32 Weeks

Baby Pep,

I'll keep this short and sweet since I'm currently holed up in a hotel room in Chicago frantically typing this on the tablet I borrowed from your Daddy. The last 24 hours have been a flurry of emotions for your Mama. Not bad emotions, just surprising. When my employer gave me the opportunity to attend this conference, I jumped at the chance. I wwnted what I thought would be my last fun trip, my last connection with my former wanderlusting self (plus, the conference sounded pretty dang cool). The conference was and is great and I'm so happy I went. But I was plagued with these unfamiliar feelings that I would rather be at home cuddling with my boys. 

Like I said, I've always loved any opportunity to see as much of this world as possible so I'm not sure whether these emotions stemmed from some kind of nesting instinct or if maybe this was a last hurrah for my globetrotting, free-spirited self and an ushering in of my new homebody, Mama bear self. I also had this small, nagging feeling that I was really glad you were with me, Baby Pep, because your presence made me feel less homesick.

And for the first time, I felt like I could picture having you on the other side of my belly and you know what? I felt excited. It only took me 8 months, Baby Pep. But guess what? Your Mama is finally ready to meet you. 

Love,

Mommy

My Prayer for "Labor Day"

I have become addicted to reading birth stories. It’s unhealthy. At this point, I don’t know that there’s much that reading some heartfelt blog posts is going to do to prepare me for the marathon of delivering my baby boy. But I can’t stop thinking about labor.

I am thankful that things like epidurals and C-sections exist for when emergencies arise and Mama and baby’s health is at risk. But I also don’t see the point in going down that road if it’s not necessary. I’m 100% behind gender equality, but there is no denying that women’s bodies were designed for this process. It is my belief, in fact, that this entire process was designed by a higher power. Call it God, Allah, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the sky. But pregnancy is no coincidence. Women have been growing and delivering babies for as long as humans have been on this Earth. My body inherently knows how to do this.

All this sounds wonderful and empowering, but I admit that when it comes to pain, I am my own worst enemy. I’m sure I will feel exhausted. Defeated. Weak. And it’s at this point that I may make up my mind that there’s no way that little old me can do this seemingly impossible thing that women have been doing for centuries. It is with this understanding that I have begun to pray for “Labor Day.”

Lord,
 Thank you for this amazing opportunity to nurture and bring life to this little being inside my belly. I pray that Your will be done and that no matter what it takes, baby boy will arrive safely into the arms of the Mommy and Daddy who love him. I pray that in my times of weakness, You would be my strength. I pray that in times of doubt, You would be my comfort. I pray that in times of defeat, You would be the reassuring voice that urges me to conquer one more contraction, one more push. I pray that you would empower me and instill in me the knowledge and faith in myself to bring this baby Earthside.
 In Jesus’ name, amen.

Winter Book Challenge: Preliminary List

This summer was the first time I participated in Megan's seasonal book challenge. I, sadly, did not finish the challenge, but I absolutely loved participating and couldn't wait to try again. Fortunately, the Winter 2014 Book Challenge is right around the corner and lucky for me, I'll be on maternity leave through most of it, so here's hoping I can get some breastfeeding/book-reading time in (Mamas- is it crazy that I'm expecting to read with a newborn?).

The categories are as follows and I'm including my preliminary choices next to each. Check it out:

5 points: Freebie! Read any book that fits the general rules. | The Christmas Light by Donna VanLiere

10 points: Read a book written by an author who has published at least 10 books. | Bird by Bird by Anne Lamott

10 points: Read a book of short stories. | My True Love Gave to Me: Twelve Holiday Stories by Stephanie Perkins

10 points: Read a book with a food in the title. | Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life by Shauna Niequist

15 points: Read the first book in a series that is new to you. | The Giver by Lois Lowry

15 points: Read a book that was originally written in a language that is not your native language. | Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

15 points: Read a book written by a local author (either an author from your state if you live in the United States, or from your country if you live somewhere else). | The Stupidest Angel: A Heartwarming Tale of Christmas Terror by Christopher Moore (Toledo, OH)

20 points: Read a "bookish book" (in which books play an important role, e.g. the setting involves a bookstore or library, a major character is an author, or a book that celebrates reading and books. (Examples: The Book Thief, The Shadow of the Wind, The Thirteenth Tale, etc.) | Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury

20 points: Read a book with a direction in the title (e.g. north, south, east, west or any combination of those). | East of Eden by John Steinbeck

25 points: Read a book from a genre you don't usually read. | An Instance of the Fingerpost by Iain Pears (Mystery/Thriller)

25 points: Read a book with a song lyric in the title. Be sure to tell us the song name and artist as well! (Examples: Pop Goes the Weasel by James Patterson (English nursery rhyme of the same name), The Girl You Left Behind by Jojo Moyes ("Girl You Left Behind," Pixie Lott), or Somewhere Only We Know by Cheyanne Young ("Somewhere Only We Know," Keane). | Long Time Gone by David Crosby (Long Time Gone by Crosby, Stills & Nash)

30 points: Read two books with a different meal in each title (e.g. breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, brunch). | Dinner with the Smileys: One Military Family, One Year of Heroes, and Lessons for a Lifetime by Sarah Smiley and My Last Supper: 50 Great Chefs and Their Final Meals by Melanie Dunea

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Read any good books lately?

Do you have any winter reads planned?

All p/c goes to Goodreads, as per usual.

31 Weeks

Baby Pep,

I have to say, you give your Mama quite a fright yesterday. Not moving all day long? What were you thinking?! As irritating as those kicks to the ribs and hiccups down below can be, I've come to expect them, so when you had a "slow" day, I was all kinds of worried. By bedtime, you were your active self once again, but geez- try not to give your Mom a heart attack, okay?

Your Daddy and I had our birth center orientation class on Sunday, which left each of us feeling increasingly nervous about your arrival. While your Daddy is really scared about seeing me in pain, I'm more nervous about what comes after the delivery- YOU! I'm going into labor with an open mind, I don't have any idea what to expect so I'm just going to give it my all and not make a painful situation worse, but being tense and stressed out about it. I'm thankful that I know your Daddy is going to play a very active role in your care once you make your grand entrance, it helps to relieve the pressure I feel about being a good Mama to you.

Next week is going to be a crazy one for us. First, we're attending our intensive natural birthing class on Saturday. On Sunday, I leave for Chicago for a 3-day work conference. On Thursday, your Mama's best friends are flying in to visit. On Friday, your Grandma will be driving down and we'll be celebrating Halloween with some of Mommy's favorite people and on Saturday- it's baby shower time! That's a lot of activity packed into one week! Hope you're ready little one. (Although, I'm more concerned about whether I'm ready).

Keep up those hiccups, Baby Pep!

Love,
Mommy

Pregnancy Fears

From the beginning of my pregnancy, I've been a pretty open book. I haven't exactly hidden the fact that the "future mom" role is not one that fits me. And I haven't once pretended that I'm not scared shitless about this entire process.

Through every stage of disbelief, doubt and anxiety, I've been honest. I derive comfort from laying it all out there. Despite the fact that these things are rarely verbalized, I know I can't be the only woman who feels this way. Not only that, but vocalizing my concerns, helps them to appear less like the scary monsters in my head that I make them out to be. 

So, if I'm being honest, these are some of the things I'm afraid of...

I'm afraid I won't be able to withstand the pain of labor. The best I can explain my desire to have a natural birth, is that the realities of unnecessary medical interventions, and surgery, and needles in my spine frightens me much more than a natural pain. But what if I just can't do it?

I'm afraid I won't love my baby right away. I don't love my baby. There, I said it. I don't have feelings of love yet. My relationship with my future child is that of a parasite and host. I have hope that when I finally do meet him, these feelings will change. But I'm scared it will take awhile to reach that point.

I'm afraid my relationship with my husband will change. Chuck is my best friend. We are young, silly, and totally in love. I'm scared that the stress of parenthood will change what a great relationship we have.

I'm afraid I will never sleep again. Okay, I acknowledge that this one is seemingly trivial, But seriously, I require a lot of sleep. 9-10 hours is sufficient for me and I am seriously concerned that I will cease functioning when subjected to the new Mommy sleep regimen. 

I'm afraid that working full-time will create a distance between my baby and me. If I had a choice, I would probably choose to stay home longer with my baby, but it's just not financially feasible for us. Even so, I know that I could never do the stay-at-home-mom gig. My career is too important to me and I don't think I would be the best mom I could be if I gave up a job I loved. All that being said, I do worry that my working will somehow negatively impact my relationship with my son.

I'm afraid my baby will love someone more than me. This is a consequence of me working full-time. Because Baby Pep will be spending most of his time with someone other than his Mama, I'm really scared that he'll grow to love someone else as the maternal figure he lacks in me.

I'm afraid my sex life will never be the same. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I would like for my lady bits to stay intact. 

I'm afraid I won't recognize my baby. I can't picture what my baby will look like. And I wonder if when I finally do lay eyes on him for the first time, whether something will finally click, or if he'll still just look like a stranger to me.

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Do you have pregnancy fears of your own?

If you're a Mama, what were your fears prior to giving birth (or adopting)?

30 Weeks

Baby Pep,

Today, I'm in my 30th week of pregnancy with you. I don't know why but that "3" is really freaking me out. You're going to be here in 2ish months! As much as I don't feel ready for you (and honestly, never will), I do have to say that I'm looking forward to you being Earthside and getting my regular ol' body back. Up until this last week or so, you've been so good to me. But I'm finally starting to catch on to why everyone talks about how difficult pregnancy is. Fatigue, an overactive bladder, constipation, gas, hemorrhoids, heartburn, backaches...not to mention feeling quite large and in charge. Baking you isn't easy! All I can say is, you better be worth it, kid ;)

Your Daddy and I have made the decision to hunker down and spend as much time with each other as possible from here on out. We have the rest of our lives to see friends and family, but only two more months of being a family of two. I know it's a little selfish, but I do enjoy having your Daddy all to myself. He's my best friend in the world and I relish his company. As we lay in bed at night watching Top Chef (our nightly ritual), we cuddle and smother each other with kisses and dream aloud about the days when you'll be in bed snuggling with us. 

The days and weeks to come are going to be busy ones, but I promise to document every moment so maybe one day you can read this and re-live your little life inside my tummy. Love you, little one.

Mommy

Shameless bathroom selfie!

Au Naturale

Nothing more natural than a naked baby belly!
19 vs. 29 weeks

I've always been a little bit crunchy. I've long thought that I was born in the wrong generation and would give up my left arm for the opportunity to travel back in time to Woodstock and watch Janis Joplin, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young and the great Jimi Hendrix perform live. In many ways I'm an antiquated soul. I'm often skeptical of technology and concerned about the state of our food system. GMOs, pesticides, hormones, additives in our food, a new pill for everything with only small knowledge of the long-term side effects. It's scary to me!

I like my food as I imagine God intended it. Fresh, healthy and natural!

So it stands to reason, that I feel the same way about my pregnancy. 

Even before Baby Pep was conceived, I had watched The Business of Being Born and Babies. I was beginning to become fascinated with what seemed to be this renewed movement toward natural birthing and midwifery. As a proponent of all-things-natural and a skeptic of modern medicine, it seemed only logical this this would be the route I would take when it was time for me to start growing humans.

Baby Pep's first Harley apparel from
his biker Grandma and Grandpa.

Because natural birthing seems to be "coming back," I haven't been met with as much resistance and raised eyebrows as I thought I might. To be honest, I'm a huge weenie when it comes to pain, but I recognize that pain is 90% mental so I think believing in myself that I can do this as millions of women have done before is going to be half the battle. I have no false notions that this will be an easy ride, but I'm willing to give it a try.

I believe in my body. I believe in myself. And frankly, the thought of unnecessary medical interventions, potentially dangerous drugs and major surgery scares me way more than the pain of labor (says the girl who's never actually experienced labor pains). So for the last 6ish months I've been seeing a midwife and plan to deliver at the New Beginnings Birthing Center, within the Miami Valley Hospital. The thought of giving birth in a place that supports the natural childbirth process, but is also located just feet from Neonatal Intensive Care should the worst happen is a huge comfort to me. 

My birth plan will not be carved into stone. I know what I want and I know the kind of birth I want to strive for, but I will not feel like any less of a woman or less of a mother if I happen to decide that I just need that epidural. At the end of the day, a healthy baby is all I ask for, and if going au naturale helps me to achieve that- well then, lucky me :) 

29 Weeks

Baby Pep,

My last week in the 2's! I don't know why, but 30 weeks just sounds so much more pregnant than 29. This has been a good week thus far. I had a very uneventful appointment with my midwife. Heart rate looks good and you're still moving like crazy so not much to worry about (thank goodness!). She mentioned my belly is measuring closer to 27 weeks, but she didn't seem concerned, so I'm not either. I guess I'll count it as a blessing? So far, I've gained about 17 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight so I think I'm doing alright!

Last week, we also learned the gender of your little cousin who is due just 6 weeks after you! Of course, we would have been excited either way, but we couldn't be happier for your aunt and uncle and we can't wait for the two of you to grow up together.

Their big gender reveal also prompted a phone conversation between your uncle and Daddy (which I totally eavesdropped on) about throwing you both in your respective baby carriers and taking you for hikes in the nearby state park. I think it's safe to say that both Stuckert men are eagerly awaiting fatherhood. This discussion also prompted your Daddy to try on the secondhand Baby Bjorn that was gifted to us. And of course since we didn't have a real baby to test it out on, I took it upon myself to grab my childhood teddy bear to use as a stand-in. There are very few things your Daddy asks me not to divulge, but the picture I took of that moment was one of them. You'll just have to trust me when I say, it was really stinking cute.

Your Mommy and Daddy have still been seriously slacking on getting things in order for your arrival. I figure, I only have a few more weeks to be my lazybutt self, so I'm taking full advantage of them. What can I say? Your Mama likes her sleep. Just something to keep in mind for the future, little one :)

Well, we've got a busy few weeks ahead of us, baby. Let's enjoy this peace and quiet while it lasts!

All my love,
Mommy