Breaking the 'Blessings' Rules

Typically, I reserve "blessings talk" for Sundays. But my absence for the last few weeks practically demands that I highlight my recent silver linings.

honoring a hero

President Obama, himself, recognized my Frankie G during his Memorial Day speech in Arlington National Cemetery where my friend had been laid to rest just days before.
(Skip to about 7:30 if you're impatient)

baby time

I won't even pretend like I wasn't freaking out when I was holding my 6-week old nephew for the first time. I'm so awkward and un-maternal, it's embarrassing. But it was such a blessing just soaking up his sweet baby goodness.

...and speaking of family

We spent our Memorial Day weekend in Ohio with Chuck's family. And let me say, I seriously lucked out in the in-law pool. (And no, I'm not just saying that because my Mama-in-Law is possibly my blog's biggest fan). I love each one of his siblings, love having conversations with my sister-in-law over beer and a roaring fire, and love that the Stuckert family = fun!

Taken in the midst of moving an 800+ lb piano into the house. Mama and Stuckert mens :)

nuptials

Who doesn't love a summer wedding?! I'm so excited to be New Jersey-bound with my Hubby for my cousin's wedding this weekend!

This was cousin Chris and I the night before my wedding. Clearly loving life.

I feel so fortunate to have such amazing people in my life when I know not everyone else does. My family (both married and genetic) is a constant source of support, joy and quite simply, unconditional love. Of all of the grace-filled wonders in my life, my husband, family and friends are the greatest of all ♥

Carry On, Warrior

Have you read this book yet?

I saw it floating around various blogs I read and was ready to give it a try. As it turns out, it was just the kick in the butt I needed to start writing again.

I've been grieving, but okay this last week or so. I've remained absent because I just couldn't find a good starting-over place. After writing about the tragic death of one of your good friends, you can't exactly follow it up with a post about shoes.

But in stepped Glennon.

Ever read a book where you felt like the author was speaking directly to you? I have. I count Blue Like Jazz and Captivating as two such books that have fundamentally changed me. But this time, it was different. Not only did I feel like she was writing specifically to me (I'm pretty sure she should have named it, Carry On, Kaity), but I felt like she was writing to me in this strange and uncertain season of my life.

During a time when words have escaped me and I've strayed from the thing that makes my soul come alive, Glennon wrote to me,

"If, anywhere in your soul, you feel the desire to write, please write. Write as a gift to yourself and others. Everyone has a story to tell. Writing is not about creating tidy paragraphs that sound lovely or choosing the 'right' words. It's just about noticing who you are and noticing life and sharing what you notice. When you write your truth, it is a love offering to the world because it helps us feel braver and less alone..."

During a time when I don't know how to possibly comfort a friend who has lost her baby's father, her best friend and her soulmate, Glennon wrote to me, 

"I learned that in these disasters, all we can do is tell our In Case of Emergencies that their grief is real, and if it lasts forever, then we will grieve with them forever."

During a time when I've felt guilty for my grief because I know it couldn't possibly come close to mirroring the heartbreak of Frankie's wife and family, Glennon wrote to me,

"Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are not things we should try to snatch from each other. They're sacred. They are a part of each person's journey."

During a time when I am constantly questioning my purpose and what I am to do with my gifts, Glennon wrote to me, 

"I think sometimes we get confused and believe that our gift must bring us money or success or fame. Sometimes those things do happen, but not usually. The only thing a gift needs to do is bring you joy."

And you know what, guys? This blog brings me serious joy. Some days I'm on the verge of carpal tunnel because I have so much to say, and other days, my thoughts are more muted. But let me lay some truth talk on you- I love showing up here on the sporadic occasions that I do and writing to my little heart's desire. 

I'm so thankful that Glennon helped remind me of that (I'm also so glad that she believes Jesus digs profanity and gangster rap, but that's a story for another time). 

Please read her book- you'll be so glad you did :)

A Great Day to Be Alive

Life has been weird lately. The grief is starting to subside and honestly, I am happy. This past weekend was my baby sister's graduation and I spent the weekend with her- re-living my college days with some adult beverages and helping her pack up and move out of her apartment.

It was such a blessing.

Also a blessing? Coming home to a husband who I missed like crazy and visa versa.

Trying really hard not to laugh- I'd say we pulled it off, right?

I'm happy, blessed and have nothing to say.

I don't know if it's writer's block or just trying to find my stride again after the ups and downs of the last two weeks. But I am here and I'm doin' okay :)

When Life Isn't Interesting

I've been blogging for four and a half years. Not consistently and not always intentionally, but this space has existed for quite some time and witnessed a tumultuous and exciting ride. For four months at its inception I lived in sub-Saharan Africa and documented my experience living in a whole other world. Upon my return, I wrote infrequently about life in Philly, working at an HIV/AIDS services organization, camping out in front of the Supreme Court and up and moving to a strange town in Ohio after graduation.

Then I met Chuck, fell in love, and we began a life together. It was an eventful life- a life filled with long-distance calls, a graduate school acceptance, a move to the big city, brand new grown-up careers, a new apartment and wedding planning. In short- we experienced a whole heck of a lot of life changes in a very brief amount of time. 

And then we got married.

And after vows were exchanged, a honeymoon flight returned and Thank You cards were sent, life steadily slowed. 

These days we work. A lot. We pay our bills, fall asleep in our tiny, concave double bed and look forward to Saturday mornings when we make smoothies, have tickle fights and chase each other around the house.

Life isn't particularly interesting. But it's good, really good. Our marriage is still young and our hopes and dreams for the future are at times, idealistic. But as it turns out, my un-exciting life continues to make me more happy and more fulfilled than its former adventure-seeking counterpart. 

Marriage is far better than I ever imagined it would be.

And sometimes, I even get to come home to this:

Sunday Blessings

I acknowledge that my blog hasn't been the beacon of positivity lately that I generally strive for. I also acknowledge that my Sunday Blessings posts are a little less than consistent.

But in light of a really rough week, I think it's so important to share my blessings and make note of all the (bee)autiful silver linings that have been so apparent in my life.

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blog friends
I have not yet gotten around to responding to the thoughtful words and prayers that some wonderful Blogger ladies have left me. But not a single one has gone unread. I think every one grieves differently, but we do share one commonality: that we want to be loved and supported at our lowest. I'm really thankful for the blog friends who did just that :)
real life friends
I've admitted before that Chuck and I really don't have friends here in Pittsburgh. It's been hard, but we met a couple through FPU who we've recently gotten better acquainted with. On Friday, they dropped by while Chuck was at work to drop off groceries and a home-cooked meal. I felt like my heart might burst. I am so thankful for the kindness they showed us when we truly needed it.

prayer

Although, I've been thankful for the number of people who have promised to pray for me as I grieve the loss of a friend, I realize I'm not the one who needs prayer. Frankie's wife, little girl and family are the ones reeling over his death and while I'm hours away and feel helpless to do anything to lessen their pain, there is always prayer. I can't imagine their grief and I continue to pray that they will cast their burdens upon the God who loves them and ask that you might too.

Mommy

Happy Mother's Day to my voice of reason. My biggest supporter. The woman who I'd be completely lost without. I love you, Mommy.

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How have you been blessed this week?

A Pittsburgh Weekend

There's been a lot of uncertainty since Chuck and I married about our time frame for living in Pittsburgh. It has never been our intention to "settle down" here and/or raise a family in PA, but as we wait for God's timing to reveal itself, we've determined that we're going to stop driving ourselves crazy with the "what if's" and just enjoy our lives as unofficial Pittsburghers.

This weekend we did just that. Taking a long overdue trip to the Heinz History Center in Pittsburgh's Strip District and following it up with an early dinner date at Pittsburgh's original Primanti Bros. 

This Week Sucks

Don't get me wrong, I believe in silver linings. I believe there is always good to be found in the world which is why I so strongly believe in counting your blessings.

But I also believe in honesty, and in all honesty, this week has sucked. Like, really badly.

I've had several posts sitting in my drafts waiting to be published, but haven't been able to do it because when you lose someone you love, everything else seems so trivial. After the news of Frankie's death, it's been all I can think about. I haven't slept well in the four days I've known about it and all I want is to be with my second family and wrap them in a huge hug. I am really, really sad.

Now add to that combination of grief, a barren kitchen because we can't afford groceries and a wasted day of leave from work because I couldn't afford the gas it would take me to get me there and back. 

I'm so thankful for my husband. He is my greatest joy and the light in my gloomiest of days. And then when I think about how much I love him and how lost I would be without him, my thoughts are turned to Frankie's wife and baby girl. How unfair that the person they love the most in the world has been ripped away from them.

It's not my intention to throw myself a pity party. But I'm calling it like I see it- this week sucks.

For Frankie

Frankie was the big brother I never had. He cared about me, and I cared about him. He made me laugh uncontrollably and was the biggest tease you'd ever want to know. He was the worst to play board games with- a compulsive cheater. He threatened the life of every guy I pursued and freaked out when I told him I was failing a college class on account of working too much. 

I nicknamed him Frankie G and Frankie G-Ski. We would lay next to each other at night and share secrets- me, my insecurities and hopes for the future; he, his love for his wife and newborn baby and his feelings on marriage. 

In 2008, when his barracks were bombed, Frankie saved the lives of several of his Army brothers. Tearing at the rubble piece by piece to uncover the men who'd been buried. I think he was changed after that- he did his best to explain to me what he had experienced that day, but there was no way for me to truly understand. 

Frankie loved the women in his life more than anything. He would have sacrificed anything for his wife, baby girl, Momma and little sister. 

I never understood why Frankie cut ties with me. I blamed it on PTSD, but it still left me with no peace. And years after our last conversation, I still grieve the loss of his friendship.

And today, I grieve the loss of his life. Frankie was KIA on May 4, 2013. 

He will forever be my fake-big brother. He will forever be my friend. He will forever be in my heart.

I love you, Frankie.

Eight Months as Mrs.

Although it's getting harder and harder to do these bi-monthly updates (I mean, how many ways are there to say "I'm obnoxiously in love with my husband"?), I keep this blog going for the simple fact that this is my diary. I want to be able to look back and remember every smile, every hard time and every thought and feeling in between.

So this is what I'm thinking and feeling about being a married lady for eight months.

comfort

For some reason, this month has been harder to write about than my posts at Four Months and Six Months. I think it's because the bright, shiny newness of being recently married is starting to wear off and I've just grown comfortable in our life together.

hard but good

We were looking back on pictures in our old apartment when we were just a newly engaged couple. In hindsight- life was easier then. As a full-time student, I was home a lot. I kept the house relatively clean and was cooking all the time. We looked back on those moments with a bit of nostalgia, but the truth remains that I am so happy where we are. Student loan debt is kicking our ass, but we're putting up a tough fight and we're doing it together. And at the risk of sounding superbly corny, I feel like when our powers combine, there's nothing we can't do. Kind of like Captain Planet. That's right, our marriage is like Captain Planet.

via

unconditional love

As is common with most married couples, Chuck and I have packed on some post-marital pounds. We're getting back into the swing of things- eating healthier and making more of an effort to stay active. We both are being the best supporters we can be in our efforts to lose the weight, but the truth of the matter is, if Chuck ever ballooned to 300 lbs, I would love him just the same. I married Chuck because he's Chuck and I love him for that.

Taken the night of our engagement- scrawny young hooligans.

Blog of the Month: dinglefest

This month's pick for my Blog of the Month is Shannon at dinglefest. I've been a follower of Shannon's for literally about a week, and in that week I've been blown away by her blog. My previous BOTM picks have been fairly larger blogs, but this month my selection is someone with less of a following who deserves much more attention!

As anyone who's followed me for some time may know, I am in love with the idea of adoption. I have always felt a strong pull to answer God's calling to care for the widows and orphans. And obviously, given my relationship with Uganda, would love to one day adopt a beautiful Ugandan baby. While this is not an option for us any time soon, I'm determined to learn all I can about international adoption in the mean time. 

Enter Shannon.

I found her blog through a Christian adoption link-up and within the span of a few hours learned so much about the adoption experience. I learned what to expect as far as adoption expenses are concerned. I learned how to get creative with the logistics of a much larger family. I learned about the potential issues with "artificial twinning.' I learned about what it means to invest in an HIV+ adoption.

Basically, Shannon is a wealth of knowledge. I love her unfailing honesty, her love for her family, and her passion for her Ugandan adoption. She is such an inspiring woman and someone who I will continue to utilize as a resource as my dream of adopting draws steadily closer.

I would encourage you to pay a visit to Shanon's blog and if you feel so led, support her in raising funds for her three-sibling adoption below:

Catch up with my previous BOTM selections here:
April: Moments with Love
March: The Wiegands
February: Enjoying the Small Things