12.07.2011

A Call for Help and Hope

I'll be honest, as I write this, I have no idea the direction what I'm about to say will take. I don't know what I'm thinking right now, I just know what I'm feeling. My hope is that this post takes on a life of its own and gives me some perspective on what the heck is going on in my brain right now.

I woke up this morning to one emotion: panic. I have a big, life-changer transpiring tomorrow [see A Call for Prayers], I have the end of my semester sneaking up on me and four [BIG] projects to complete before I depart for Christmas break. On top of this, I'm so damn lonely. I live by myself, have no friends within a four-hour radius and my social life ultimately revolves around daily texts and calls with my betrothed. It's not easy.

This is where I imagine most people would throw themselves into the large amounts of schoolwork piling up as deadlines fast approach as a distraction from reality. Not me. Instead I picture all these stressors as little demons poking and prodding me while I cower in a sad, depressing corner. Why am I so paralyzed by stress?

Every time I begin to feel like I have overcome my oppressive life experiences, I catch a glimpse of this kind of victim behavior and I feel so defeated. I want to conquer these feelings of helplessness and worthlessness and be confident in my abilities to kick life's ass. I have so much going for me, so much potential. I'm told this frequently, so why can I not summon the confidence necessary to fight? I am so terrified by conflict and turmoil that I'm trying to hide from my own within. Clearly, it's not working out too well for me. 

I guess that's where I'll leave off today. No silver linings to be found in this post. Just a call from a young, vulnerable girl for help and hope. 

3 comments:

  1. Kaity, I've been there. When I was in college--a very long time ago-- I felt very much like you do but didn't have the courage to admit it.

    When I found Jesus and got into His Word, that changed. I was so relieved and excited to find out just how much He loved me...even before I loved Him...I laughed and cried my way through the New Testament.

    Can't say I understood a lot but it finally penetrated. You already love the Lord. Ask Him to fill the void.

    I think He left me without the friends I craved so I would reach out to Him. (That did not last forever, BTW. I have the best friends in my life. Priceless!)
    He'll do it for you, and so much more. He's crazy about you!

    With much love,
    Sinea

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  2. Hi Kaity!

    I saw your blog on FTLOB and was instantly drawn in to come visit. I LOVE what you are doing and the message you are sharing with the world. I'm a recent college grad and much like you, have that urge to change things. I'm not sure how right now, but I'm certain that one day I'll find what I'm passionate about. I'm a new follower :) I hope you'll come visit my blog too!

    Bri

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  3. We love you KB. You got this. Eagerly awaiting your holiday arrival.

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