will have) it much worse than I currently so I'm able to take the bad news coming my way with the insight that although my future and the future of my family looks daunting and uncertain, I am still incredibly blessed.

That being said, I woke up this morning and as I brushed my hair and applied my makeup I sat in front of the mirror trying...and failing to pray. Not only do I feel like I've legitimately forgotten how to, but I realized I've completely alienated myself from God. It's so easy to do when I'm in a place in my life where things are going well for me. I unconsciously decide that since I'm in a good place in my life, what other use do I have for God? This was not exactly a "Eureka!" moment as it's something that I've always struggled with, and probably will continue to do until my dying breath. However, this reality took a turn and spawned a whole other train of thought.

I won't rehash my Christian testimony, but suffice it to say that my early experiences with Christianity took form in witnessing the effect Jesus had on the kids in my youth group back home. Coming from a place of hopelessness, sadness and depression, I marveled at the fact that kids my age were so sure of themselves and so happy just to be. I was hopelessly awkward and unsure of myself in high school and I completely admired the confidence this group of teenagers collectively had. This in turn led to my salvation, and was my first impression of a loving God.

As I continued to attend that Church in my hometown, I took on the beliefs that my congregation held and decided they would be my own. In hindsight, I sincerely regret that some of these beliefs held a position on homosexuality, the role of government and the military and abortion that I would now consider to be somewhat exclusionary and ignorant. Yes, there was a time when I believed myself to be conservative *shudder*. ;) I may not have personally believed the values I was upholding, but was under the impression that the God I served had a sort of rulebook that needed following in order to be the best possible servant.

Enter Eastern University in August of 2006: a renowned Christian institution which produced such social evangelicals as Tony Campolo, Ron Sider and Shane Claiborne. It was immediately evident that I was in an environment with some of the most liberally-minded Christians I'd ever encountered. Their way of interpreting God was so radically different, and something that immediately resonated with me. Through my time at Eastern, I discovered a latent passion for political science. It never before occured to me that Christians could work within government for the change we sought in bringing God's Kingdom to Earth. I was in the presence of some of the most intellectual and passionate people I'd ever met, but what struck me more than anything was how much they loved people and loved God. This was a Jesus I could get on board with.

During my time at Eastern, I was also provided the opportunity to witness God in an African context as well as serve as a campus ministry leader. The latter was especially profound because not only was I considered a Christian leader on Eastern's campus, the role afforded me the opportunity to meet bi-weekly with a campus minister to discuss my spiritual life. I was able to reflect on my relationship with God and truly make my faith my own.

Present day: I volunteer full-time for a non-profit committed to local and sustainable food production in the hopes of combating poverty. While I am truly invested in the program, I am noticing that my time here has caused me to grow distant from my Father. It occurred to me this morning that my perception of God is a direct result of the Christians I have come into contact with over the years, and if you think about it- isn't that how everyone's idea of God is formed? This leads me to believe that perhaps the reason I'm sensing this distance is because of the absence of major Christian influences in my life. This is not to say that they're missing, but for the first time since accepting Christ, it's entirely up to me to form these bonds and reach out to these people. And assuming I do so, will my relationship with Jesus change as a result?

It makes me wonder, in spite of all these differing perceptions of who God is, no one really knows- who is He really? Not to appear blasphemous, but it would be easy to argue that God could be an almighty entity or He could be a figment of our imaginations. I'd have to say, even if the latter were true, I'd still want to believe because of the sense of hope and love accompanying my faith, but really- who is God?

Just something I've been thinking about...

Choosing to Love

Last night I helped my co-worker organize the annual Oxfam Hunger Banquet for students here on campus. What I was expecting to be an engaging and humbling experience left me angry and disgusted as I sat and watched the bored and apathetic students counting down the minutes until they could be dismissed and grab something deep-fried and artery-clogging as soon as they left the premises. (Disclaimer: As I'm fairly worked up about the situation, expect me to speak in extremes from here on out, but know that there were a small handful of students who did engage).

The premise of a Hunger Banquet is to gather participants for a meal together, simulating real world conditions. At one table, a small handful of people dine on a nutritious meal complete with a tablecloth, silverware and fine china. These people represent the 15% of the world's population who earn more than $9400 a year. A few tables over are a larger group who represent the 30% of the global population who may have a steady job, but no savings or anything to fall back on in case of an emergency such as a natural disaster, war or a family death/illness. These people had a cup of water and a plate full of rice and beans. The remaining participants are seated on the floor where they're given a bucket of drinking water and a large bowl of rice. These people sans bowls, plates and utensils represent the remaining 55% of the world's population- most of whom live on less than a dollar a day and frankly, don't know where their next meal is coming from.

As the evening progressed, the high class and middle class tables dined on their meals and I watched as the lower class stared at the bowl of rice placed in front of them. As the meal drew to a close and the supplementary Oxfam educational video was turned off, we opened up a discussion, hoping to allow the students an opportunity to reflect on what they had just experienced. What we got rather, were the blank aforementioned stares. At one point I was frustrated as the discussion had come to a standstill and I asked the lower class group why their meal remain untouched. I got an assortment of replies, most of which informed me that they didn't want to use their hands for reasons of sanitation. As which point I asked them, but what if you didn't know you had access to food once you left this room? They continued their same path of logic, one student was so bold as to say he would wait up to three days for food if it meant he didn't have to use his hands.

The conversation slowly dragged on as students waited for their que to leave. I was so disheartened by their collective response, that I was incredibly grateful when my supervisor, who is a full-time missionary, shared with the group a story from her year spent in Kyrgyzstan. Her time spent in Central Asia deeply resonated with me as I reflected on my own experiences in Uganda.

Once the group was dismissed, my co-worker and I tore down posters and packed up literature and left. On my way out I was greeted by a familiar face- a girl I had worked with in the summer- who was begging to pawn off cookies left over from a Bake Sale fundraiser. I made a very small contribution to her table and received three platefuls of cookies in return. I got into my car, heading home and I emotionally broke down. I hysterically sobbed as I recalled the bowls of uneaten rice, sure to be thrown away and glanced at the plates of unnecessary calories sitting on my passenger seat. I needed to talk with someone who understood the pain I was going through. I didn't know why I reacted as strongly as I did, but I knew how terribly unfair it was that while raising awareness for families all over the world who would have given anything for that bowl of rice I was greeted by a night full of wastefulness, arrogance and apathy. I remembered sitting in the dining hall at UCU and watching as three small children rifled through the garbage, picking out uneaten rice and putting it in dirty plastic bags to take home with them- the pain was enormous.

I texted my supervisor and asked if I could pay her a visit at her home. The time spent with her was a tremendous relief- it just felt good to be in the company of someone who had witnessed that sort of poverty firsthand and could uplift and encourage me. When I went to bed that night, I was full of hatred and disgust. When I woke up this morning, I had a fresh outlook and came to the stark realization that while I was so quick to judge the ignorance at the banquet the night before- what was I doing to combat poverty?? Now, I realize that serving with AmeriCorps does qualify, but too often I feel I use that as my "Get out of Service Free" card. So with this newfound insight and motivation, I developed a plan to start changing my lifestyle and quit living like a stereotypical American, but living like a thoughtful member of this global community, who just so happens to currently reside in the States.

Allow me to share my newfound goals:
1) I have been given the tremendous blessing of...Food Stamps. This means that every month, because of my lack of income, my government provides me with $176 to use toward the purchase of food so that I don't ever go hungry. Knowing that I have a guaranteed food allowance every month is a tremendous priviledge and so I've made the decision that at the end of every month, whatever is currently residing in my pantry (disregarding spices and baking materials) and has been left unopened will be donated to the local ministry which distributes groceries weekly to about 150 families.
2) All this coincides with the news that as of April, I am obligated to being paying back my private student loans at a rate of $540/month. Considering I live on no income, this thought absolutely terrifies me, so I've contemplated selling my assets. Well...pretty much the one asset I have- my laptop. Currently my PC serves merely as a radio when I'm in the shower or doing dishes. All of my internet surfing, job hunting and research is done on my work computer anyhow and the worth of that computer could be the equivalent of one month's student loan payment.
3) I have also been blessed with a great apartment that coincidentally is located within a 15 minute walking distance of my office. During the summer, I paid daily visits to program participants, but now that the growing season has been over for quite some time- why am I still driving to work? So this morning, I made the conscious desicion to leave my van curbside, don my Chucks and an umbrella and walk myself to work. The result was a refreshing and wonderful wake-up call and the feeling that not only was I taking part in reducing the amount of pollutants released into my environment, but I was saving money on gas that could be used elsewhere in my strict budget.
4) Today, I also made a conscious decision to fast. As a Christian, I've been taught by numerous religious leaders that fasting is a spiritual discipline in order to demonstrate faith and trust in the Lord. While that is all well and good, I'm choosing to fast beginning today on a once a week basis to be in solidarity with my global neighbors who are going days at a time without a meal, as well as saving money as I mentioned before.

This is my four-fold plan to do my part in alleviating hunger and to live more simply and sustainably. I would encourage you to ask yourselves- given my enormous position of power as a wealthy American citizen (and believe me, you ARE wealthy), what am I doing to confront hunger and poverty in this world? It's time to love as we're called to love- let's not sit on our lazy, priviledged asses while commenting on the heartbreak of a malnourished child. Let's put our priviledged asses to work in combatting the enormous disparity in global food distribution! We enter this world with nothing, and we leave with nothing- it's up to each of us individually to decide what we want to do in between- let's choose to love.